I am angry with what happen last night. I work very hard on my tempter. I did well I didn't call him that much which was a good thing. I didn't go running after him which was another good thing. I didn't cry when he left. But I did snap and I end up hitting him lightly. But I yelled I lost it. I am mad that I am going through this. Why am I doing this too my self. Why do I put up with this stuff? I wish I knew the answers.
Cathy said
Oct 21, 2005
I am always fine when I get home from work and b/f is sober. But when he's drunk I just hate it. I think we do these things because we have no control over the situation. We want things to change and they don't. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. Just know that you're not alone.
Cathy
captcodee said
Oct 21, 2005
I hear ya girlfriend.
Forgive yourself. Progress, not perfection, and you can always say sorry. I have a tendency to lose it when he starts drinking and I don't want him to, or he drinks more than I want him to, or he gets up on the wrong side of the bed, or uses the wrong towel... My sponsor was kind enough to point out that my expectations can bee unreasonable. Now that I have identified the obstacle, I am able to THINK instead of react.
Don't get me wrong, I did have a fight with my hubby this morning over a pot of coffee.... but that is besides the point. I know that we will be able to kiss and make up by lunch, because I can admit when I am wrong, and have patience when he is wrong. If he goes running away, I need to let him. We usually both need to cool down if it comes to that. By not chasing him (which you were awesome to do yourself!) We stop the tendency to change the fight and lose focus.
The best thing I learned is to say sorry, and to not expect him to. I can forgive him with out him asking to be forgiven. That is the loving thing to do.
By the way, we put up with this stuff because we don't know how to do any different.
Be kind to yourself.
Aron
-- Edited by captcodee at 12:15, 2005-10-21
nycbt said
Oct 21, 2005
Thank you guys for answering my post.
Satori said
Oct 21, 2005
Still angry today after being angry yesterday? Yep, been there. Anger has this way of feeding on itself sometimes. Captcodee shared a lot of great points on her post, I especially like "Forgive yourself. Progress, not perfection, and you can always say sorry." I can only add that in my experience, I really, really and truly had to embrace accepting things I cannot change so someone else's actions/words rolled off rather than effect me. I started by practicing longer periods of 'hesitation first' before reacting in anger and becoming destructive. Kind of like counting to 10. Believe me, I didn't make it to 5 many times over before I lost control, yelled, emotionally anialiated someone to a pulp, and yes, gave them that quick hit or physical shove at the last second as they walked away or I did.
But now? Anger is replaced with loving communication. If that cannot occur because of the other person's own lack of serenity or peace, I walk away or watch them walk away when they realize I am not going do anything to feed their own self-destructive behavior because they see that my peace and serenity at that moment is going to remain intact, regardless of what they do or say at that moment. I will not be brought down or angered by someone else that does not have the ability at that moment or any moment to lovingly communicate. I realized that it only makes things worse to do otherwise and my HP truly takes care of the rest. Always amazes me now. The progress for myself that I very slowly and painstakingly made was definitely worth the wait.
Forgive yourself, continue to take good care of you, and keep progressing!
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
marmare said
Oct 21, 2005
Be gentle with yourself. We all slip, it's okay, it's part of the learning and growing process. You sound as if you were re-active instead of pro-active. You will get back on track. Hang in there.
Hugs Mary
nycbt said
Oct 21, 2005
Thank you guys always for responsing. I am trying to calm down. He is not going to remeber a thing about yesterday. So if I bring it up it will problary going to start a problem. So I am trying to calm down before I end up going home.
rosie light shines said
Oct 21, 2005
when i have a *slip in emotions* i forgive myself....look at the WHY i did it, what trigger?? what amend do i make??? i go the steps on it....than i forgive me and do my self talk, that its PROGRESS not perfection that i am seeking....slips are part of growing.......give yourself gentle hugs, and feel better, rosie
I am always fine when I get home from work and b/f is sober. But when he's drunk I just hate it. I think we do these things because we have no control over the situation. We want things to change and they don't. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. Just know that you're not alone.
Cathy
I hear ya girlfriend.
Forgive yourself. Progress, not perfection, and you can always say sorry. I have a tendency to lose it when he starts drinking and I don't want him to, or he drinks more than I want him to, or he gets up on the wrong side of the bed, or uses the wrong towel... My sponsor was kind enough to point out that my expectations can bee unreasonable. Now that I have identified the obstacle, I am able to THINK instead of react.
Don't get me wrong, I did have a fight with my hubby this morning over a pot of coffee.... but that is besides the point. I know that we will be able to kiss and make up by lunch, because I can admit when I am wrong, and have patience when he is wrong. If he goes running away, I need to let him. We usually both need to cool down if it comes to that. By not chasing him (which you were awesome to do yourself!) We stop the tendency to change the fight and lose focus.
The best thing I learned is to say sorry, and to not expect him to. I can forgive him with out him asking to be forgiven. That is the loving thing to do.
By the way, we put up with this stuff because we don't know how to do any different.
Be kind to yourself.
Aron
-- Edited by captcodee at 12:15, 2005-10-21
Still angry today after being angry yesterday? Yep, been there. Anger has this way of feeding on itself sometimes. Captcodee shared a lot of great points on her post, I especially like "Forgive yourself. Progress, not perfection, and you can always say sorry." I can only add that in my experience, I really, really and truly had to embrace accepting things I cannot change so someone else's actions/words rolled off rather than effect me. I started by practicing longer periods of 'hesitation first' before reacting in anger and becoming destructive. Kind of like counting to 10. Believe me, I didn't make it to 5 many times over before I lost control, yelled, emotionally anialiated someone to a pulp, and yes, gave them that quick hit or physical shove at the last second as they walked away or I did.
But now? Anger is replaced with loving communication. If that cannot occur because of the other person's own lack of serenity or peace, I walk away or watch them walk away when they realize I am not going do anything to feed their own self-destructive behavior because they see that my peace and serenity at that moment is going to remain intact, regardless of what they do or say at that moment. I will not be brought down or angered by someone else that does not have the ability at that moment or any moment to lovingly communicate. I realized that it only makes things worse to do otherwise and my HP truly takes care of the rest. Always amazes me now. The progress for myself that I very slowly and painstakingly made was definitely worth the wait.
Forgive yourself, continue to take good care of you, and keep progressing!
Live to Love and Love to Live,
Satori
Be gentle with yourself. We all slip, it's okay, it's part of the learning and growing process. You sound as if you were re-active instead of pro-active. You will get back on track. Hang in there.
Hugs Mary