Last night he got drunk again - I feel kind of silly starting that way - of course he di d- that's why we're here right.
Anyway- whenever he is drunk somewhere along the line I get what I refer to as "the sex lecture" - how I'm not good enought doing this that or the other thing, or how I make him feel worthless because I apparently don't want sex as often as he does - yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah.
So it ends up with him telling me - in a disgusted voice - that he doesn't want to touch me. (It hurts but I am glad because when he's drunk No I really don't want him to touch me - or more like pawing me). So we are in bed and I'm praying for him to fall asleep and he starts with the pawing, gropping etc and wants to have sex with me.
I'm just too tired to fight it - but geez - I felt like I was raped. I held back tears the entire time. Then he's done and finally falls asleep while I lay there feeling violated, and also thinking of what I can say to him the next day. And I thought of all sorts of stuff to tell him - all in a nice way - no yelling, no confrontation. But now the next day is here and now he's sober and I feel like I can't tell him anything. It's like I can just forget the whole incident. I'm like that in everything - I do not get angry very often and when I do I can be over it within minutes.
I so want to say SOMETHING to him, but now I don't know how and I'm scared to - because I know the next time he gets drunk it will all come back at me.
And that's another thing - everything little thing I say he somehow gets twisted around when he's drunk. For instance, this weekend there was an old movie on staring Patrick Swayze. And I made a simple little comment about how I thought Patrick Swayze was good looking and when he was drunk it totally blew up in my face - how I wanted to have sex with Patrick Swayze and how no one will ever be good enough for me etc etc. I feel like I can't say anything to him anymore drunk or sober.
nycbt said
Oct 24, 2005
HI I can relate in other ways. The one thing I can relate about is my husband gets drunk. He also brings up things that I have told him. He though threats me that he is not going to be paying the bills. With the sex issue though my husband an I haven't had sex since aug. But it is hard to trust them with stuff you tell them because you are afarid it will blow up in your face.
megan said
Oct 24, 2005
Hi Dogscribe
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
As long as he continues to behave badly towards you and you allow it the cycle will not break.
One thing I was told when I first came to alanon is that it is all insanity. Nothing about living with an active alcoholic makes sense.
This freed my mind from trying to figure things out.
I stopped being able to have any type of conversation with him at all as he would twist things around, drunk or not until I felt like I was losing my mind. Pieces of my mind are gone I am sure. They are just wasted parts blowing in the wind.
My A used to twist everything around too. That sucked.
he is not drinking now and he still twists things around and is irrational, perhaps he has brain damage.
Take care of yourself dogscribe
In recovery
Megan
rosie light shines said
Oct 24, 2005
hi i am rosie......when i *permit* abuse i am *promoting* abuse.....my X used to do that to me too....get drunk, glom on my unwilling body cause he was crap faced drunk..and he would just *do it anyway* finally i set some SERIOUS boundaries and just told him 'you want it??? and my reciprocation??? than be sober when you touch me"
he was abusive verbally to me and i ended up walking out............when i repeatedly let myself be victimized i am a *volunteer* in my own victimization......adn the anger does not *go away* it *goes under* everything that happends to me that angers me??? i express the anger now...i tell them what they did.....how it hurt me.....what amend/ boundary is needed........i will not be a volunteer in my victimization.......... another favorite saying of mine is "what i don't resist---persists" please take what works and leave the rest....rosie
browneyes said
Oct 24, 2005
Hey Dogscribe ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))
I can totally relate to the feeling of being violated but I finally realized that I was letting myself be violated. And now if I really truly do not want to make love, I don't. And I don't really care what he thinks because he is on drugs and it will all change in the next ten minutes anyway. I used to be scared that he would start a fight and he probably would but since I don't care anymore, it's wierd he hasn't been starting fights. But I can really relate to those feelings, they suck!
But another thing that struck me was your saying that you do not feel all that much about anything and that rang a bell with me. I used to feel NUMB and took it all in. And that is when the trouble started. After many years of taking it all in and feeling nothing, it all came out in full force and would not let me stuff it down anymore. The anger and pain let me know it was there and wasn't letting me ignore it anymore. It told me to deal with it or you are going to DIE. That is when I went to my first Alanon meeting. I was drowning in my own pain and had to release it. It fricking hurt too much not to.
For me I don't have to worry about what he says because when I do that is when I start feeling crappy and want to start fighting with him. That makes my life hell and he doesn't change.
I hope you find out what it is you want to say or find some peace today.
With love
Julie D.
dogscribe said
Oct 24, 2005
Wow - thanks - "when I permit, I am promoting" "being violated, letting myself be violated" "allowing the cycle"
I know these things - I do - why does it take someone writing it down for me to see it. I don't want to be the enabler - I don't want that label...... God I hate this - I don't want to be the victim that allows myself to be victimized.
Why does "their" disease affect us so. It is so totally unfair. I know that I am going through this for a reason - I just wish that my HP would fill me in on what!
bd said
Oct 24, 2005
The mere thought of having sex with my ex made me want to vomit. How could I be attracted to a man who called me names I wouldn't ever dream of ever speaking. howerver....his higher power hit him where his only thoughts came from...gave him limp dick. I thought that may make you smile.
dogscribe said
Oct 24, 2005
bd wrote: The mere thought of having sex with my ex made me want to vomit. How could I be attracted to a man who called me names I wouldn't ever dream of ever speaking. howerver....his higher power hit him where his only thoughts came from...gave him limp dick. I thought that may make you smile.
LOL!!! Thanks!!! Usually he gets what I refer to as whiskey dick but for some reason it wasn't this time.
leo said
Oct 25, 2005
Hi I will keep the humour going in Australia we call it Brewer's droop. LUv Leo x
Last night he got drunk again - I feel kind of silly starting that way - of course he di d- that's why we're here right.
Anyway- whenever he is drunk somewhere along the line I get what I refer to as "the sex lecture" - how I'm not good enought doing this that or the other thing, or how I make him feel worthless because I apparently don't want sex as often as he does - yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah.
So it ends up with him telling me - in a disgusted voice - that he doesn't want to touch me. (It hurts but I am glad because when he's drunk No I really don't want him to touch me - or more like pawing me). So we are in bed and I'm praying for him to fall asleep and he starts with the pawing, gropping etc and wants to have sex with me.
I'm just too tired to fight it - but geez - I felt like I was raped. I held back tears the entire time. Then he's done and finally falls asleep while I lay there feeling violated, and also thinking of what I can say to him the next day. And I thought of all sorts of stuff to tell him - all in a nice way - no yelling, no confrontation. But now the next day is here and now he's sober and I feel like I can't tell him anything. It's like I can just forget the whole incident. I'm like that in everything - I do not get angry very often and when I do I can be over it within minutes.
I so want to say SOMETHING to him, but now I don't know how and I'm scared to - because I know the next time he gets drunk it will all come back at me.
And that's another thing - everything little thing I say he somehow gets twisted around when he's drunk. For instance, this weekend there was an old movie on staring Patrick Swayze. And I made a simple little comment about how I thought Patrick Swayze was good looking and when he was drunk it totally blew up in my face - how I wanted to have sex with Patrick Swayze and how no one will ever be good enough for me etc etc. I feel like I can't say anything to him anymore drunk or sober.
Hi Dogscribe
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
As long as he continues to behave badly towards you and you allow it the cycle will not break.
One thing I was told when I first came to alanon is that it is all insanity. Nothing about living with an active alcoholic makes sense.
This freed my mind from trying to figure things out.
I stopped being able to have any type of conversation with him at all as he would twist things around, drunk or not until I felt like I was losing my mind. Pieces of my mind are gone I am sure. They are just wasted parts blowing in the wind.
My A used to twist everything around too. That sucked.
he is not drinking now and he still twists things around and is irrational, perhaps he has brain damage.
Take care of yourself dogscribe
In recovery
Megan
hi i am rosie......when i *permit* abuse i am *promoting* abuse.....my X used to do that to me too....get drunk, glom on my unwilling body cause he was crap faced drunk..and he would just *do it anyway* finally i set some SERIOUS boundaries and just told him 'you want it??? and my reciprocation??? than be sober when you touch me"
he was abusive verbally to me and i ended up walking out............when i repeatedly let myself be victimized i am a *volunteer* in my own victimization......adn the anger does not *go away* it *goes under* everything that happends to me that angers me??? i express the anger now...i tell them what they did.....how it hurt me.....what amend/ boundary is needed........i will not be a volunteer in my victimization.......... another favorite saying of mine is "what i don't resist---persists" please take what works and leave the rest....rosie
Hey Dogscribe ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))
I can totally relate to the feeling of being violated but I finally realized that I was letting myself be violated. And now if I really truly do not want to make love, I don't. And I don't really care what he thinks because he is on drugs and it will all change in the next ten minutes anyway. I used to be scared that he would start a fight and he probably would but since I don't care anymore, it's wierd he hasn't been starting fights. But I can really relate to those feelings, they suck!
But another thing that struck me was your saying that you do not feel all that much about anything and that rang a bell with me. I used to feel NUMB and took it all in. And that is when the trouble started. After many years of taking it all in and feeling nothing, it all came out in full force and would not let me stuff it down anymore. The anger and pain let me know it was there and wasn't letting me ignore it anymore. It told me to deal with it or you are going to DIE. That is when I went to my first Alanon meeting. I was drowning in my own pain and had to release it. It fricking hurt too much not to.
For me I don't have to worry about what he says because when I do that is when I start feeling crappy and want to start fighting with him. That makes my life hell and he doesn't change.
I hope you find out what it is you want to say or find some peace today.
With love
Julie D.
Wow - thanks - "when I permit, I am promoting" "being violated, letting myself be violated" "allowing the cycle"
I know these things - I do - why does it take someone writing it down for me to see it. I don't want to be the enabler - I don't want that label...... God I hate this - I don't want to be the victim that allows myself to be victimized.
Why does "their" disease affect us so. It is so totally unfair. I know that I am going through this for a reason - I just wish that my HP would fill me in on what!