I've been having some trouble in my marriage lately. I have talked about it with my sponsor, and at her suggestion I've sought outside help to help me figure out how to handle it. I've never done anything like this before, and I'm not confortable with it. I've searched around and seen a few people and settled with someone I think I can talk with, but I'm just not comfortable with the concept. My sponsor helped me see that the trouble I'm having probably has something to do with my having grown up in an alcoholic home. I think that's true on some level. Last week at the counseling appointment, I was asked some more detailed questions about my family. I answered everything that was asked of me. She asked if I could see how that kind of background could bring out the type of behvaior I am seeing in myself in my marriage. I agreed I could see it, but at the same time I really couldn't. I don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling except to say that in order to respond that I could see it, I had to imagine the question was being asked of someone else. Yes, I can see how a person could have this kind of problem from that kind of experience. But I don't believe it of me. Or, maybe it's not that I don't believe it. I just don't feel it. I don't feel anything about it at all. On a logical level I'm aware of how it could happen. When I am in a good place in my mind, and I think about it, it seems to make sense. I can understand the behavior, and I can understand I shouldn't do it. But then in the situation itself, it's like I am on auto-pilot, panic sets in, and that exact behavior I know in my calm moments I need to avoid becomes the one thing I think is going to make it all better. And I go right to it. It frustrates me I haven't been able to stop it. My sponsor has asked me to read more about the characteristics of children of alcoholics. I've read so much. I've sat through so many meetings. I feel like I know all this stuff inside and out. But I just can't relate to it. I search through it and listen closely, scanning for information that will make it all make sense. But so far it doesn't. I remember as a kid sitting on the floor in my room, thinking about my situation. And I can remember telling myself it does no good to think about it. Thinking about it puts me in a funk, and in that funk I can't function. I'm not consciously having that conversation with myself anymore, but it's like the reaction is the same. I'm somewhat scared that thinking about it now is making a big deal out of something that is already done, finished. Part of me thinks if I go through this exercise of paying attention to all the junk now, I'm just blaming my troublles on my upbringing, and I know how futile that is. Yet another side of me knows that the things I have paid attention to in the past couple of years in this program I have really been able to improve on. I know if I can't see it I can't change it. I'm worried about now having to pay attention to some of these things in order to learn to do things differently. I stubbornly sit here thinking I should just be able to do it. At the same time I know that blind effort like that doesn't get me far. I'm scared I'm making a big deal out of nothing. Thanks for listening, Kristen

Hang in there Kristen...

Sometimes the things that are hardest for me to grasp or understand are the things I am closest to. I can tell everyone else how to manage their lives, I can see their stuff so clearly, but when it comes to my own, my perception is distorted because I am too close.

I grew up in an alcoholic home too, and one thing I have learned here is that just because something is uncomfortable doesn't mean it is a bad choice-- it usually means it is new to me and I am not used to it yet. Lots of healthy things were very uncomfortable for me at first because what I was accustomed too was crisis, chaos, and distress--that is where I was comfortable, but it was killing me to stay in that state all the time.

Don't give up, and when you feel afraid remember that this too shall pass.

You have friends here...

Emmie

 

Hi (((Kristen)))

I too grew up in an alcoholic home, and so relate to the things you say here.  It is so easy to look at someone else's situation and see how it could effect them in certain ways, but can't see it applying to us!  We are too close to the issue to be objective. 

You said you learned as a child "not to think" about things that would "put you in a funk".  I certainly think I did that too and that it was a normal way of dealing with something that we did not have any other way of dealing with at the time.  And now you worry that thinking about those old things are "making a big deal out of something that is already done, finished".

I know what you mean.  But I have to tell you that in working the 4th step, when I was ready, I was required to revisit all of these old "issues".  And it is a scarey thing to anticipate!  But I found that in the actual "working" of the process, using my new found al-anon tools and with the support of my sponsor and al-anon family that the process has been so very liberating and healing.  I have discovered so many things about myself and learned why I react to certain situations and people the way that I do.  

Facing up to all those old issues is truly the only way to ferret them out into the light of day where we can exam them up close and figure how we can recognize them for where they came from and what they are and can then come up with a way to take the power they have over us away.  Then gently hand them over to our HP for His disposal. 

Yours in Recovery,

David

 

HI PIX,  keep it simple pix , do the opposite to what u normally do. for instance - in a situation where u would usually jump in to justify your behavior - don't  sit and listen instead . I was told I had to learn 2 things here- when to speak up and when to shut up hehe.   If i would normally jump into  a argument  I learned to sit down and shut up, where i would normally sit and listen I started to speak up. it has to turn out different.

Most of us are very defensive because we just simply don't trust our own judgment that need to be right can cause alot of problems for me.  someone asked me if i would rather be right or loved ?not much of a choice is it.

 I have learned here that just because my husb and I don't think alike it dosent make me wrong  we simply don't agree.  When u did your step work step4 showed you your defects mostly based on fear and insecurity I would bet,recognise it for what it is and ask yourself  (what is the worse thing that could  happen here) become aware of what feelings are driving you to react instead of respond, and you will find the secret to serenity . stay in the now not back then and things wil smooth out alot faster.

 You mentioned that u feel when u search back to your childhood you feel like your blaming or making excuses for your behavior   I disagree we are after all products of our enviorment ,back then u were surviving  here your learning to live .     Louise

Hi pixie, While I can't speak to growing up in an alcoholic home, I do understand the frustration of therapy, and doing the things the opposite way that I use to. I lost my Mom at an early age (19), and I completely shut down. I also had suicidal feelings. That's when I sought help. My family pulled apart instead of together when she passed. I had tried support groups but my issues were different (so I thought at the time). It takes a while for it to "kick in." I could see the logic in what they were saying, but I didn't have a cluehow to apply it to me. I remember being ready to quit out of frustration. I wasn't getting better fast enough. I thought there had to be a time frame. I'll give it 2 months and by then I'll be cured! Yeah, right. Digging up the past can be a frightening experience, especially if you've been shut down for a while like I had. I didn't have a bad childhood, I had a great one for the most part. But it took a while to see some things that were back there and how they affected my emotional well being. I think the resistance to treatment has a lot to do with the fear of the unknown. My A has just started his mental health sessions, and he's frightened. What if he discovers things he doesn't like about himself or his family? What if this...? What if that ....? Cut yourself some slack. I'm guessing that it took you a bit to get use to your sponsor too right? The same thing will happen with your therapist. Try to keep an open mind. Give yourself some time. If you're in a situation and afraid that you might repeat the same behavior that gets you into trouble try thinking about it this way. Imagine your watching someone else. You know what the right thing to do is. You know what they should be doing. Think of yourself as a third person. Sometimes when I need to kick myself in the pants I say: "Karilynn needs to do ......." Not, "I need to do ...... " . Saying it out loud like that makes it more real. Hang in there. You're doing fine. I know it's frustrating. Just know that it will get better. Live strong, Karilynn

((((Kristen))))

Gosh, reading your post was like looking into my OWN life!!  I'm going through EXACTLY what you are dealing with...and my sponsor has said the SAME things to me.  We must have the same sponsors!

She told me that as a child living with an alcoholic father, I pretty much "didn't feel", so that I could deal with all the problems going on.  It was a way to protect me from the immense pain.  I guess it was also a way for me to keep my sanity.  When she had me write my past from as far back as I can remember, I did that.  But for some unconscious reason, I couldn't bring myself to keep writing.  I stopped at the point where I graduated from high school.  Anyway, when I read what I had written to her, she said I read it in a way that was "matter-of-fact", that I showed absolutely NO emotion.  She asked me how I felt about what went on, and I said, I don't know, I just remember it being normal.  She said it WAS NOT normal, and asked me to think of it happening to my daughter, not myself, and how would I feel then.  I said, I'd probably hate that person for it, and that I thought they were a bad person.  Her point was to try to get me to see that what went on was not the "norm", just that I had shut down to protect myself.  So I am trying to access those feelings, which is very hard, cause I don't want to dig up old crap and face it. 

Maybe it will help you to know that you are right where you're supposed to be right now, and that those feelings will surface when you work your program.  I know...because I did have feelings of hate for my dad recently when I least expected it.  I guess that's progress...lol.

Hang in there and trust your HP, and listen to your sponsor and counselor.  They will be able to help you.  And keep coming back here...

((Hugs))

Kathi

Wow David, such ES& H. I know you were responding to Kristen, but reading your post really helped me to remember some important things for me too. I love how this program works! Hugs.

I can't add much to all of the great posts here, except to say - if it were really done and finished, you would not be having problems. Like getting out a splinter, or cleaning a wound, it has to be done in order to heal