I can't sleep-- too much going on. My ex had me in court today to continue to keep the relationship going in anyway possible since our divorce 9 years ago. We have kids, so he uses the kids to get to me... Ok, so I got through that concept, so now he uses any means to bring me into court to financially sabotage me, knowing that I bought my home last summer on the lake, which really pissed him off. Cause when we finally divorced 9 years ago, in which he was forced to divorce me due to a domestic violence incident, he said I'd never make it on my own and no man would want me with two kids... Well, as long as he keeps my children and I going to counseling to keep our strength, he is completely right. Although, I got through the counseling part for my kids and I fine-- thousands of dollars later. I'm now realizing that all of this financial mess I have accumulating has been medical/mental health related to help us get through all the past triggered emotions. Now my daughter chooses to live with him, despite his influence of drinking and whatever else, so I let her go-- she's 17, worked through that one. In the meantime, my son who is with me, rarely talks to his Dad cause he says he isn't dealing with his crap. Ok, so that's his choice. I haven't allowed him over there due to my ex's drinking and driving, as well as drug involvement, which my son understands. We go to court today and he is without a lawyer even, yet gets away with not having to pay me a cent towards what our order states he should pay me. So like I said, here I am thousands of dollars later, a year and a half after I bought my home, in a new job of only 4 months, in which they have began screwing with me in an attempt to make me quit. Good ole' government jobs for ya--- WOW, do I realize the politics involved in that now and so soon I might be jobless because I brought a grievance up on them, my child support ended cause my daughter is now with my ex and I have our son so we are equal with nobody having to pay anyone anything. On top of this, my ex knowing how difficult financially it is for me paying all of our childrens medical/mental health bills, as well as my own-- going to school full-time, while working calls me and continues to harrass me in an attempt to intimidate me. His comments on my answering machine, just as they were when we divorced--- get a life, you have no man, you are this, your are that.... Nothing is ever done to stop it. Additionally, he says that he hopes I have alot of money cause we're going to be in court over and over and over again. Well... he's apparently succeeding at financially sabotaging me. I am exhausted---13 years of the marriage, 9 years afterwards in counselor and counselors offices, school psychologists for the children, Neurologist for my daughter who developed a seizure disorder 5 years back, and attornies fees over and over and over again--- about 15k in 5 years to be exact, not including what he has planned ahead. I feel I'm out of resources, strength, energy and am asking God how much does he feel I can take? I cannot take much more.... I moved 49 times since 1988, most of those times while I was married to my abusive ex. I have done so much to make sure my children have stability since, yet now I'm faced with having to sell my home and move to probably a different area since there isn't much work in this area and I'll be losing my job any time now, despite the greivance filed. They are corrupt and have a history of it according to several others that had left. I could fight, but I have no strength for anything.... So, how much is enough? I've been taking Wellbutrin for my "situational anxiety" diagnosis, as well as PTSD as a result of all this abuse I came from... As long as he is leaving me alone, I am fine, holding A's in school and wokring full-time while being involved with my son-- but he calls on the phone and he manipulates the childrens emotions and I have to just listen and watch it all happen. Nothing ever changes. We talk about not being victims and I must say, that I KNOW more than anyone that we can continue to feel victimized because of not taking initiative to move forward for ourselves away from that role. However, I have pursued my degree, bought my home, took care of my children through medical traumas and so much psychological counseling. Now I face losing my home, my job and for what? Trying so hard? Walking away from a life that was abusive 9 years ago in an attempt to give my children a chance at being successful. The truth I'm seeing is that once in an abusive relationship, it never ends..... Sure, we have our days that are good, but the abuse always surfaces, ESPECIALLY when you have someone who is so angry about your success. I'm starting to feel like Job here--- for those of you who read scripture. I'm tired and can't help or do anymore than I have done for so many years. It destroys me to think of having to disrupt my sons life in this home that I as a parent should provide for him, as he never had stability with his friends-- We've been here 4 years, he's got great friends and their parents have been wonderful helping me through, taking him in at times, fishing with his friend and his Dad. (Since he has a Dad that thinks little of anyone) He is practically getting straight A's and to pull him away from all this is killing me... I had to do this before when his sister got sick 5 years ago. It's not fair to him and every attempt I make to keep pushing and pursuing my education so that I'm financially capable of providing in our home, my ex just escalates the legal process or screws with the kids minds to get to me even more because it creates such financial hardship on me that I see no way out. On top of it to deal with work, which has triggered all of this actually. The unprofessionalism of the Director of my Department, yelling at me without having good cause on a couple of occasions and then telling me I don't have to stay if I continue to "whine" about another individual, who has chosen to delete my notes of the work I perform, as directed by this Director is VERY abusive. I entered a grievance on it, but what good does that do when i cannot even concentrate on work that I need to do-- I am having panic attacks just thinking about going into work to deal with these people. All the memories, emotions, and mental flashbacks are here from 9 years ago, when my marriage was forced to end due to a final domestic violence charge that I had contacted police and he fled and then was forced to divorce me or I'd do all I needed to in enforcing those charges. That's the only way I got the divorce, yet he continues. AND he is even married again-- She calls me to to continually harrass me, name calling and al that crap. I've tried restraining orders, I've tried it all, over and over and over again, yet there is never resolution for me. It's dismissed or thrown out....... I don't understand it and it's enough to make you feel crazy. The harder I try, the more difficult it seems to get-- Makes no sense! All I know is 12 years in a marriage like that and then another 9 out of it STILL dealing with this crap is WAY TOO MUCH for me to handle and I haven't a clue what to do-- I do believe that the last two weeks with this all escalating has led me to have a mental breakdown today and more so right now. I will be contacting my doctor tomorrow because my head is killing me, as I can't even think clearly. The other part of all this that really pisses me off is that I have been taking Wellbutrin since the abuse escalated and my daughter joined in with her Dad. Without it I don't know what I would have done-- definitely a resource God offered me, NO DOUBT! However, I'll go to my doctor tomorrow and he'll suggest a stronger dose or different medication and I don't want to take more or another. This is all due to the abuse I have in my life-- THAT'S IT. So, is it fair for me to have to take all this crap and screw up my chemistry because I have to deal with him. At what point is enough, enough? I suppose like Job, I would ask God that question if I were face to face with Him. How dare I though I suppose, as we are NEVER supposed to question God or why things happen because everything has a purpose-- Well, at this point, I NEED to know the purpose of dealing with all this abuse even though I chose to leave. It's not fair and I'm VERY TIRED. Thanks for listening... :)

-- Edited by sanddie at 00:33, 2005-10-19

-- Edited by sanddie at 00:42, 2005-10-19

hugs to you. you are going through a very tough time right now. i really feel for you. continue to pray to your hp and you are in my prayers as well. in the end it will all work out somehow. just try to escape from your mind for a bit. take a breather, relax. i know its easier said then done, but just pray to hp try to let go of what you can at the moment. best of luck hugs again.(())

You have what I would call a shopping trolley full of issues at the moment.  Just deal with one at a time and let HP do the rest.  Is your workplace aware of the personal issues you are dealing with at the moment?  They may be more sympathetic if they know the true picture.  Look at all the positives you have achieved.  Kids doing well at school, you got a degree, own your home.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You know you should be pretty proud.  Go to the doctor as planned.  Deal with the little things first everything will fall in to place eventually. As for moving hold off on all your major decisions unless your safety is compromised.  Here if you need me.  Luv Leo x

Unfortunately, this is what this entity of government does is try to drive people out by intimidation.  I have such a headache from all this, it feels like my head is literally going to explode-- I can't even see cause my eyes are so puffed up from crying.  I gotta go lay down and put some ice on my eyes. 

Sanddie, You mentioned phone calls and them yelling and harrassing you. There is a solution for that. Either get caller ID and don't answer, or when the yelling starts set a boundary and hang up. Sounds like to me you need a lawyer to take him back to court and make him pay 1/2 of those medical bills. My husband was required to carry insurance on his kids plus pay half of any $$ dental etc. You can't do that now because of the 50/50 situation, but past expenses should be able to be recovered. Christy

good golly sandie......i agree with leo on  "As for moving hold off on all your major decisions unless your safety is compromised."

 

and i also think if this were me???? i think i would throw up my hands....YELL!!! to hp  "i give UP"  and try to take care of the little things...than i would just   "let go...walk away...."  maybe if you release it  from you,   possibly you could find answer.....did you go to court   sans lawyer as well????  maybe if you talked with  "legal aid??"   woman alone with 1 child/ sick/ losng job,  maybe someone could help???????   i think i would hold off doing ANY big thngs till i just  "released it* in my head,  and let  inner HP  guide me..............god i am sorry....prayers comming your way.......rosie

(((Sanddie))) How frustrating for you when the judge won't even hear what is court ordered!! Geez, where is the complaint department for judges? My prayers and thoughts are with you. Christy

It just confirms my faith really-- sounds crazy huh?  But, it specifically says in scripture that only a fool brings another to court.  God wants us to work it out as His children.  However, when you have crazy people in your life who are mean, resentful and want NOTHING more, it's hard to rationalize anything and the truth is obviously twisted.  I got a call from  my previous employer, who is a contract firm and they might have a possible position for me ASAP.  The money is about 10k more annually-- but because it is contract work, I will have no benefits-- this includes health coverage of any type.  :(   I'll have to do what I have to do though.  I either have to choose to stay where I'm at til they fire  me and risk the continued pressure and stress in my life (which is not worth it to me) or choose to have no medical insurance.  Tough call..... but at least I'd keep my house.  That is until my ex hits me with the court papers to start the long custody battle on our son just to make it financially hard for me, as he will NEVER win with him because of his history and all my journals and records of several years.  In addition to, doctors, school staff, psychologists, deputy sheriffs that have witnessed all of this as well.  Although, I see what just happened with paperwork just on medical in a court of law, so maybe none of that will matter either.  In that case, unfortunately, this will be put on my son and he will have to be strong and make this choice.  Which most think he will be strong because he is a straight A student and has chosen NOT TO "deal with his Dad's crap", in his exact words.   I just hope God continues to give him strength through all of this-- it's not fair for him.  He has had a hard childhood with all this, as did my daughter and it isn't their fault.  :(

Sanddie, if I say one thing and one thing only.  You are one very, very strong woman and your faith equally as strong.  Quick life thing:  I was physically assaulted by my ex-husband while 4 months pregnant with a child that doctors told me I may lose in my third trimester due to a birth defect of my uterus. I filed a police report, kicked him out and then my company downsized, I lost my job while pregnant.  My ex eventually left the State,  but not until he harrassed me on the phone, stalked me,  and any other way possible tried to make my pregnancy, the birth of my son, and life miserable for a year, even with a restraining order (worthless).  I understand your grief there.  It took me another year after that to locate him for child support.  In the meantime, I worked three jobs and insisted on breadfeeding so I was pumping like a crazy woman and took my son to work with me every opportunity I had.  I was already in the "let go let God" part of my life so that truly helped. 

However, but, ha ha...I was so tired, and like you, just kept waiting for His plan for my life.  I prayed, and prayed, and prayed until sometimes I turned into screaming, yelling prayers usually while I was in the shower of "God! I cannot take any more! I just can't! Stop this, just stop it!"  Then something else would come along and push me to another edge of strength that I just didn't think I had in me, but I always got through it, whatever it was.  Not always gracefully, not always in a way that I defined as successful, but in God's eyes I was doing it nevertheless. And, over and over again this happened.  Add that my life started with a childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse, well, it just seemed to not have a "turn-a-round" point in my mind.  I KNOW that feeling of 'God's plan/reward for me will only be in eternity.'  Gosh, do I know that feeling.  I resolved to feel that way because my faith in my HP was that strong.  If that is my 'role' on Earth, then I accepted it.  THAT takes strength to even think too!  It means that you do feel strong enough and have enough faith that if God brings you to it, He will get you through it.  Hey, I'll admit I'm strong woman now, for sure.  But then?  I was just going through the motions to somehow get through it all with any amount of energy and faith I could muster, with "why me?" constantly buzzing in my head.

I can honestly say that God's 'gift' to me was my strength to get through another day, whatever it held.  Not only for myself but my son, and equally to not allow my ex to get under my skin through the process.  Everything in your post tells me that you have a lot of strength and lots to endure, but you are doing it!  You are!  The thing that people kept telling me through it all was, "Don't be so hard on yourself and do whatever you can to take care of you."  If it means that you lock the bathroom door and just stand or sit in a steaming shower until the hot water runs out because it feels good, then by all means do it for yourself.  Being a single parent, it is hard to make yourself count and do things for you, but it's important.

I'll end my post here, but I will say this, God's 'plan/reward' for me didn't wait for eternity like I thought it would.  Many, many amazing, wonderful things have happened since then.  It was worth every step I took in strength and in faith, not only for my own life but everyone I have met along the way. 

Respectfully,

Satori