And that is to try and take care of me. So I'm learning. I'm taking baby steps. My A is very important to me. My A is difficult. My A is my source of income. My A USED to be my life. I'm so confused now. Society thinks life is so easy. "Oh just move out and leave." Well it's not. I don't know. Can someone enlighten me?
Jeannie said
Oct 23, 2005
Hi Cathy,
No it is not easy. people who don't understand find it easy to say, just let go and get on with your life.
We are told when we marry, that we become one with our spouse. The two parts of us join and create children who are a part of each of us. We establish a way of life, yes often dysfunctional when dealing with an A. We buy property, pay bills, same as everyone else, with the income provided by us as a couple, sometimes, ours, sometimes theirs, but in a real couple with no A involved no matter who earns it is becomes "ours". To our children we are Mom and Dad, to the world we are Mr and Mrs. How is it that everyone thinks it is easy to "Move on".
I am my own person, but yes my husband is a part of me, as I am a part of him. We share a history, we know things about each other that no one else in the world knows. If an when the time comes that I have to move on, it will be like leaving a body part behind, in fact leaving a body part would be easier. People forget to factor in love, and it is a powerful thing. Yes we have to take care of ourselves, but doesn't it stink if that means leaving behind someone who we love and cherish as we promised to in wedding vows?
It is not easy, it is possible, and I have heard I can be happy without him. But I might be wrong, but I believe that if I remove my husband entirely from my life, I will never be totally happy again. It would be as if he died. I will always feel the emptiness and the dull ache of losing a loved one.
Love Jeannie
Cathy said
Oct 23, 2005
Jeannie, I have something to share with you. I married my hubby when I was only 17. We were married for 27 years when I left him. Him and I talk alot. I have told him that if he gets remarried or I get remarried that neither one of us will ever be happy again. I'm like you........When you marry it's for keeps and whatever comes in between means nothing. It was my doing to end my marriage.
Cathy
nmike said
Oct 23, 2005
Cathy,
You have to be like my A with walls for boundaries to not be impacted by relationships. I have been married for 31 years and even though he moved out, the thought of having no interaction with him makes me sad. For me, I have to look at what is really love for another person and what is enmeshment to get those things that I should do for myself like happiness.
Keep asking questions. Some answers will come.
Nancy
nycbt said
Oct 24, 2005
I would have a very hard time if me and my husband went our separte ways. I think that is some times the reason why I stay. I am afaird what life would be without him. I love to sleep next to him at night. I love to talk to him. When I have a problem taking he talks for me. But then of course is the drinking an then you wonder why.
rosie light shines said
Oct 24, 2005
cathy i cannot / willnot advise people cause i don't know the WHOLE situation...but for me??? when i was married to MY "A".....i got my 2yr. degree in accounting.....learned computers....did all kinds of stuff to make me *marketable* ........so i could depend on/ take care of me.........i know i *stayed in the marriage* cause i feared the unknown, but you know??? looking back i am glad that i dumped him cause he was NOT enabling me to grow to spiritually evolve...i mean he held me back BIG TIME!!!!
now??? with recovery??? NO alkies are qualified to be my next mate IF there is even someone out there for me...... a coda whos been in recovery for a long time???? yeah, i would risk it maybe.....an "al-anoner" whos been in recovery for a while???? yep, he would probably be a good bet......but an alkie or druggie???? i can't see myself going there......substance abuse cost me too much for tooo long...... this program is teaching me to take care of me...and not to worry....hp and i will take cae of me.....and i may get lonely sometimes, but its a hell of a lot better than living with someone who is NOT active/ long term in recovery....just my take.....rosie
bd said
Oct 24, 2005
The first thing is get some finacial independance. With that comes freedom. I started in the mail room at a large insurance co. within a couple to years I made enought to support a little one bedroom. I never looked back the minute I left. I am in a similar situtation right now. Things are not working out and will be moving soon. If I didn't have this job that i work my ass off at I would be struck all over again. Just lettering you know how I have managed to make it through some very rough times.
Brandie
dogscribe said
Oct 24, 2005
I totally agree with you that general society really has no clue at how hard it can be - you can't "just leave" and I'm in the exact opposite position where I am not financially dependent on him and I can't just "kick him out"
Yeah - it sucks.....
Princess said
Oct 27, 2005
You're so right; society just wants to ignore the alcoholic problem in our world; it affects so many people. My A is my husband, my friend, and yet also a problem to my peace and spiritual growth right now. I know having him in my life actually forces me to do more work on myself than I would ordinarily want to; but sometimes it's really difficult not to have hurt feelings. I know no one can make me feel bad - however, it's much more fun hanging around happy people than it is victims. I've been in recovery now since July and I've learned so much about the behavior and how prevelent it is to so many families everywhere.
We never discussed my mom's drinking until two or three years ago; when my sister actually said my mom was an alcoholic; wow. I felt like I had been covering things up for so long. Now I'm out talking about my mom and my husband, and looking at my short comings and my own behavior.
I always felt bad for feeling; this is what I learned. Now I know it's okay to feel, any emotion and if I am in touch with it, and then let it go - the pain will pass. Amazing!!
This is a big stuggle but it's great to know that I'm not alone.
Hi Cathy,
No it is not easy. people who don't understand find it easy to say, just let go and get on with your life.
We are told when we marry, that we become one with our spouse. The two parts of us join and create children who are a part of each of us. We establish a way of life, yes often dysfunctional when dealing with an A. We buy property, pay bills, same as everyone else, with the income provided by us as a couple, sometimes, ours, sometimes theirs, but in a real couple with no A involved no matter who earns it is becomes "ours". To our children we are Mom and Dad, to the world we are Mr and Mrs. How is it that everyone thinks it is easy to "Move on".
I am my own person, but yes my husband is a part of me, as I am a part of him. We share a history, we know things about each other that no one else in the world knows. If an when the time comes that I have to move on, it will be like leaving a body part behind, in fact leaving a body part would be easier. People forget to factor in love, and it is a powerful thing. Yes we have to take care of ourselves, but doesn't it stink if that means leaving behind someone who we love and cherish as we promised to in wedding vows?
It is not easy, it is possible, and I have heard I can be happy without him. But I might be wrong, but I believe that if I remove my husband entirely from my life, I will never be totally happy again. It would be as if he died. I will always feel the emptiness and the dull ache of losing a loved one.
Love Jeannie
Jeannie, I have something to share with you. I married my hubby when I was only 17. We were married for 27 years when I left him. Him and I talk alot. I have told him that if he gets remarried or I get remarried that neither one of us will ever be happy again. I'm like you........When you marry it's for keeps and whatever comes in between means nothing. It was my doing to end my marriage.
Cathy
Cathy,
You have to be like my A with walls for boundaries to not be impacted by relationships. I have been married for 31 years and even though he moved out, the thought of having no interaction with him makes me sad. For me, I have to look at what is really love for another person and what is enmeshment to get those things that I should do for myself like happiness.
Keep asking questions. Some answers will come.
Nancy
cathy i cannot / willnot advise people cause i don't know the WHOLE situation...but for me??? when i was married to MY "A".....i got my 2yr. degree in accounting.....learned computers....did all kinds of stuff to make me *marketable* ........so i could depend on/ take care of me.........i know i *stayed in the marriage* cause i feared the unknown, but you know??? looking back i am glad that i dumped him cause he was NOT enabling me to grow to spiritually evolve...i mean he held me back BIG TIME!!!!
now??? with recovery??? NO alkies are qualified to be my next mate IF there is even someone out there for me...... a coda whos been in recovery for a long time???? yeah, i would risk it maybe.....an "al-anoner" whos been in recovery for a while???? yep, he would probably be a good bet......but an alkie or druggie???? i can't see myself going there......substance abuse cost me too much for tooo long...... this program is teaching me to take care of me...and not to worry....hp and i will take cae of me.....and i may get lonely sometimes, but its a hell of a lot better than living with someone who is NOT active/ long term in recovery....just my take.....rosie
The first thing is get some finacial independance. With that comes freedom. I started in the mail room at a large insurance co. within a couple to years I made enought to support a little one bedroom. I never looked back the minute I left. I am in a similar situtation right now. Things are not working out and will be moving soon. If I didn't have this job that i work my ass off at I would be struck all over again. Just lettering you know how I have managed to make it through some very rough times.
Brandie
I totally agree with you that general society really has no clue at how hard it can be - you can't "just leave" and I'm in the exact opposite position where I am not financially dependent on him and I can't just "kick him out"
Yeah - it sucks.....
You're so right; society just wants to ignore the alcoholic problem in our world; it affects so many people. My A is my husband, my friend, and yet also a problem to my peace and spiritual growth right now. I know having him in my life actually forces me to do more work on myself than I would ordinarily want to; but sometimes it's really difficult not to have hurt feelings. I know no one can make me feel bad - however, it's much more fun hanging around happy people than it is victims. I've been in recovery now since July and I've learned so much about the behavior and how prevelent it is to so many families everywhere.
We never discussed my mom's drinking until two or three years ago; when my sister actually said my mom was an alcoholic; wow. I felt like I had been covering things up for so long. Now I'm out talking about my mom and my husband, and looking at my short comings and my own behavior.
I always felt bad for feeling; this is what I learned. Now I know it's okay to feel, any emotion and if I am in touch with it, and then let it go - the pain will pass. Amazing!!
This is a big stuggle but it's great to know that I'm not alone.
eileen