I guess it's because I'm so new here? I read all of your posts and just DON'T know what to say to any of you. I know I'm going through the same things. I know some of us have it worse and some of us might have it a little better but I just don't know what to say. I want to talk to you all. Maybe I need time for myself like some of you have told me in my posts. I don't know how to take time for myself. I was married for 27 years. I lost my 16 year old daughter 5 years ago. And I met my first A 4 years ago. We rode to town earlier and I decided to buy some yarn and try and get back to my crochet which I used to love. So we'll see. Please somebody just tell me where do I even start.

I'll start by giving a little history about my A. He tries to stop but can't seem to. He can go 2 weeks sober at the most. He has started going to a counselor and doctor. I go with him. I try to encourage him to go to a NA meeting but he's scared. I also support him in any way I can. I am still grieving Andrea's death so I deal with that. When he is sober I really do feel good but when I come home and he's drunk and high from pot, I have a hard time dealing with it. I don't want to deal with it. When we both met 4 years ago I was a drunk. That's how I dealt with my loss. A year ago I decided I was TIRED of doing this so I stopped. He didn't want to. Soooooo, here we are today. People tell me to get out but I'll tell ya......it's not that easy when it comes to love. He doesn't abuse me in anyway or mistreat me. When he's drunk he just sits in front of the tv in his own world. I know he's shutting me out when he's drunk so is that a good reason to leave? This is why it boils down to I don't know how to take time for me I guess. 

OK I'll stop for now. Thanks for reading this.

Cathy

cathy,   iwas the proverbial *blabbermouth* when i first got here....it was easy for me to reply to folks, cause iwas SO lonely...SO in need of  HEALTHY exchange.....its diferent with diferent people......

you will talk, give esh on us when you are ready....meantime...take care of YOU....focus on YOU.....i know , though,  and this is just my take ok????  the more i give to others,  EVEN if it is just a  *hug*  or validation,   the more i get back!!!!!    this program  gives what you give it.......remember this is not a race/ or contest...we each have to  *go it our own way*.......ttyl/ rosie

Cathy You took your first step posting here and your second step buying yarn and getting back to something you enjoy. It is totally baby steps around here. It sounds like it took you 4 years to get to this point with your a and it will take some time to help yourself, because you can't really help him. He needs to help himself. Have you located any face to face meetings in your area? I found them by calling the 1-800-.......... in the phone book. I believe you can do that online as well. Anyway, those meeting are a very important step to sanity. I know I thought I was going crazy when I first came to Ala-non but today I know I'm not and I'm strong. I know who I am and what I want. There are also many great books with daily reading that will help you get thru each day. "The courage to change" is one and my favorite now is "The Language of Letting go" by Melody Beattie. Keep coming back! Whitie

Hey Rosie, I dearly love to talk with people. I really do and have had the same title as you at times. :)  I guess when I read the posts and not knowing anyone it's hard. I will try and take time for ME. I've always been a very giving person and I always came last. I seemed to be ok until meeting my b/f and his problem. Thanks Rosie.

Cathy

Yes Whitie I bought the yarn so now we'll see if I do anything with it. I was talking with b/f earlier and told him I want to go to a meeting. It's 30 minutes away. We live in hicksville. Anyway, I told him if he'll give it a try and go to a NA meeting I would drop him off and go to mine. For some reason he is afraid. I think he's just afraid to face his demons. Thanks for your response. :)

Cathy

Hi (((Cathy)))) nice to meet you.  I sure hear you about not knowing what to say, and you know what?  Thats okay, we don't always need to know what to say.  Sometimes just a hug or an I'm thinking of you is enough.  And sometimes, just when I think I don't know what to say, I start writing and suddenly end up with a novel.  I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter ((((((((big hugs)))))))))).  Of course you are still grieving, that is natural.  Have you tried going to a grief support group?  I personally believe that no matter what the loss is, being able to talk about it is the best thing towards helping us.  I know if I keep something inside, it just festers away and makes me "sick".  I have been learning in Al-Anon to open up and talk about things.  People here are so wonderful with their patience and understanding and love.  Often they have led me to reading something from our literature that was just exactly what I needed to read/hear.  You say you don't know how to take time for yourself.  Just being here and reading, that is one part of taking time for you.  Buying that yarn was another step.  Maybe it doesn't seem like much, but in reality those little steps can be a huge thing.  It is all the teeny tiny baby steps we take that get us to where we need to be.  My personal thoughts on people who say "just get out" - I believe they don't understand about this disease and how it affected us too, and how happiness is an inside job.  Of course if there is physical abuse and a person's life is in danger, then yes I agree with getting out of harms way.  But if that is not the case, then I believe a person needs to really look at themself, at what they want for themself, and at what they need to do to get there.  Some have needed to leave, others have stayed and are quite happy now.  It is a personal choice, a personal decision.  I have stayed with my active A, I have worked hard to change me, to focus on my own behaviors and how I deal with things, I have become calmer and have been able to experience that "peace in the midst of the storm", and I've found that my homelife in turn has improved so much.  I see my children also learning by watching my example, and they are happier too.  Just last night in the chatroom we were discussing the topic of loving our A's and whether leaving or staying was the right thing to do....and it occurred to me that my A isn't the one who changed.  He was drinking when I met him and I thought he was a great guy then.  Well, he still is that same great guy - it was me who changed, me who didn't understand this disease, me who grew resentments and nurtured those angry feelings and blamed him for my unhappiness.  Once I understood that I had a part in all this and began to work on myself, things improved.  The way I had behaved before only made things worse.  I am not saying I was in any way responsible for his behavior.  I am saying I was and am responsible for my own behavior, and back then my behavior was bad too.  My own behavior initiated many of our fights.  My own behavior contributed to my sickness and unhappiness.  Back then I just wanted him to change, I didn't see that I too needed to change.  Back then I blamed everything on just his drinking.  Honestly, I had changed from a fun loving laughing person into a horrible shrew.  Now who would be happy living with a shrew?  I didn't even like myself.  Now with the program help, I like myself once again.  I am rediscovering love and laughter.  Sure I still have bad days, I slip, but I know that I can change that, I can pick myself up and start over, I can adjust my mental attitude, I can take another baby step.  It works for me.  I try to stay present in today.  Today is a good day.  Today I am okay.  I've had days when I was feeling down/depressed/a little angry.  I would feel those feelings for a while and then I'd decide I needed to do something about it, so I'd go outside and pull some weeds, or I'd start doing some housecleaning, or I'd go out and visit with my chickens, or I'd call a program friend... I would just do something.  "When I got busy, I got better" - that's a phrase I heard in here, and by golly, its true!  There is hope.  We can get better.  We can find serenity.  Keep coming back ((((((((Cathy)))))))).  We'll be here for you.  And thank you so much for sharing with us!

Luv, Kis

Carthy, if you feel that my posts to you were abrupt, I am sorry. I truly did not mean to offend. It is simply that you have a choice right now. Stay with him or go. I am terrible sorry about your daughter's death. Losing one's child has to be the greatest hurt in the world, and I will truly keep you in my prayers. But let's talk about the crocheting thing; you have always loved to crochet. Losing interest in a thing that once pleased you is a sign of depression. Now wait...I am no doctor, and do not present myself as such, but losing interest is an overt sign. Until your A faces his demons squarely, there can be no recovery for him. Be that as it may, you need to take care of YOU! Make yourself set aside time to crochet, read, watch a good tv program, go shopping with your friends, have lunch with a good friend...whatever it takes Cathy. You will soon realize how refreshed you will feel, and you will place yourself in a position of being better able to deal with your A. As you say, some of us are less affected by this terrible thing than others. I have an A who, once in a while, goes off on a three-day "gentleman's vacation" as I call it. If he keeps it up, one day it will kill him. He doesn't drink in between binges. I could knock him in the head, but hey...I love the guy. These "vacations" of his occur once a year, maybe a bit more frequently. Otherwise, he is the perfect husband in every way. He knows he best not drink here; that's probably why he takes off to do it. But, no matter, the boundaries are set. It's a killer Cathy...for them AND us. But I am determined to maintain my sanity, and that's what you must do also. Start by taking care of yourself. Give him over to his HP. Remember the 3 Cs.... Sincerely, Diva

i too am in a position like yours. my a stays sober for maybe two weeks  but cant seem to get past that point. he doesnt want to leave me but he also doesnt want to quit drinking. so im stuck with this big decision. i come here everyday and attend the online meetings everyday if possible. i suggest you come to them as well. check the mip main page and come into chat even and meet us one on one. i would love to see you there. everyone in chat has helped me in so many ways. i have not gone to f2f yet but until i do the meetings here do help. i cant tell you to stay or not i dont even know if i should. its all up to you. there are plently of people here that are with active a's and are happy as well as those who have left. every situation is different. so keep coming back. it works if you work it. hope to see you in chat soon

Thanks Kis,

It's so good to know that things can come to some sort of a balance. I've been married three years now to my A. He really wasn't there for me this weekend; I should not be surprised, but lately things have been so good; because I haven't been reacting to him and he's been nice to me as well.Well, Saturday I had a bad day; he was at work and I called crying, saying I was in pain and told hm what was going on. He was encouraging me to get back on track and feel better; but then later he felt that I was interrogating him about something; he hung up the phone and I did not call back, or raise my voice, or do anything I used to do; however, he decided that just being angry for an hour or two wasn't good enough; he kept the anger going and that eve. he wasn't looking at me when I spoke and then he got up and left the house without telling me where he was going; stuff like that. I hate that indifferent behavior, and he knows it. So I told him I was angry about the way he was treating me, and that I was down and would like him to take the higher road once in awhile. What was I thinking??!! I know that if I want to remain in this marrige that I'm the one that will usually take the higher road and be more adult. That's kind of lonely and difficult. It's nice to know that there are so many other people in my shoes, and who understand why I don't want to leave; at least not now.

Thanks so much for your post.

Princess (wannabe).