my daughters father won't stop propositioning  me. he figures that i am lonely and he can get his way back in remember he is married. i would never ever ruin  my marriage for anyone. he called like 6 am this morning and i wasn't even awake. i got scared & answered the phone. he told me straight out when are we going to have sex. i said what??? he said i am like a special dish you can only get in Paris a delicacy. and his loves that dish and he wants that dish. he has to have it. every time he calls he brings this up. at first i felt good because when i so down   & out it, then i  would get nervous and laugh and say it's not gonna happen pal. if i tell my husband he will kill him. he says he's not going to stop until i say yes. he said we both have the same to lose. he also brought up the fact that we have been in each others lives for 20 years. please he put me through a different hell cheating it's like i have a punching bag sign on my back. 

thanks for letting vent 

Chrissy. I am so sorry you have this undeserved trouble. Is there any way you can get Caller ID for your telephone? If your child-in-common is 20 years old, you won't need to arrange visits with him. Ignore him. Don't answer. I would tell him I'm recording all his conversations and tell him I'm turning the recordings into the police. (In reality it may be illegal, but you can tell him anyway. Look what he's telling you!).

Instead of thinking of him as your daughter's father, can you tell yourself he's your ex? An ex is much less endearing than the other parent of your beloved child. It may help distance your heart from him and make it more clear to you why you aren't together anymore.

You don't have to be subjected to this guy anymore. You can also consult an attorney because this is harassment. Take charge, protect yourself, and in general take care of yourself.    ---- Jill

Chrissy,

Having been in a parallel situation (not with an ex husband but with an ex significant other) I know the feeling of being wanted and pursued and it is rewarding but only in the very short term. If you fall prey to his selfish manipulations, I promise you the short term feeling of being needed and wanted will quickly be replaced by terrible shame and even lower self worth.

Regardless of the flattering words he is saying, his actions are showing he is thinking only of himself, has no respect for you, his current wife, your husband, or your daughter (how will she feel when both her families are split and left in ruin when everyone finds out he is making these calls, or worse if you give in and they find out about that? Someone always finds out...). We are taught "Let it begin with me..." That makes it your responsibility to give yourself the respect he is not giving you-- set a boundary here, letting him know in no uncertain terms that what he is proposing is out of the question and stop accepting the calls.

He is obviously used to being able to tell you what to do, but he doesn't know that you are a whole new improved version of your old self, and the healthier new self deserves to be protected, respected, and loved. YOU DO KNOW THIS, and if you doubt it, keep coming here. Protect, respect, and love yourself enough to firmly decline any further interaction with him of this kind... by holding that type of interaction out of your life with a new boundary, you leave room for healthier interaction with healthier people--ones that will help you grow and support your progress, not drag you down into the bog of secrecy and shame we all so desperately want to overcome.

You deserve better treatment. Give it to yourself here... 20 years is long enough. I am sending you good thoughts-- pray for the courage to change your part of this situation, and take care of you.

Emmie

 

-- Edited by Emmie11 at 10:01, 2005-10-22

That is definitely sexual harrassment and if I were getting calls from my ex, asking to have sex-- I'd contact the police and file a report.  Nobody has ANY right to question us for sex, especially an ex partner, particularly when we are married to someone else.  The fact that he does that shows disrespect and lack of character towards you.   Actually, complete opposite of what it is that we "think" we need.  I speak from my experience that having come from so much abuse and codependent relationships, I had always felt that the most intimate way that someone showed me that they loved me was through sex.  Gosh, was I wrong-- after having learned the hard way and in fact, it is completely opposite when in abusive relationships.  Sex is just used for these abusers to cure their addictions and problems within themselves.  Sex takes people away from the reality of the abuse in their life and that is why it is so much turned too.  If we think about it, what other time in our life are we completely NOT thinking about ANYTHING other than when we are having sex?   It's like a drug itself if used improperly-- to mask our pain and to take our minds off EVERYTHING and that is does.  I know I went through that for a period and finally realized that wasn't the answer and indeed was even more damaging to my recovery because it allowed me to continue to pick the same type of men in my life.  It toyed with reality of how love is really supposed to be that's for sure.

My prayers are with you Chrissy, take care!

 

-- Edited by sanddie at 10:38, 2005-10-22

Hi Chrissy

Stay strong, you have some good ideas here.

I have learned from my friend how to hit the ignore button on my cell phone when my husband calls me.

Stand up for yourself and your pride.

In recovery

Megan

Hi Chrissy,

As everyone has said caller id and hang up when he rings.  I would be keeping a pen and paper next to the phone of dates and times. If you do go to the police they will then be able to verify what you are saying against his phone records.  You were strong enough to break the link with this guy before,  you can do it again.  His relationship is with your daughter not you.  I assume she has a phone that he can contact her on without going through you if he uses that excuse.  Stay strong.  Luv Leo xx

-- Edited by leo at 11:40, 2005-10-22

chrissy, Beyond the idea of caller ID and not answering... My question is, why are you listening to this stuff at all? Have you said quit calling me? Just hung up? Getting nervous and laughing and then saying "it's not going to happen, pal" sends the wrong signals, what does that say to him? To me it says "keep calling and trying to convince me". It's definately not the same as "Absolutely not, do not call me again, sorry bout your luck!". There's only one way to keep your side of the street clean and that's to say what you need to in no uncertain terms. Christy

very true she does have a phone. when he called at am i got scared my eyes weren't even open i thought it was my husband or about my husband & it was him. first he starts the conversation about my daughter & then the next thing its about us. he feels if we get caught we both have the same things to lose, we both hurt the same people. he is nuts

 i wonder if he ever heard what he is  saying. i don't want to get him in trouble he has a son who just turned 3 and he lost his other son to leukemia almost 4 yrs ago & our daughter is 13. she has enough to deal with.  i could never tell his wife because it would kill her & the poor girl has had enough tragedy in her life. i love my husband i am never going to cheat on him ever!

 i never ever cheated on my boyfriends i am certainly not cheating on my husband. he needs help

thank you for your responses  you guys are great!

You probably have to have some contact with him, because you have a child together. However, you CAN let him know that as soon as the conversation gets off topic, you will hang up. The way you let him know this is by doing it. The first time you will probably feel bad, but you will get used to it. Eventually he will get the message - you value yourself, you will not play games with him, if he can't behave himself he does not get to talk to you. There is nothing selfish, rude or wrong about treating yourself as well as you treat everyone else.

Boundaries Chrissy....

If you don't want this type of behavior coming at you, then make a clear boundary, with consequences, that you will be willing to follow through on....  Grown men (or at least grown up men) don't talk like that....

Tom

Chrissy, While I feel for the loss of his son, I don't understand this idea of not wanting to get him into trouble. You didn't cause this. He did! This may sound cold, but he's not considering your feelings, why the should you? This is one case where you have to stop being the victim! Take your life back! Tell him: ENOUGH! This is behavior is not neccessary, uncalled for, and is harrassment. If you say he's nuts enough to come on to you. What makes you think that he wouldn't be nuts enough to tell your husband that you've been propositioning him? Or something else? Take control of this situation. Set the boundary. Start logging the calls. If you end up going to the police, so be it. You've told him NO! No means no! Stop means stop! If he can't or won't respect your request not to persue this, than you have no choice. He has to suffer the consequences of it. Not wanting to hurt his wife is valid and noble. But it's not enough. Maybe a visit from the police will finely get it through to him. I don't know about you, but how dare someone whom I not interested in tell me that "We will have sex." EXCUSE ME? I DON'T THINK SO! This is my life. I will live it the way I choose, and nobody will tell me otherwise. Don't let this tell you otherwise. By the way, not only does the legal system call this sexual harrassment. They also call it emotional rape. Nobody deserves either. Stand up for yourself. You can do this. You're strong enough. We're behind you. Live strong, Karilynn

Chrissy,

If you are having any trouble whatsoever considering setting a healthy boundary for yourself with this man by directing him in a decisive fashion to stop these calls and these suggestive remarks, temporarily take your personality,his personality and your history together out of the equation and look at the principles at work here.

What is it that you would you want your daughter to do for herself if she found herself in the same situation in adulthood? She is a person you love unconditionally and want to protect. Would you want her to allow herself to be disrespected and be a tool for someone else's self gratifying addictive behavior? What would you hope she would do to preserve the precious soul that she is? Okay, now, demonstrate that you love yourself that much too, and do whatever it is for YOU. Put the principles above the personalities and know that you deserve what your daughter would deserve, what his current wife deserves, what I deserve... we are all equally precious in the eyes of God, you included. You especially.

You have no reason to create a crisis by telling his wife, most likely the desire to do that is not motivated just by honesty and a desire to do good-- remember step 9 tells us we address problems directly only if it will not be harmful to yourself or others, and telling her will be both. Live and Let Live. She will have enough crises on her hands in God's time. You worry about you. Put up a new fence to keep that dog out of your yard, and tidy up the things that are within the fence only.

Emmie

Hang up the phone. Diva

Chrissy, forgive me if what I am about to say seems as if I'm making an assumption.  But I can't help but read your post about how you emphasize, you'd never cheat on your husband, you've never cheated on your previous boyfriends.....  

You're emphasis on those statements has me wonder as you write that who you are trying to convince, us or yourself?   Typically, we write on things that we are unsure of inside of us.  That being the case, perhaps there are some unresolved things going on inside of you, which might make sense in why you are having difficulty setting a firm boundary on something that is clearly harrassment and abusive. 

Take Care!

call your phone company, here on my phone co. you can push star 60 and it blocks that number. just costs a buck. To me this is harrassment. yuck city, love,debilyn

you  are so right i guess i was in denial about what a jerk he really is i will put a stop to this!!!

i don't want my daughter to be treated like this. i was just afraid also for her to know both her dad and step dad have problems. i am going to tell my husband and tell my ex that my husband knows& to knock  knock his  shi* off. i also will tell him if he doesn't stop that i will tell his wife and go to the police. i have been so insane lately. you will be happy to know today he called me 3x and when i saw it was him i gave my phone to my daughter to answer it and  i did not talk to him. 

thanks for your support!

-- Edited by chrissy at 00:16, 2005-10-23

(((chrissy)))   once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater to me......to me?? this guy is POISON!!!!    i agree with the  *caller id* sugesstion.......i think NO response would be the ticket here......i had my X  kinda *stalk me* the same way...calling/  parking outside my house,  etc,  and i just ignored him....like he wasn't there......in those days i didnothave   caller ID  so when i picked up the phone,  and it was him???  i hung up.....i find that   NOT feeding the devil  DRYS him UP!!!!   be careful ok?????   hugs,  rosie

hey chrissy     i am reading what  christy says here..........."Getting nervous and laughing and then saying "it's not going to happen, pal" sends the wrong signals, what does that say to him? To me it says "keep calling and trying to convince me".
It's definately not the same as "Absolutely not, do not call me again, sorry bout your luck!".
There's only one way to keep your side of the street clean and that's to say what you need to in no uncertain terms."

 

chrissy it is called BOUNDARIES.........you know  if you are FIRM...."no bulls*** behind it*  they get the message.....when my X used to call me/ stalk me.....i at first told him,  to get OUT of my face...END of conversaton....and i backed it up by refusing to talk with him,  did not take any calls,  hung up on him.....avoided him......i backed it UP!!!!!   i had to ...otherwise he would say  "well she doesn't mean it"     be strong,  you can do it  for YOU and YOUR recovery    see ya/  rosie