very confused right now. a came home today and is totally acting like nothing happened. partially cleaned his mess, said he will finish later. yeah right. so i cleaned the bathroom, did my nails and danced to my favorite music. right now i have no feelings about any of this. i dont care what he does. i almost might go out and party myself and let him see how it feels. im feeling very confident so far today. felt like i wanted to cry a little bit but it wouldnt come. so now im just debating if i should ditch him here and make things worse and have a night with the girls and meeting other guys, or staying home and waiting to see what he has in mind. anniversary is tomarrow. we had plans for tonight and he asked if we were still going. i said no why should i have to pay for a night out with you. (he has no money) he really pisses me off. anyways thx for letting me vent
sanddie said
Oct 22, 2005
Gosh, I remember those days-- when I was pissed off and would think screw him, I'll go out with my friends, meet other guys or even just get attention from other guys cause I don't need that crap from my a boyfriend at the time. However, when I was out with friends, particularly in a bar, all that would change because everyone I saw there at the bar just emphasized the feelings I had for my a boyfriend because just the site or smell of the bar was all him. So that didn't work too well. It was this realization that made me finally understand that there was something inside of me that I was longing for and it certainly wasn't a life living with an alcoholic who couldn't love me unconditionally, with respect and love equal to what I give in return. It really wasn't until the attitude of how he pissed me off changed to the discovery of how truly sick he was that I began to change my thoughts about the entire relationship. Rather than be "pissed off" any longer about who he was, I began accepting who he was and in turn, also began searching for what it was I needed in a relationship. Once I got to both of those points-- seeing who really was and the lifestyle he lived conflicting with who I was and what I needed in my life to be at peace and happy, I was able to finally break the relationship off for good. Oh, sure there were times I wanted to call him the first couple of months, as that would have been typical of our off/on relationship of 3 years, but I kept reminding myself how the two of us together only continued to hurt eachother and it wasn't fair to either one of us. I had to accept that he could live his life EXACTLY as he chose, as an alcoholic with his bar buddies and partying lifestyle and be completely fine with that and perhaps even meet a woman who lives his same lifestyle. Both living happily ever after with that lifestyle. I also had to accept that I have needs that are important and that even if it means being alone for a time or even forever if that is God's will, then that is what I will need to do to keep some sort of peace in my life. Does that mean I'm happy-- No, I really do hate not being in a relationship, especially having come my entire life from people who have been abusive. But I'm learning that being alone is much better than dealing with abusive, unemotional, unconnected people who are not healthy for me.
What I learned most about this relationship is that I really had to figure out what it was I needed and wanted in my life before I was finally able to define what it was that my ex a boyfriend couldn't contribute to the relationship. In turn, clearly defining my needs and not wavering back and forth with what I wanted to be accepted, allowed me to walk away.
Take Care!
lmt123 said
Oct 22, 2005
hi new -
I don't think you make anything worse. You can't dance to his tune all the time, and he's gonna find that out at some point. You sound like you are starting to accept that you CAN set boundaries with him. Hooray for you! Remember to not do anything rash, out of spite, something you'll regret. Just do something for yourself, and treat yourself very good! You are a wonderful person and you deserve good things to happen to you.
Hang in there-
Kathi
rosie light shines said
Oct 23, 2005
sanddie said "Gosh, I remember those days-- when I was pissed off and would think screw him, I'll go out with my friends, meet other guys or even just get attention from other guys cause I don't need that crap from my a boyfriend at the time. "
oh sanddie i can soo relate...my A ex husband treated me like i didn't exhist, OR was mean to me/ verbal abuse...so one night i went with my g.f. to a restaurant/bar and we met these GORGEOUS guys....i was honest with the one i was talking with, and i also told him that my *days were numbered* with my EX.......when the eve was over, he walked me to our car and he kissed me good night!!!! kinda just did it!!! it felt good to be validated by a nice guy, and he wanted to help me *get out* too, but i told him i had to do it *my way* otherwise i would not feel good about it
i got home and my "A" was there, wondering how the night went with my friend, i was feeling good from the beer and the kiss and i just said " well for the FIRST time in a LONG time, i had some fun" i let him know that i was going to "reach out" and allow myself to be happy.......he was better to me for a while, but it didn't last.....i ended up leaving....my friend at the bar????? we were friends, but it didn't work out in a romance........but yeah, i can so relate to this thread.......i was so coda back then, i had to have someone ELSE validate me......NOW i do it mySELF........ttyl/ rosie
nycbt said
Oct 24, 2005
It is good that you are learning to set boundaries. THat is something I have to learn. So you are ahead or the game.
Gosh, I remember those days-- when I was pissed off and would think screw him, I'll go out with my friends, meet other guys or even just get attention from other guys cause I don't need that crap from my a boyfriend at the time. However, when I was out with friends, particularly in a bar, all that would change because everyone I saw there at the bar just emphasized the feelings I had for my a boyfriend because just the site or smell of the bar was all him. So that didn't work too well. It was this realization that made me finally understand that there was something inside of me that I was longing for and it certainly wasn't a life living with an alcoholic who couldn't love me unconditionally, with respect and love equal to what I give in return. It really wasn't until the attitude of how he pissed me off changed to the discovery of how truly sick he was that I began to change my thoughts about the entire relationship. Rather than be "pissed off" any longer about who he was, I began accepting who he was and in turn, also began searching for what it was I needed in a relationship. Once I got to both of those points-- seeing who really was and the lifestyle he lived conflicting with who I was and what I needed in my life to be at peace and happy, I was able to finally break the relationship off for good. Oh, sure there were times I wanted to call him the first couple of months, as that would have been typical of our off/on relationship of 3 years, but I kept reminding myself how the two of us together only continued to hurt eachother and it wasn't fair to either one of us. I had to accept that he could live his life EXACTLY as he chose, as an alcoholic with his bar buddies and partying lifestyle and be completely fine with that and perhaps even meet a woman who lives his same lifestyle. Both living happily ever after with that lifestyle. I also had to accept that I have needs that are important and that even if it means being alone for a time or even forever if that is God's will, then that is what I will need to do to keep some sort of peace in my life. Does that mean I'm happy-- No, I really do hate not being in a relationship, especially having come my entire life from people who have been abusive. But I'm learning that being alone is much better than dealing with abusive, unemotional, unconnected people who are not healthy for me.
What I learned most about this relationship is that I really had to figure out what it was I needed and wanted in my life before I was finally able to define what it was that my ex a boyfriend couldn't contribute to the relationship. In turn, clearly defining my needs and not wavering back and forth with what I wanted to be accepted, allowed me to walk away.
Take Care!
hi new -
I don't think you make anything worse. You can't dance to his tune all the time, and he's gonna find that out at some point. You sound like you are starting to accept that you CAN set boundaries with him. Hooray for you! Remember to not do anything rash, out of spite, something you'll regret. Just do something for yourself, and treat yourself very good! You are a wonderful person and you deserve good things to happen to you.
Hang in there-
Kathi
sanddie said "Gosh, I remember those days-- when I was pissed off and would think screw him, I'll go out with my friends, meet other guys or even just get attention from other guys cause I don't need that crap from my a boyfriend at the time. "
oh sanddie i can soo relate...my A ex husband treated me like i didn't exhist, OR was mean to me/ verbal abuse...so one night i went with my g.f. to a restaurant/bar and we met these GORGEOUS guys....i was honest with the one i was talking with, and i also told him that my *days were numbered* with my EX.......when the eve was over, he walked me to our car and he kissed me good night!!!! kinda just did it!!! it felt good to be validated by a nice guy, and he wanted to help me *get out* too, but i told him i had to do it *my way* otherwise i would not feel good about it
i got home and my "A" was there, wondering how the night went with my friend, i was feeling good from the beer and the kiss and i just said " well for the FIRST time in a LONG time, i had some fun" i let him know that i was going to "reach out" and allow myself to be happy.......he was better to me for a while, but it didn't last.....i ended up leaving....my friend at the bar????? we were friends, but it didn't work out in a romance........but yeah, i can so relate to this thread.......i was so coda back then, i had to have someone ELSE validate me......NOW i do it mySELF........ttyl/ rosie