It's been three days since my A returned home.  I thought when he came home he would come back with a chip on his shoulder, he didn't.  He returned home very humble.  He shared how he missed me, even though he said he didn't, he said he was hurt and wanted to hurt me back.  (this is the first sharing of feelings on his part in a very long time) 

I will at this point really focus on one day at a time!  I will accept small miracles however they may come.  About three years ago my A started sleeping with his back to me, for the last three nights he has fell asleep touching me, either holding me or holding my hand, to me that is a small miracle.  I know this is the honeymoon period, but that's okay, I will accept that too.  I am not anxious about what will happen, I am continuing to take care of me, doing my daily things for myself.  I am not worried about tomorrow as I am staying in the present.  (my father use to tell me not to worry about tomorrow for God is already there....wow how profound is that?) I have acquired a new sense of calmness which I am enjoying.  Not the calmness that comes when someone else is doing something to appease you, it is a calmness inside, a sense of peace.  I have only had one person question my decision, but as my wise mother told me, "they do not live in your house, pay your bills, or are married to your husband, they do not know what goes on in your heart or behind closed doors"  LOL I LOVE MY MOM!!!!

Hugs Mary

 

(((((((((Mary))))))))))))), I'm so glad for you. I can sense the peace from your post. You're right, to with the people who are questioning your decision. You Mom is such a wise woman. I'm sure she's passed that on to you. Keep being good to yourself. I hope all goes well for you and your family. What a strong person you are. Remember where's there is love, there is always hope. Live strong, Karilynn

My ex is reconsidering our divorce and sale of the our house and wants us to work on the relationship. This is after 'everyone' told her it was the right thing to do, she needs space to work things out, she can't work on herself with me in her life, bla, bla, bla.... Now she's telling me that she only went through with it because 'everyone' convinced her it was the right thing to do.  Since she's opened up to me in the past few weeks, we've been communicating better than we have in years. I honestly believe that because of my stay in the rehab and hard work in AA that I'm much further along in my recovery than she is (not my opinion alone) I've seen so much progress in her personally in the past few days it's amazing, I really feel that if she continues to trust me and open up to me more, I can be a very positive influence in her recovery. Last night we went to our couples therapist and I feel that she really accepted some strong critisizm from him without getting defensive or attacking me for a change.

Today she goes to her own therapist who tells her that we need time apart to work on herself. This therapist has never met me and only knows of my situation through my ex. My ex who has recently told me that she really screwed things up and misunderstood a lot of the things I did and is just starting to realize everything I went through while getting sober. I'm a little pissed right now because I don't feel her therapist is giving her well informed advice, she's helping keep up those walls that my ex had just recently been tearing down. My ex is so confused right now, I hope this doesn't cause her to go backwards.

Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I can really relate to what you said about other people who don't know what's in your heart giving advice about what's best for you.

Lou

Mary thanks for talking about the tiny miracles. Great reminder. It fosters gratitude. What a good tool to really live in the present. As I read your posts, you are meeting life on life's terms. That's the best we can do (well, does it get any better?).   Kudos to you!.   --- Jill

The past week with my husband has been so wonderful.  He has completely changed and I could see him working on things and his HP working on things, and I was working on things.  I loved seeing the little things.

Last night we got some bad news and I really started to see him begin to struggle again.  As he says the "lion" awoke.  I hurt so much for him.  He was trying so hard and things just come to sucker punch him.  His first response was that of anger.  Then he did go to church that was a miracle because if it had kept with his normal pattern he would have gone to get drunk.  I praised him for the good work he had done.  I told him he had already shown he could change his reactions. But today he is alone with his mind.  I am scared, but trying to stay positive.

I am trying to remember to be happy for those little things.  I am trying to remember that one fall is not failure.  I am trying to tell myself I can deal with whatever I find when I get home.

Thank you for sharing about your husband!  I know those little miracles are so great!!!

Good luck to you and your family.

hudsond

Thankyou so much for your post. That is true if they are paying your bills or married to your husband then they really don't know the whole story. That was good to hear. I am a type of person that listen to  everyone else which isn't good. But again thanks for sharing.