hi guys:

i don't know what to feel anymore i guess i feel numb. i miss my husband very much we spent a couple of hours on sunday together it was so nice. my husband told me he misses me so much. he loves to spend time with me but it hurts to leave. we talk on the phone a couple a times a day but its not enough. he is now living with his mother and she doesn't cook for him. which really upsets me i know he is a big boy but he just got out of detox and has no money..my daughter won't even pick up the phone when he calls she  is very angry its time for al- ateen.

i signed her up for religion last night. she has to go to church every sunday so i said we will all go as a family. i don't think she wants him around i believe she doesn't want to get hurt again  & neither do i. i am so afraid of him screwing up again. he went to work yesterday and the boss& employees and the customers said we are glad to see you back ,we missed you & we are praying for you. but i do have to have faith in him.

wow that was wonderful. he has only been there since may and they gave him a second chance. his boss of 7 and a half years gave him the boot.

my brother is being an butt head he won't even give him a chance & i know where i am is my security and i can't leave. my problem is i don't want to choose between my husband & my daughter i don't think it's fair. my daughter would win hands down. but it would kill me.

i told my daughter ok how would you like it if you could not see or talk to your boyfriend for a week you can only see him for 2 hrs on sunday. she said noooooooooo.i said well how do you think i feel  being away from my husband. i think she understood better. anyway i hope she did.

he is doing real good so far he has been to work going to aa and he said  he is taking it one day at a time.

my daughter is home sick today i just want to crawl in bed and sleep the day away, plus i am on bed rest too.

talk to u you soon. 

thanks for letting me vent

chrissy

Chrissy,

You are on the right path.

It takes more courage to separate than most people know.

My A was just removed two weeks ago.

It is tough but it is what had to be done.

You have to take care of you.

This is the only thing I can do to help my A.

Let go with love.

Be good to yourself.

Take Care

That was a good way to explain to your daughter.  She can understand about not being able to see her boyfriend. GOOD JOB

My "a" has been out of rehab for about 6 months.  It hasn't been a bed of roses, but we are making it.  I am learning to do for myself and take care of my kids better.  I am trying to let him control him (notice I say trying).  It is so scarry when they first get out.  I remember just knowing what to do really.  I was glad for rehab, and I had missed him terribly but I wanted him to stay there because I knew he was safe there.  I knew I could do what I needed to do and didn't have to worry.  I am learning with al-anon that that's what I need to do even with him home!  It's hard--it's hard not to worry, it's hard to see how others treat them--although you see both sides.  Just keep trying to do your best--remember you can only control you, thank your HP for the good days, pray for wisdom and patience and love on the bad ones. (That's what I'm trying)  This is a great place for support.

Good luck to you!

hudsond

thank you

 you guys always make me feel so much better

Yikes Chrissy.... As I read your post, I can "feel my thoughts" going to places that scare me....  I obviously don't know your situation, but have you considered the possibility that your brother/daughter/mother-in-law are NOT being "buttheads" (love that word), but are holding your hubby accountable?  He is a grown man, after all, and for what it's worth, I agree with his mother - I wouldn't make him his meals either, as he is more than capable of doing things for himself.  This also helps with his humility, rather than getting him "expecting" others to do stuff for him all the time.

We can sometimes love someone so much, and want the right things for them so much, that we end up doing stuff that "keeps us both stuck".  I just bring it up as a consideration for you to ponder.

I think we always need to be open to what we are "really teaching" our kids....  I have a friend in Al-Anon, kind of a typical story - she was married to a mean-spirited A, who was decent to her and the kids when he was sober, but really angry and volatile when he was drinking....  He eventually got "dry", but never sober...  She decided to stay, until the kids graduated from high school, for the "good of the family".  Today, she has two wonderful kids, and a particularly good relationship with her college-age daughter.  They were talking the other day, about her decision to stick things out, and said to her daughter that "...I hope you learned about patience, perseverance, and family loyalty...", or something to that effect.  Her daughter replied, very matter-of-factly "... no mom, what you taught me was that it was okay to be treated like crap, disrespected, and to just bury your head in the sand".  That story spoke volumes to me.... we sometimes think we are doing the right things, for the sake of the children, but what are we "really" teaching them?

Food for thought, I hope...

Take care

Tom

  thanks guys

  tom: wow it's amazing you try to do right by your children,  they see you in a totally differentway then  you thought they would. i really wonder what my daughter thinks.

take care chrissy

Hi Chrissy,

Before I start, believe me, I am not judging you. Each of us has to follow our own path. My husband has been in and out of programs over the years. Each time he has made promises and each time he has failed. Over the years my view of his "sobriety" has changed dramatically.

The first few times, we all walked on egg shells, trying not to rock the boat, not to give him an excuse to fall off the wagon. (It took us a long time to realize, that we could not cause this). He has demanded a completely stress and responsibility free life after programs, saying he had to only worry about himself. Not care about the rest of the family's feelings, just his. Considering all the years we have lived with his selfishness and lies and broken promises and tyranny while drunk, tis was a hard pill to swallow, but we tried, and he drank and tried to make it our fault.

He now still drinks and is living with his parents. He has no job, and they do everything for him, cook his meals, clean for him, do his laundry and give him money. He has no responsibility and no dignity, yet he believes he is king of the world.

In the one rehab, they stressed, independance and self reliance. They told him he had to pave his own way. I wish his parents would stop doing everything for him.  He should have to cook for himself and clean up after himself. He should have to work and provide not only for himslef, but for his children. A free ride does no one any good. There is a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction from an honest days work.

Just becasue a person finishes rehab, or finds a program, they are still accountable for the actions of the past. Yes they have to be put in the past, but they have to be dealt with first. I'm sorry, or I won't do it again are shallow words from an alcohalic who has lied so much in the past. Actions speak volumes. As they say walk the walk. It took many years for family to feel the way they do, and it will take time to learn to trust and respect again. If ever, for no one can control anothers feelings.

My children have had it with my husband. They love him, but he has hurt them and let them down, more times than they can remember. They no longer believe his lies, they no longer want his promises. They are in a program, but in order for them to forgive or trust him again, he will have some work to do. I feel bad about it. I am sorry they have turned their backs on him, but he did it, not me. He made the mistakes, he told the lies, he broke the promises and he verbally abused them. He is the one who is accountable for it, and I will not try to mend those fences for him. It is up to him, if he is ever ready. I do remind my children, how sick he is, and that in his way he does love them, but they still hurt.

My job is not to shield them from the truth, but to protect them from the consequenses of his drinking. I am their Mother. They know I love him, they understand that I hope. But they are my first responsibility. If and when he finds recovery, he will need to show them he is seriouse, he will need to work to repair the damage he has done. I will not ask their permission for him to come home, if he does sober up. If the time comes, I will know, and my children know it is my decision. While they will be expected to be polite and civil to him, I will not intrude on their relationship, he will have to make his way home to them, and build a new and hopefully better relationship.

If your husband is truly in recovery, he must understand the damage he has done, and he must know it will take time to heal for all of you, your daughter as well. You do not have to choose, no one has the right to make you choose between a spouse and a child. Use your boundaries, remember you are the adult, and leave his other relationships to him. His drinking was not your fault, and you had no control over it, and his recovery and the relationship he has with other family members is not your concern either. He has to walk that road alone. It is great that he can walk it knowing that he has your love and support.

This is just my opinion, and what I have learned over the years. Please believe I am not minimizing your husbands recovery. It is wonderful that he has taken these steps and I truly hope and pray that he succeeds and things work out well for all of you.

                                 Love Jeannie