I have not posted in quite a while. I guess I have strayed from working program, but have still been focusing on changes to myself. I have recently been working on refinancing my home to lower my monthly cost of living expenses. I believe I had posted previously that I was struggling with either selling my property and leaving the "A" or finding some other solution. Lately I have supplemented my Al Anon work for advised reading by our previous marriage therapist. One day, I was tired of doing the same old thing and decided to pick up the book by Harville Hendrix and look at the section on a " Concious Marriage". A huge light and wistle went off in my mind and spirit that day and made me realize how resistant I have been to change. The truth is looking at myself introspectively is harder than I thought. My heart and my mind have not been in agreement. I'll say, " I have to change this or that", but have not really committed myself in learning the new skills to do this. Al Anon and therapy are the only tools I have in my bag to assist me in doing this. My "A" had also taken some time for me to listen to my discovery, he didn't ridicule me or put me down for it, he was just glad that I'm finally getting the big picture. A huge part of me feels I have to be right all the time. I have to be protective of myself, my money, my children and their well being. I really don't give my "a" any credit or room to share these responsibilites with.
Which makes him right when he says, " You don't treat me as an equal, I feel beneath you and you talk down to me all the time." What a B!@#*I have been!! I have to know how this happened to me, I have to know how to change myself and stop pretending that my way of doing, saying, being is the only right way. ( From my toddler's point of view, I have to learn to share and play nice!)
Has this pattern of stepping away from program and coming back happened to anyone else? I'd really like to hear how others have dealt with it.
Thanks Friends
Jeannie said
Oct 20, 2005
Hi,
What you said about not treating your A as an equal, really hit home for me.
In my family we are in a catch 22. My husband uses the fact that I won't let him handle the bills and deal with money. When I complain I am tired, he throws it at me that I will not accept his help.
In a way he is right. When I ask him to do something in the house, his way is to rip everything apart. He will start 2 or three projects, take everything apart, and then get drunk and pass out, leaving a huge mess. If I do not clean up, the kids and I must live among the mess. Not only is it horrible, but often dangerouse. So his helping gives me three times as much work.
He is willing to help with the laundry occasionally, but again, gets drunk while doing it, and then takes it out of the dryer and dumps it either on the floor or damp in a basket. He refuses to fold it or put it away. So I end up rewashing the mildewy clothes or hte clothes that are dirty from the floor. If they by chance stay clean, they are so wrinkled they need ironing.
As for the bills. He has a pecking order to pay them, that benefits his drinking and his selfishness. When he is home cable must be paid first so he has it. If he is thrown out to his parents, we should not have to pay the cable, after all he is not here, and he doesn't care if the kids have it. His spending money and beer money comes out before all other expenses, as well as money for snacks for him. He is convinced we do not need a phone, nor do I need my cell phone, even though I drive a bus and carry it for safety,as do must drivers I work with.
We do not need an Internet service or a computer as he does not use it. His car should be repaired and serviced, but mine and our sons are not important, never mind we both work, but he doesn't.
The other thing I could use help with is driving the kids around, there are 6 of them and that makes for a lot of driving. I will not allow my children in the car with someone who is drunk, and can not usualy let them in the car since he will never tell the truth if he has been drinking.
He wants to do the grocery shopping, but if I send him, he doesn't come back for hours and only has bought half of wjhat we needed and used the rest of the money for beer or something he wanted.
He tells me the way I treat him is one of the reasons he drinks. As long as he drinks I cannot and will not trust him with anything important in this family. He has proven time and time again he cannot be trusted, he worries only about himslef, not the rest of the family.
So in a way he is right, but it is because of him and his drinking. As a responsible parent, I have no choice.
Jeannie
captcodee said
Oct 20, 2005
Boy oh boy! Both of your posts hit home! You are both explaingin my situation!
But let me tell you how I have approached it...
I handle all the bills, finances, and general organization of the allocation of money period, including allowances, gifts etc. This method sucks when it comes time to gifts for me from my family, as I have to dole out the money, but I know I can't give the hubby any money to go purchase a gift, as he will just end up in the bar.
I have accepted that as a part of the life I have chosen. I want to remain with my hubby, so have accepted that as a part of the deal.
My husband also lost his license due to drinking and driving, so I have to do all the grocery shopping, running kids around, and I drop him off and pick him up from work (it is on my way to my own job, so it is not that bad). If he chooses to work late, he has to take the bus, but I am not going out of my way to make sure that he has money for the train. I can never go for coffee after work or anything, cause I have to pick up the kids from their care giver...
I have accepted that as part of the life I have chosen. I want to remain with my hubby, so I have accepted this as part of the deal.
The laundry, the house work, all of it, sounds just like my house...
The advantage is that because I don't bicker and whine (much) about my responsibiliites, the paternal part of him kicks in with stuff that I dread doing... making lunches for school, doing the dishes, walking for the mail, cleaning up dog poop.
It is not much, but it is a beginning. WHen we were first together, and doing the brand new baby post partum-living with an active alcoholic dance, I was NASTY! I berated him for not having the capacity to do the things that I won't allow him to do.
Marraige is a union of talents and capabilities. I have the best skills with the money, he washes a great pot. (not to mention that he puts dishes in the sink with food still on it and crumples up the soggy cloth to get moldy so I won't do them anyhow)
I just thought I would tell you that I gather strength from knowing that i have accepted these as facts of the marraige. By doing that, I am less likely to bicker and nag him when he already feels bad because he has the disease of alcoholism. When we are with a sick person, we usually have to carry a bit more weight anyhow, this is my choice.
Hope that helps.
Aron
jj said
Oct 20, 2005
((((Mom))))
I have gone through this "Slump" I call it where I put my program on the back burner. Using my tools but not really working my program. I was reading on it as I have had difficulty getting back to the steps... Well it is not only common for this to happen but it is an important part of recovery. This time when we don't feel like working our program is actually a decission making time, a time to absorb what we have learned. This was in the How Alanon Works book.
I also read something else that caught my attention... How we are on this dark path of life and we come to a bridge we who have found the program have decuided to take the journey over the bridge where on the other side it is bright and beautiful, on a path that paralells us is our A standing at the bridge in the dark scared and not sure what to do. They do not see that the bridge leads to recovery and the serene path on the other side of the bridge. they are stuck and not ready to walk with us and we can not grab their hand and make them come.
I can't remember where I read the path thing but it was beautiful. When I was not working my program I was in the middle of the bridge taking a breather!! taking in the scene on both sides and I choose to keep going to the brighter side!!
I am glad that you are back!!!
Keep comming back
Love in recovery JJ
pixel04 said
Oct 20, 2005
Hi Twinmom,
I've struggled with my program recently, too. But, a large part of that for me consisted of worrying about whether or not i was working my program to everyone else's satisfaction. Talk about putting others first. When I got frustrated enough with that way of thinking I sat back, asked myself what I could reasonably do, and have been doing it. But it took getting totally frustrated with myself to get to the point where I could do that. The perfectionist part of me cringes at that "you're where you need to be" phrase but I KNOW it applies to me :)
It has been hard for me to commit to working change into my life and attitude, too. Alanon is the only thing that has helped me to be successful with it. One of the reasons I keep coming back.
Kristen
twinmom2 said
Oct 20, 2005
Thanks everyone for your response. I identify with being in the middle of the bridge. I guess I was looking at my situation from both sides. The darker and the lighter. Faith to get through my hard times and my belief in my HP has pushed me over the top of wall in the past. I suppose if I have made the decision to close the exits to my relationship with my "a" I need to accept the bad with the good. I have realized in my "time out" that I have allowed myself to live in oppression. I prayed and prayed for a solution to present itself, and hopefully I am making the right choices to move from survival to enjoyment of life. Thank you all for the encouragement. Peace
Hello Group,
I have not posted in quite a while. I guess I have strayed from working program, but have still been focusing on changes to myself. I have recently been working on refinancing my home to lower my monthly cost of living expenses. I believe I had posted previously that I was struggling with either selling my property and leaving the "A" or finding some other solution. Lately I have supplemented my Al Anon work for advised reading by our previous marriage therapist. One day, I was tired of doing the same old thing and decided to pick up the book by Harville Hendrix and look at the section on a " Concious Marriage". A huge light and wistle went off in my mind and spirit that day and made me realize how resistant I have been to change.
The truth is looking at myself introspectively is harder than I thought. My heart and my mind have not been in agreement. I'll say, " I have to change this or that", but have not really committed myself in learning the new skills to do this. Al Anon and therapy are the only tools I have in my bag to assist me in doing this. My "A" had also taken some time for me to listen to my discovery, he didn't ridicule me or put me down for it, he was just glad that I'm finally getting the big picture. A huge part of me feels I have to be right all the time. I have to be protective of myself, my money, my children and their well being. I really don't give my "a" any credit or room to share these responsibilites with. 
Which makes him right when he says, " You don't treat me as an equal, I feel beneath you and you talk down to me all the time." What a B!@#*I have been!! I have to know how this happened to me, I have to know how to change myself and stop pretending that my way of doing, saying, being is the only right way. ( From my toddler's point of view, I have to learn to share and play nice!)
Has this pattern of stepping away from program and coming back happened to anyone else? I'd really like to hear how others have dealt with it.
Thanks Friends
Hi,
What you said about not treating your A as an equal, really hit home for me.
In my family we are in a catch 22. My husband uses the fact that I won't let him handle the bills and deal with money. When I complain I am tired, he throws it at me that I will not accept his help.
In a way he is right. When I ask him to do something in the house, his way is to rip everything apart. He will start 2 or three projects, take everything apart, and then get drunk and pass out, leaving a huge mess. If I do not clean up, the kids and I must live among the mess. Not only is it horrible, but often dangerouse. So his helping gives me three times as much work.
He is willing to help with the laundry occasionally, but again, gets drunk while doing it, and then takes it out of the dryer and dumps it either on the floor or damp in a basket. He refuses to fold it or put it away. So I end up rewashing the mildewy clothes or hte clothes that are dirty from the floor. If they by chance stay clean, they are so wrinkled they need ironing.
As for the bills. He has a pecking order to pay them, that benefits his drinking and his selfishness. When he is home cable must be paid first so he has it. If he is thrown out to his parents, we should not have to pay the cable, after all he is not here, and he doesn't care if the kids have it. His spending money and beer money comes out before all other expenses, as well as money for snacks for him. He is convinced we do not need a phone, nor do I need my cell phone, even though I drive a bus and carry it for safety,as do must drivers I work with.
We do not need an Internet service or a computer as he does not use it. His car should be repaired and serviced, but mine and our sons are not important, never mind we both work, but he doesn't.
The other thing I could use help with is driving the kids around, there are 6 of them and that makes for a lot of driving. I will not allow my children in the car with someone who is drunk, and can not usualy let them in the car since he will never tell the truth if he has been drinking.
He wants to do the grocery shopping, but if I send him, he doesn't come back for hours and only has bought half of wjhat we needed and used the rest of the money for beer or something he wanted.
He tells me the way I treat him is one of the reasons he drinks. As long as he drinks I cannot and will not trust him with anything important in this family. He has proven time and time again he cannot be trusted, he worries only about himslef, not the rest of the family.
So in a way he is right, but it is because of him and his drinking. As a responsible parent, I have no choice.
Jeannie
Boy oh boy! Both of your posts hit home! You are both explaingin my situation!
But let me tell you how I have approached it...
I handle all the bills, finances, and general organization of the allocation of money period, including allowances, gifts etc. This method sucks when it comes time to gifts for me from my family, as I have to dole out the money, but I know I can't give the hubby any money to go purchase a gift, as he will just end up in the bar.
I have accepted that as a part of the life I have chosen. I want to remain with my hubby, so have accepted that as a part of the deal.
My husband also lost his license due to drinking and driving, so I have to do all the grocery shopping, running kids around, and I drop him off and pick him up from work (it is on my way to my own job, so it is not that bad). If he chooses to work late, he has to take the bus, but I am not going out of my way to make sure that he has money for the train. I can never go for coffee after work or anything, cause I have to pick up the kids from their care giver...
I have accepted that as part of the life I have chosen. I want to remain with my hubby, so I have accepted this as part of the deal.
The laundry, the house work, all of it, sounds just like my house...
The advantage is that because I don't bicker and whine (much
) about my responsibiliites, the paternal part of him kicks in with stuff that I dread doing... making lunches for school, doing the dishes, walking for the mail, cleaning up dog poop.
It is not much, but it is a beginning. WHen we were first together, and doing the brand new baby post partum-living with an active alcoholic dance, I was NASTY! I berated him for not having the capacity to do the things that I won't allow him to do.
Marraige is a union of talents and capabilities. I have the best skills with the money, he washes a great pot. (not to mention that he puts dishes in the sink with food still on it and crumples up the soggy cloth to get moldy so I won't do them anyhow)
I just thought I would tell you that I gather strength from knowing that i have accepted these as facts of the marraige. By doing that, I am less likely to bicker and nag him when he already feels bad because he has the disease of alcoholism. When we are with a sick person, we usually have to carry a bit more weight anyhow, this is my choice.
Hope that helps.
Aron
((((Mom))))
I have gone through this "Slump" I call it where I put my program on the back burner. Using my tools but not really working my program. I was reading on it as I have had difficulty getting back to the steps... Well it is not only common for this to happen but it is an important part of recovery. This time when we don't feel like working our program is actually a decission making time, a time to absorb what we have learned. This was in the How Alanon Works book.
I also read something else that caught my attention... How we are on this dark path of life and we come to a bridge we who have found the program have decuided to take the journey over the bridge where on the other side it is bright and beautiful, on a path that paralells us is our A standing at the bridge in the dark scared and not sure what to do. They do not see that the bridge leads to recovery and the serene path on the other side of the bridge. they are stuck and not ready to walk with us and we can not grab their hand and make them come.
I can't remember where I read the path thing but it was beautiful. When I was not working my program I was in the middle of the bridge taking a breather!! taking in the scene on both sides and I choose to keep going to the brighter side!!
I am glad that you are back!!!
Keep comming back
Love in recovery
JJ