everything was wonderful between me and my a the past two weeks. last night everything changed again. he went out drinking/drugging and didnt come home. today he told me his is sick of living like this and wont quit drinking. so i told him if your really unhappy then leave. he said fine, just like that. he doesnt seem to care whatsoever that this is the end of this. i told him by the way he is acting he is pushing me into the arms of another man. he said i dont care. do what you want. he's making it very clear he is fine with us splitting up. but yet he wont get his a$$ off the couch and get his stuff together to leave. he said he will when i'm at work. yeah right. im really confused and hurt right now. dealing with the hurt that he didnt come home to me is one thing. but now he won't appologize and seems perfectly content that i am hurting so much. i love him and of course i want to be with him. but i put it in his hands. if he wants to leave i cant make him stay. but he could at least own up to what he did and make me know that he loves me. how can somebody be so cruel and kick someone when they're already down. this weekend is our 7 year anniversary. instead of celebrating that fact that we met and are still together and our love for one another, i will be alone thinking of how we failed and how he does not love me and i wasted 7 years of my life.
marmare said
Oct 21, 2005
((((((((notsonew)))))))))) First, stop, breath, and be gentle with yourself. You haven't wasted any time at all, it's all part of our growth. I use to say that all the time, but now I look at what I am becoming. My A says stuff all the time to hurt me. When I asked him to leave on Oct. 1st, he did so in such a quiet matter it scared me, I almost begged him to stay. He is home now, our 7th anniversary is on Christmas Day. Take care of you. I had said for months I was going to get a seperate account at the bank, not to him, but to family and friends. I never did, I didn't think he would touch the bank account, but when he left I went straight to the bank and opened that account. Set a boundary, if he says he's leaving, relax, if you want him gone when your at work tell him just that. I had to leave while my A was packing his stuff, I couldn't stand to be there and watch him pack up. I know myself well enough I would have said stuff like "can't we talk this out" "don't you love me" and so on.....I stayed away from the house all day, then when I went home, I went with the acceptance of my HP is in charge. Not to say I wasn't stressed out, because I was. But each of those 16 days he was gone, I became stronger and used that time to reflect on what is best for me and the boys. Things are quiet now, I am not looking towards tomorrow, just today. Sit and think about what is best for you. I too love my A with all my heart, but it doesn't mean that I have to live with the crisis and drama that he brings. He knows that now, and I hope he reminds himself everyday. I will no longer shout at him or point out what he is or isn't doing. Hang in there, know how much support you have here and in your daily life.
Hugs Mary
JulieLynn said
Oct 21, 2005
(((notsonew))) Oh, do I know how you feel! I have been back a month after a 6 week seperation and I remember when I first left my husband he acted like he didn't care if our marriage worked out or not. I really felt that he didn't love or care about me. We didn't communicate a whole lot while we were seperated and when we did he turned everything around on me. That's what alcoholics do. Blame others for whatever is wrong with them. If they didn't do this then they would have to take a long look at themselves and they don't want to do that. Try to remember that hurt people hurt people. This helped me to have more compassion towards my husband. Turn it over to your HP and try not to take it personal although I know that can be tough at times.
Love,
Julie
rosie light shines said
Oct 21, 2005
i dont' know why it is but the more we take care of ourselves, and DETACH the better chance we have at working things out.....when i used to cry/ plead/ raise hell, my X didn't care....when i "gave up--detached" took care of me, "went my own way" he would *snap to attention* and woo me chase me.....i finally got tired of it and left
when i got into recovery i swore off men till i FIRST fell in love with me / established a relationship with me....i did not realize how coda i was till this last relationship broke up....he was an "A" too.......now, as i get strong with me, as i work through my issues, and fall in love with me, dysfunctional people are less and less attractive to me.....i don't think i would ever get involved with an "A" again, UNLESS hes been in recovery EONS and is serious about the program....than i would still be careful!!!!!
i don't want anyone until my HP says i am ready.....some relationships can work, some can't....if they don't care about me??? than i give them consent to leave......i know when my X moved out...i stayed home to make sure all he took was HIS stuff and not mine.......
i am sorry you are going through this, i truly believe AS we work on US....we will attract the better relationships too us, OR the exhisting relationship will get better cause WE got better with US........just my take, please use what works, leave the rest..rosie
canadianguy said
Oct 21, 2005
What you are going through is terribly difficult stuff, but your post "screams" of how badly you need a program of your own.... Your recovery is THE most important thing right now....
He cannot "make you go into another man's arms" anymore than you can "make him drink".... YOU are responsible for your decisions and behaviors, and HE is responsible for his... This disease makes us sick too.... our values get screwed up, our sense of what is fair & just.... it is too much for most of us to fight this fight alone.... Please find Al-Anon, for YOUR serenity and survival.
everything was wonderful between me and my a the past two weeks. last night everything changed again. he went out drinking/drugging and didnt come home. today he told me his is sick of living like this and wont quit drinking. so i told him if your really unhappy then leave. he said fine, just like that. he doesnt seem to care whatsoever that this is the end of this. i told him by the way he is acting he is pushing me into the arms of another man. he said i dont care. do what you want. he's making it very clear he is fine with us splitting up. but yet he wont get his a$$ off the couch and get his stuff together to leave. he said he will when i'm at work. yeah right. im really confused and hurt right now. dealing with the hurt that he didnt come home to me is one thing. but now he won't appologize and seems perfectly content that i am hurting so much. i love him and of course i want to be with him. but i put it in his hands. if he wants to leave i cant make him stay. but he could at least own up to what he did and make me know that he loves me. how can somebody be so cruel and kick someone when they're already down. this weekend is our 7 year anniversary. instead of celebrating that fact that we met and are still together and our love for one another, i will be alone thinking of how we failed and how he does not love me and i wasted 7 years of my life.
((((((((notsonew)))))))))) First, stop, breath, and be gentle with yourself. You haven't wasted any time at all, it's all part of our growth. I use to say that all the time, but now I look at what I am becoming. My A says stuff all the time to hurt me. When I asked him to leave on Oct. 1st, he did so in such a quiet matter it scared me, I almost begged him to stay. He is home now, our 7th anniversary is on Christmas Day. Take care of you. I had said for months I was going to get a seperate account at the bank, not to him, but to family and friends. I never did, I didn't think he would touch the bank account, but when he left I went straight to the bank and opened that account. Set a boundary, if he says he's leaving, relax, if you want him gone when your at work tell him just that. I had to leave while my A was packing his stuff, I couldn't stand to be there and watch him pack up. I know myself well enough I would have said stuff like "can't we talk this out" "don't you love me" and so on.....I stayed away from the house all day, then when I went home, I went with the acceptance of my HP is in charge. Not to say I wasn't stressed out, because I was. But each of those 16 days he was gone, I became stronger and used that time to reflect on what is best for me and the boys. Things are quiet now, I am not looking towards tomorrow, just today. Sit and think about what is best for you. I too love my A with all my heart, but it doesn't mean that I have to live with the crisis and drama that he brings. He knows that now, and I hope he reminds himself everyday. I will no longer shout at him or point out what he is or isn't doing. Hang in there, know how much support you have here and in your daily life.
Hugs Mary
(((notsonew))) Oh, do I know how you feel! I have been back a month after a 6 week seperation and I remember when I first left my husband he acted like he didn't care if our marriage worked out or not. I really felt that he didn't love or care about me. We didn't communicate a whole lot while we were seperated and when we did he turned everything around on me. That's what alcoholics do. Blame others for whatever is wrong with them. If they didn't do this then they would have to take a long look at themselves and they don't want to do that. Try to remember that hurt people hurt people. This helped me to have more compassion towards my husband. Turn it over to your HP and try not to take it personal although I know that can be tough at times.
Love,
Julie
i dont' know why it is but the more we take care of ourselves, and DETACH the better chance we have at working things out.....when i used to cry/ plead/ raise hell, my X didn't care....when i "gave up--detached" took care of me, "went my own way" he would *snap to attention* and woo me chase me.....i finally got tired of it and left
when i got into recovery i swore off men till i FIRST fell in love with me / established a relationship with me....i did not realize how coda i was till this last relationship broke up....he was an "A" too.......now, as i get strong with me, as i work through my issues, and fall in love with me, dysfunctional people are less and less attractive to me.....i don't think i would ever get involved with an "A" again, UNLESS hes been in recovery EONS and is serious about the program....than i would still be careful!!!!!
i don't want anyone until my HP says i am ready.....some relationships can work, some can't....if they don't care about me??? than i give them consent to leave......i know when my X moved out...i stayed home to make sure all he took was HIS stuff and not mine.......
i am sorry you are going through this, i truly believe AS we work on US....we will attract the better relationships too us, OR the exhisting relationship will get better cause WE got better with US........just my take, please use what works, leave the rest..rosie
What you are going through is terribly difficult stuff, but your post "screams" of how badly you need a program of your own.... Your recovery is THE most important thing right now....
He cannot "make you go into another man's arms" anymore than you can "make him drink".... YOU are responsible for your decisions and behaviors, and HE is responsible for his... This disease makes us sick too.... our values get screwed up, our sense of what is fair & just.... it is too much for most of us to fight this fight alone.... Please find Al-Anon, for YOUR serenity and survival.
Take care
Tom