Hello, I hope I'm in the right place. My b/f is an alcoholic and I'm trying to deal with it. I'd love to talk with others who are going through the same thing. Thank You.

Cathy

Welcome.  When I first came here I found it's helpful to read the other posts, you will see how similar all our lives are.

Hugs Mary

Thanks Mary. I have been sitting here reading and yes you're right. Our lives ARE similar. I just don't have anybody here close to me who is going through the same thing so I thought I'd look for it online. Thanks again for responding. :)

Cathy

Hi Cathy, glad to meet you!You are in the right place. This board is great. There are also online meetings in the chatroom here. Face to face alanon meetings have been really important to me, too, so I like to recommend them. There is a link at the top of the page that says "Real Alanon Meeting Directory" You can find a face to face meeting in your area by clicking there, or at www.alanon-alateen.org. Welcome! Kristen

you are in the right place!! Welcome.  Check out our link above to the step work board.

josey

 

Cathy, Welcome to our family. Here you will find great strength, wisdom, sometimes silliness, and lots of people who understand what it's like for you. Keep coming back to us. Live strong, Karilynn

Thank you for your responses. All I want is just SOMEBODY that I can talk with.

Cathy

Here is my life........I know that when I come home from work around 6pm my b/f is either drunk or passed out. When him and I met I was just as bad. I had just lost my 16 year old daughter so  him and I were perfect together. Anyway, as time went on I decided I didn't want to live in a drunk world but he still did. I love him dearly, he's a wonderful man, treats me like a queen but yet..........I can't or shoud I say I don't want to deal with the drunkeness. If I could just talk to others who are dealing with the same thing....I'd love it. I've never dealt with this until meeting him. Thank You

Cathy

Cathy,

Glad you are here.  This site provides good support.  Do you attend local meetings?  What "saved" me was attending local meetings and finding (I think they were provided to me) someone I could share my story with. 

Hugs,

Mike

I haven't found a meeting for me yet. Bottom line is I love this guy so much. Not sure how long I can do this. The alcohol makes me hate him. His boss see's him sober more than I do.

Cathy

Cathy,

Boy, I sure know what you mean by the "alcohol makes me hate .......".  I've heard/read it said that one should hate the alcoholism but difficult to separate the two.

Be well,

Mike

Mike, yes it is difficult to separate the two.  One part of me wants him to be here and the other part says NO WAY. Life sucks right now. If it were so easy to give up I guess it wouldn't even matter. It's so hard to love an alcoholic.

Cathy

Hi Cathy, welcome Not sure if you know, but there are meetings in the chatroom at 9a.m. and 9p.m Eastern time. The link is on the left. Come and see us!! Christy

Hello Cathy and welcome. The others have told you about online meetings and the importance of going to Al Anon meetings in your community. I'll play devil's advocate. Right now your choices are clear. Stick with this guy and try to learn how to deal with his alcoholism; or turn your back on it now, and find someone to love who does not pack all this baggage. It is going to be a tough road, Cathy. One which you will not find particularly to your liking. It is a roller coaster of emotion...There are those who will tell you that they are serene and happy whether or not their spouse/friend is drinking. I haven't found that nirvana yet. It is a daily struggle. Think it over carefully my dear. Is this what you really want? I guess if I were you I'd run away from it. I am not advising or attempting to dissuade you. I only want you to be prepared for a bumpy road ahead should you choose to stay with him. With caring and love, Diva

Thanks Diva. This is not new to me. I've been living with this man for over 3 years. A part of me says GET OUT! Another part of me says STICK WITH IT!. I'm just torn right now. He is a wonderful man but yet only thinks of himself right now. Let's get drunk and forget about Cathy. Hell, I'll just get ready to pass out and beat my meat. You get it?

Thanks so much for responding.

Cathy

come into the chat room and talk to us or join the online meetings, it is all really great and you will meet all of us who struggle with the same problems that you do

Hi Cathy just wanted to say hi and welcome.  I live in Australia.  You are in the right place.  One thing that concerns me about your situation is that your own recovery could be jeopardized at some stage.  You were strong enough to get out of the downward spiral but are still essentially living with effects of alcohol in your relationship.  Put yourself first.  Luv Leoxx   

Hi, Cathy,

I am so glad you found this site!  I've found it VERY helpful, if even just to vent. 

You have come to the right place.  Everyone here has had some dealing with an alcoholic/addict at some point in their lives.  I am living with an alcoholic husband who has been sober for 18 months now, thanks to AA.  And I am learning to survive as well as help MYSELF through Alanon.  It's a daily struggle, but I know I have friends to help me through it.  By the way, these friends are all people I've met in face-to-face Alanon or AA meetings, or online here!  I find that attending open AA meetings with my alcoholic helps me to understand the disease better.

Just keep coming back, and sharing - we all care about you!

Kathi

Welcome, Cathy.  These people are wonderful.  I know you will find help and support here, as I do.

Thank you all so much. With anything, it's so nice to talk to others who are also pulling my wagon. The one thing I don't understand about an alcoholic is they can stop drinking for 2 weeks and then they're RIGHT back at it again? I just don't get it.

Cathy

Hi Kathy!

Welcome to you, and good that you are reaching out.  As others have said, use the step board, look for face to face meetings where you live, and attend meetings on line here.  I agree with the concern others expressed about keeping your own sobriety, while you are living with an active alcoholic.  You need to put your sobriety first.  You can't fix your boyfriend, and he has to want to change for himself, and do the work consistently if he is going to stick with it.

My situation is different than many on this board, I am NOT willing to live with an active addict of ANY kind.  It is just too toxic to me.  I lived it for too many years.  I do NOT believe love is supposed to hurt, or that grace is earned by suffering (even though my religion taught that).  There should NOT be an hour of pain for every minute of pleasure in any relationship.  You are not legally tied to this man, and I encourage you to get help for yourself from people outside the situation about weighing the pros and cons of staying in this relationship.  Often we are drawn to active alcoholics and addicts because it feels familiar, not because it is good for us.  Healthy relationships are challenging enough to sustain when both people are sober and working on their own issues.  You CANNOT and WILL NOT have a RECIPROCAL, loving, caring, helathy partnership with an active alcoholic/addict.  If you are willling to settle for crumbs, a relationship with an active alcoholic may be possible.  What will that say about your own self-esteem and self-worth?  Perhaps you are afraid to be alone, and if so, many of us experienced that in the past.  Get stronger yourself and do your own work.  Only then will you begin to believe that you deserve better than to stay with someone incapable of being your equal and partner.  Love is a verb, and it is demonstrated by daily actions.  Watch which way his feet are walking rather than listening to the talk he's talking.  If you have a desire to "help" someone, do it through volunteer work in your community, where you will experience appreciation, pleasure and joy.  Do not waste your time trying to understand an active alcoholic because while they are practicing their addiction, they do not consistently make sense.

Just so that you don't think I am down on all people with addictions, I will tell you I have been married for 7 years to a former addict who works his own recovery program.  When I met him years earlier I did not know about his addiction because it wasn't chemical, and we weren't living together.  When he finally told me, I had to leave the relationship and get help for myself.  He said he would get help but didn't for the next few years.  I ran into him a few years later, and by that time he had gotten into therapy and a 12 step group for himself.  I waited another five years before I married him, and we also got some couple counseling.  Believe me, I was sad to leave the relationship when I did, and he had always treated me well when we were together.  I believed he really did love me, but until he was willing to get help for HIMSELF and DO HIS OWN WORK for himself, I was not going to be with him.  Even in recovery, nobody gets a guarantee they won't relapse.  If I find out my husband relapses, I will not stay, we will go back to square one in the relationship, and he will have to demonstrate solid recovery before I will consider reconciliation.  Life is too short to live with active addiction.  And I didn't marry him to live like a single woman and have a parallel life like many AlAnons do.  It isn't the right choice for me, even though others may chose that.

By the way, our addiction is being addicted to the alcoholic/addict.  Remember, you didn't cause his problems, you can't control or cure them.  Your job is to make yourself as healthy as posssible.  You may also want to check out the adult child section on this website.  It is also good, and can help you see your own issues more clearly.  I like the ALanon section, but you may get the impression from some of the posts that all partners of alcoholics "should" stay with them, hoping they will change.  That is not ALAnon's position, only what some individuals choose for themselves.  Many who choose to stay are influenced by the fact that they have children together (great, teach the kids how to tolerate inappropriate behavior from the alcoholic), and/or the fact that economically they believe they have no options.  That's what my own mother chose, and I can tell you it affected all of her children in profoundly negative ways.  Fortunately, as adults we do not have to make the same choices our parents did.  I have also met many strong women in AlAnon who took charge of their lives, amde a tough decision to leave, and created better lives for themselves and children.  Probably some readers of this post will not like what I've said, and that's OK, I am sharing MY experience, strength, and hope.

Take care of yourself, you deserve it.

RN52 (Lisasmom)

Welcome here. It is good that you made it. Sit back relax, post your feeling. GO to a meeting whether online or a face to face . Everything will get better if u work the program.