Hi everyone,

These last three days have been particularly tough.  My A has been drinking a lot and has been particularly nasty.  In the past it has always been directed at me, although often in the presence of my kids or directly involving my kids ("don't listen to mom, she's mean" "you can't trust mom" "screw mom", etc.)  Last night, I had to take my cat to the emergency vet.  I took my two littlest ones with me, my 4 year old daughter stayed home.  My A had spent all morning drinking, tearful about his situation, etc.  He was sober when I left.  But, by the time I got back from the vet 1.5 hours later he was completely drunk.  My daughter told me, very excitedly, that dad took her to get an ice cream from the store but of course he took her so he could get his vodka.  I made the mistake of asking where he went (I realize I need to stop doing this - I knew what he did but I just had to confront him and I'm working on this), and he turned viscious on my daughter - said horrible things to her about "ratting him out" how she was going to regret it, how he loved my son but not her she was a traitor etc. etc.  It was ugly and I was there reassuring her and comforting her and trying to keep him from completely getting out of control by asking him to please just go to bed and deal with it tomorrow, she's just a kid, etc.  But, I'm just sick about what she suffered and my role (if I'd only kept my mouth shut...)  I had one kid already asleep in bed, the other two were already in pajamas.  I struggled with should I get them out and leave, but was afraid of what that would provoke too.

Today my A was sorry.  I told him that he cannot be around us anymore if he's been drinking.  But, when my A is drunk he's going to do what he wants to do and there is no reasoning with him or making him do anything.  I just don't feel emotionally strong enough to leave yet - he says he wants to quit, needs my love to help him do it, etc. But, if I'm going to carry out with what I've said I guess I have to be prepared to just leave with the kids no matter what time it is or what they're doing.

How have you enforced boundaries that you won't be talked to abusively or you won't tolerate mistreatment of your kids?  Do I have to leave as my only option?  Thanks for sharing what's worked for you. 

Maggie

Hi Maggie,

I am no expert but I think that boundaries are meant to protect us all. I really think that some A's are waiting for us to set some limits. You know with young kids around it is up to us to protect them. He can always drink in only one room or something like that. Honesty helps with the kids - as much as they can understand. With my A, I told him no computer games in the house. That was small but I felt like I had control over something.

In support,

Nancy

The boundaries you set have to be for you (or your dependants), and need to be something you can and will enforce.  If you are not ready to leave, or to use leaving as the 'consequence' of him not living up to his promises, then please be careful not to do so...    Alcoholics jude us by what we DO, not what we say, and for good reason....

I got unnerved by your post, where you suggested that this was 'your fault for bringing it up, and should have kept your mouth shut'.... The stuff your A said to your kids last night was very typical A "crap", and is totally and 100% NOT your fault.... 

I really do hate this disease.

Tom

I agree with the other posts.  My counselor explained boundries as a fence around your yard and house, with a gate of course.  You would want to keep bad things out and sometimes let things in that will not hurt you, friends, neighbors, or sometimes you may let your A in and then have to send them back out of the fence for a while and shut the gate for the time being.  It was hard for me to start setting boundries with my A.  I am an excellent boundary setter with everyone in my life BUT my husband.....I didn't even know that until about a year ago.  My first boundary I set was that if you need to talk to me or are angry with something you do not need to yell and cuss, if you yell and cuss I will leave the room, if it doesn't stop, then I will leave the house until I feel that you have calmed down.  I stuck to it and it worked!!!!! I wouldn't accept that kind of behavior from friends or family but was allowing my A to act like that towards me.......I started slow, as things come up that bother me, I tell him...some times boundaries change some, at times I compromise, it's not always my way.  I try hard not to use boundaries to control.....search Google for boundries and boundary setting...Good luck...

Hugs Mary

Hi magpie,

Welcome.  What you wrote really hit home for me.  Don't listen to mom she is mean.  My A when drunk used to talk to my kids the same way about me.  4 ,2, infant.  When my four year old got mad at me and said your mean even dad thinks so that was it for me.  I started planning.  I was going to leave but I needed time and a plan.  I started setting aside money.  Checking into welfare, shelters, foodstamps,  How much i made to when then would help out.  I also looked at apartments and schools for the 4year old.  Well my plan was set I was leaving and planning one more fight I was out the door.  Well My A new something was up.  One night he said can you give me more time before i loss my faimly.  I will only stay if you mean it I can leave at any time if you don't.  He started going to meetings  10mos sober today.  I still have my plan if he fells off the wagon.  I will not go though living with an active A again.  Some people can and find peace I can not.  I will not put my kids though that kind of life.  Thats just me.

I sorry have to go baby crying  but I'm here if you need anything

NIKKILOU

Interesting Maggie, I have read your post; and see myself where you are at. Recently, someone said to me 'why do you have higher boundries for your kids than yourself? WHy do YOU tolerate abuse, but when it comes to your kids.....?' Maggie, you ARE worth it! You DO NOT deserve to be mistreated the way you have described. As for your kids, they deserve a mommy with self-esteem, a mommy who can lovingly care for them. Keeping your mouth shut to control his outbursts towards your PRECIOUS 4 yr old is not your problem! HE said those things, he was the one who made this choice. You choose how long you subject you, and your children to this abuse. Like others here have said, you have the choice to accept your A as he is and live with him; or accept him from afar. Where you are at is not healthy, I hope you are attending meetings , and reading al-anon literature. You need to know that his mistreatments are not your fault, nor are you obligated to be the object of them. This is your choice. This is a progressive disease. If the outburst were once at you - they will (and aare) progressing to your children. You need to prepare yourself for change. Consider Nikilou's post. I know how difficult this is.I really do - I am currently in the process. One thing to keep in mind - its YOUR job to protect and raise your kids healthy. Their father has made the choice not to (his disease etc.) so its up to you. Only my opinion---and I am here when you need a friend. The most wonderful thing that I have found about this site is that these roomies really do know how I feel, and they really can offer some great advice, I hope you find the same comfort here. Best wishes ~A~

Hi Maggie,

Not real sure on the boundaries myself as yet but I work in Early Childhood and the environment children are exposed to does have an effect on how they function and perceive things.   Children learn through play, that is work to them.  If you are particularly worried about the emotional effect on your children get your kids to paint how they feel, tell you what they are painting about, have a dress up day at home with old clothes as this gives the children the opportunity to express themselves emotionally.  We are the role models.  You can enforce the boundary of your A taking the kids when he buys alcohol.  You have the right as their Mother to ensure their safety. Last of all your health physically and emotionally is top priority.  If you don't take car of your needs first then you will not be well enough to care for your kids.  Give yourself a break when you can.  Drop the kids at Grandma's, daycare even if it is for a few hours.  You need time for you.  Luv Leo xxx

t

I have really mixed feelings about boundaries right now. I have set them, he has broken them, I've enforced them and it has ended up costing me more. It was very difficult for me to get to the point that I even had the guts to set any boundaries. I've been married to my AH for 24 years and he started drinking after an accident. He has continued to get worse even though he has been getting pysch care for post traumatic stress. He has not been getting good care though so he's continued to get worse. In the last year he has gotten violent and very verbally abusive. Something he was not before all this drinking. I know he isn't in his right mind. What he is today is not the person I married and have known so it makes it hard to set boundaries. People around me don't understand why I keep dealing with him. I tell them they don't understand. In August, my A got very drunk and was the worst I had ever seen him. He got angry with me, knocked me down on the ground and the neighbor saw it and called the sheriff. He was in jail for 11 days. It took him about 5 days to sober up and realize what had really happened. He swore to me that if I would help him get out he would go back to the pysch and do whatever it took to stop this behavior. I told him I would but he had to understand that if I caught him drinking again he had to move out. That was the boundary I set. He agreed so I bonded him out. He willing went back to the psych and asked to be placed in a alcohol treatment center. The dr. REFUSED!! Told us that he wasn't bad enough and he just needed to go to AA. AH started hunting for a different psych. Long story short......Things have not pulled together fast enough. AH got wigged out and started drinking again. I told him he had to move out. He agreed that he would. The next morning I left for work and he was sober. 4 hours later I get a phone call from the sheriff telling me that my AH has threatened the neighbor and locked himself in the house. Another 4 hours later the SWAT team went in after him and completely trashed the house, broke 7 windows and ruined the carpet with gas canisters. Setting my boundary ended up costing me big time. I have a furious landlord and I'm mostly likely going to be given notice. I have no money to move. I don't have the money to fix the windows or carpet. I've been on the phone calling everyone under the sun to try to get some help and can't find any. So I'm bitter right now. I set the boundary but why should I have to pay the price for doing so? I had no control over what he did and how he reacted. I spent all morning on the phone trying to find an attorney for some advice and when I did find one, he told me I was basically screwed. So.....I don't want to scare you from setting boundaries. My own experience is that it really didn't make any difference with my AH. If you do set boundaries you must be willing to accept the consequences that may come from them, good or bad. My advise to you is to make a choice before things get too bad in your situation. It won't get better, no matter how much you want to believe him that it will. He simply cannot live up to his end of the bargain because of the alcohol.