“If I choose to stop contributing to the problem, I do so because it seems to be the right thing to do, something that will help me to feel better about myself.
When I change my behavior, the behavior of those around me may also change, but there is no guarantee that it will change to my liking.”
Now, how may I apply this to my current situation?
My son 15 year old is hurting. His father is an active and abusive A and marijuana user. Not a very nice man.
My responsibility as a single parent: I could be held accountable for placing my son in a less then ideal situation, it is my job as a parent to see he develops into a healthy, wise and kind individual.
Today he’s back to his counselor (a shrink as he says) –No he is not happy about it.
His grades are less then acceptable –his lashing out (at times) some may call it a “typical teenage boy behavior”
To be honest, it scares me because I wish him all the best he can be, I am seeing his father’s negative side.
I will not enable him.
Someone quoted a speaker she heard while at one of my face to face meetings a few weeks back, “That our grandparents and our parents did not know any better, today we have no excuse” I am grateful for her experience strength and hope she shared that night.
“I” take this to mean we have the knowledge to break the cycle and not repeat it, we are conscious of the hurt “enabling” can do, not to turn the other cheek and apparently accept it.
I know he has a gentle, kind heart and Pray this will be the start of his recovery.
Also from page 32 of "Courage to Change" is Today’s Reminder:
“It is hard to stop acting as I have in the past. But with Al-Anon’s support, I can be the one to break the pattern. I can choose to do what I think is right –for me.”
“You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life…” Jane Seymour
Wishes -Hugs, Tea2
-- Edited by tea2 at 12:18, 2005-10-21
sandie123 said
Oct 21, 2005
Thank you Tea. It's nice to see people take responsibility for their childrens emotions. I am floundering with that right now.
“You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life…” This is so motivatinal... something to try to follow.
Thanks for thte reminders.
Flora123 said
Oct 22, 2005
Dear Tea,
I really appreciate your sharings, here, on the board, or in the chat room.
I did not realise that I raised my children in an alcoholic home, I am not A, nor was my late husband, but, his mother was A, his sister, my sister in law.... it really is the family disease.
All I have to offer you is this: I went to one meeting of alateen - to see if I wanted to be Alateen sponsor (I do not!).
I was so shocked to hear these young people share, they understood, all too well that one parent was A - their anger was reserved for the non A parent. They felt that the non A parent should DO SOMETHING! - They did not specify what!
If, like me, you have been an enabler, and the person who tries to cover up/put things right in the family, it is very difficult to see a different role. From what you have said, you have found some insight, only you know what your next move will be, here, in alanon, we are here to support you, we know you are doing the best you can.
Lots of love,
Flora
xxxxx
“Enabling”
To quote from "Courage to Change", page 32.
“If I choose to stop contributing to the problem, I do so because it seems to be the right thing to do, something that will help me to feel better about myself.
When I change my behavior, the behavior of those around me may also change, but there is no guarantee that it will change to my liking.”
Now, how may I apply this to my current situation?
My son 15 year old is hurting. His father is an active and abusive A and marijuana user. Not a very nice man.
My responsibility as a single parent: I could be held accountable for placing my son in a less then ideal situation, it is my job as a parent to see he develops into a healthy, wise and kind individual.
Today he’s back to his counselor (a shrink as he says) –No he is not happy about it.
His grades are less then acceptable –his lashing out (at times) some may call it a “typical teenage boy behavior”
To be honest, it scares me because I wish him all the best he can be, I am seeing his father’s negative side.
I will not enable him.
Someone quoted a speaker she heard while at one of my face to face meetings a few weeks back, “That our grandparents and our parents did not know any better, today we have no excuse” I am grateful for her experience strength and hope she shared that night.
“I” take this to mean we have the knowledge to break the cycle and not repeat it, we are conscious of the hurt “enabling” can do, not to turn the other cheek and apparently accept it.
I know he has a gentle, kind heart and Pray this will be the start of his recovery.
Also from page 32 of "Courage to Change" is Today’s Reminder:
“It is hard to stop acting as I have in the past. But with Al-Anon’s support, I can be the one to break the pattern. I can choose to do what I think is right –for me.”
“You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life…” Jane Seymour
Wishes -Hugs, Tea2
-- Edited by tea2 at 12:18, 2005-10-21
Thank you Tea. It's nice to see people take responsibility for their childrens emotions. I am floundering with that right now.
“You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life…” This is so motivatinal... something to try to follow.
Thanks for thte reminders.