Well, after I wrote my post here last night, I decided to give it one more try. I gave him another call. As usual, I got the voicemail and left a message telling him that obviously he really didn't want me to keep in touch, so I won't bother him anymore, I love you..Goodnight. About five minutes later the phone rings, it's him. He had obviously had a few beers as I could tell by his speech. Not drunk but definately had a few. He said he never got the voicemail from the other night and what the hell are text messages and where do you find them on the phone. This is the first time he has ever had a cell phone and is really not too electronics smart to begin with.
Finally I said to him that the time has come for me to have to start making decision about what I need to do with my life and since he has been a part of it for so long, does he have any plans on working on things on his end. Is there ever any hope of a reconciliation or is it time to move on for good. Before we split, I had mentioned that we as a couple go to counseling, of course he was totally against it all the way. He knows that since we split that I am going to counseling and al-anon, that I am trying to get myself where I need to be.
He suggested last night that he go to counseling with me. Sounded like a good idea until I realized that he wanted to go to counseling with me to see what my plans, hopes, and expectations were. To see where and if I had made any progress with my issues and problems. He wanted to sit in on one of my one on one sessions, not as a couple but just to observe!
Well...that did it. I told him that those were my personal sessions and he was not welcome to join in on them since what was discussed there was mine. I told him that maybe he should consider going to his own counseling to deal with his personal issues. That all that had happened to us did not belong to me and me alone and that....Surprise!... he was a part of the split up too. That if he thought he had no issues (which is what he thinks) and his lifestyle and actions did not contribute to our breakup (which is also what he thinks) then maybe he should look around the room he's in for the can of Budweiser he's drinking and consider that an issue on his part. I placed what I owned on my lap and placed what he owns on his lap. I am not responsible for his actions and what he chooses to do with his time. I am responsible for my actions and what I do on my time..period.
I could hear him a bit annoyed at my coming back at him, which I did very calmly to my surprise. I didn't yell and scream like I normally would..I was calm. This site has taught me so much on how to handle these situations calmly as yelling gets you nowhere...it worked! He said since I know more counseling places where we live than he does (I am a Human Services Coordinator) that if I find a place he would be willing to go to couples counseling with me. I asked if he would participate in the sessons or just sit there and he said he would definately participate in them. It's a start I guess. I am not getting my hopes up though as we all know an A's plans and mind can change from second to second. But regardless, I will continue to do what I have to do for me, with or without him.
He said he didn't want to move back home only to have the same stuff happen again and he would have to move again. I told him I agree with that and I wasn't ready to have him back right now anyway, he sounded surprised at my response. Maybe he thought I wanted him back the way he was when he left, I don't know.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know the latest progress (hopefully) on my situation. I think I handled it all pretty good... I think. As always, thank you all for always listening to me and (((((hugs))))) to everyone of you.
hadit
TLC2 said
Oct 18, 2005
Wow! Looks to me like you have come a long way in a short time. Just remember Hon, he isn't 'doing this to you', he has a horrible and baffling disease. A disease that does awful things to your mind and the ones you love.
It's a disease that's bigger than all of us, that's why we're all here. I used to really 'lose it' when my A would start drinking, thinking he was doing it TO me. Even now, I lose it at times when I forget that it is the disease doing it to both of us. It is so overpowering! The disease makes us say and do horrible things to one another when it is in control. That's when the disease is happiest, it likes to destroy eneryone and everything in its path.
The way I think of it is that it's like two different people there in one body. There's the wonderful man I love with all my heart, and there's his evil twin. That's when I say his name backwards eg: Bob Billy instead of Billy Bob.
A few A s can work this on their own, as mine has, but if he is willing to go to counseling with you, that is a big step in the right direction! I think AA is as wonderful a program as Alanon, so maybe he'll even be willing to give that a try too? It's a very difficult disease to overcome, and I guess most have to want to do it for themselves as much as they want to do it for you.
It's a very difficult journey for both of you. Just remember: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Really concentrate on those 3 things. It's not your fault, no matter what "Bob Billy" says.
Stick to your boundaries, don't give in. You have come a long way in being able to talk to him without all the yelling, blaming etc., and I think that really got his attention. Take care of YOU. Praying for you both, Love TLC
canadianguy said
Oct 18, 2005
Nice to hear that you have had some progress, at least within your thoughts around this...
It has been my experience that going to "couples counselling", when the A is still active, is an exercise in futility.... I think it tends to falsely build hopes for us, and typically gives them another place to 'perform'. This is doubly true if you go see a 'regular marriage counselor', (which he will want) as opposed to a counselor trained in addictions....
Take care
Tom
TLC2 said
Oct 18, 2005
Just wanted to add a PS. Something came up and I didn't have time to write any more. Even as I was saying, as in my case," he is a wonderful man with a horrible disease", he can also be just a plain jerk, as my ex., who didn't even drink. Only you know if it's worth trying to salvage the relationship. My ex was more like an A than my A! Take care of YOU, Love TLC
marmare said
Oct 18, 2005
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH you did good!!!!!!! I too have found a calmness when expressing feelings and emotions to my A. I know it is because of the time I use to invest in him is now invested in me. I am growing and am proud of my progress. You will find that the more you invest in you and your program you will feel so good inside. I had to laugh when you said you were calm and it surprised you, I have done that a couple of times, or when he tries to get me off track ....I can stay calm and not get sucked in to his craziness.....Hug yourself and be gentle with yourself.
Good Morning Everyone
Well, after I wrote my post here last night, I decided to give it one more try. I gave him another call. As usual, I got the voicemail and left a message telling him that obviously he really didn't want me to keep in touch, so I won't bother him anymore, I love you..Goodnight. About five minutes later the phone rings, it's him. He had obviously had a few beers as I could tell by his speech. Not drunk but definately had a few. He said he never got the voicemail from the other night and what the hell are text messages and where do you find them on the phone. This is the first time he has ever had a cell phone and is really not too electronics smart to begin with.
Finally I said to him that the time has come for me to have to start making decision about what I need to do with my life and since he has been a part of it for so long, does he have any plans on working on things on his end. Is there ever any hope of a reconciliation or is it time to move on for good. Before we split, I had mentioned that we as a couple go to counseling, of course he was totally against it all the way. He knows that since we split that I am going to counseling and al-anon, that I am trying to get myself where I need to be.
He suggested last night that he go to counseling with me. Sounded like a good idea until I realized that he wanted to go to counseling with me to see what my plans, hopes, and expectations were. To see where and if I had made any progress with my issues and problems. He wanted to sit in on one of my one on one sessions, not as a couple but just to observe!
Well...that did it. I told him that those were my personal sessions and he was not welcome to join in on them since what was discussed there was mine. I told him that maybe he should consider going to his own counseling to deal with his personal issues. That all that had happened to us did not belong to me and me alone and that....Surprise!... he was a part of the split up too. That if he thought he had no issues (which is what he thinks) and his lifestyle and actions did not contribute to our breakup (which is also what he thinks) then maybe he should look around the room he's in for the can of Budweiser he's drinking and consider that an issue on his part. I placed what I owned on my lap and placed what he owns on his lap. I am not responsible for his actions and what he chooses to do with his time. I am responsible for my actions and what I do on my time..period.
I could hear him a bit annoyed at my coming back at him, which I did very calmly to my surprise. I didn't yell and scream like I normally would..I was calm. This site has taught me so much on how to handle these situations calmly as yelling gets you nowhere...it worked! He said since I know more counseling places where we live than he does (I am a Human Services Coordinator) that if I find a place he would be willing to go to couples counseling with me. I asked if he would participate in the sessons or just sit there and he said he would definately participate in them. It's a start I guess. I am not getting my hopes up though as we all know an A's plans and mind can change from second to second. But regardless, I will continue to do what I have to do for me, with or without him.
He said he didn't want to move back home only to have the same stuff happen again and he would have to move again. I told him I agree with that and I wasn't ready to have him back right now anyway, he sounded surprised at my response. Maybe he thought I wanted him back the way he was when he left, I don't know.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know the latest progress (hopefully) on my situation. I think I handled it all pretty good... I think. As always, thank you all for always listening to me and (((((hugs))))) to everyone of you.
hadit
Wow! Looks to me like you have come a long way in a short time. Just remember Hon, he isn't 'doing this to you', he has a horrible and baffling disease. A disease that does awful things to your mind and the ones you love.
It's a disease that's bigger than all of us, that's why we're all here. I used to really 'lose it' when my A would start drinking, thinking he was doing it TO me. Even now, I lose it at times when I forget that it is the disease doing it to both of us. It is so overpowering! The disease makes us say and do horrible things to one another when it is in control. That's when the disease is happiest, it likes to destroy eneryone and everything in its path.
The way I think of it is that it's like two different people there in one body. There's the wonderful man I love with all my heart, and there's his evil twin. That's when I say his name backwards eg: Bob Billy instead of Billy Bob.
A few A s can work this on their own, as mine has, but if he is willing to go to counseling with you, that is a big step in the right direction! I think AA is as wonderful a program as Alanon, so maybe he'll even be willing to give that a try too? It's a very difficult disease to overcome, and I guess most have to want to do it for themselves as much as they want to do it for you.
It's a very difficult journey for both of you. Just remember: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Really concentrate on those 3 things. It's not your fault, no matter what "Bob Billy" says.
Stick to your boundaries, don't give in. You have come a long way in being able to talk to him without all the yelling, blaming etc., and I think that really got his attention. Take care of YOU. Praying for you both, Love TLC
Nice to hear that you have had some progress, at least within your thoughts around this...
It has been my experience that going to "couples counselling", when the A is still active, is an exercise in futility.... I think it tends to falsely build hopes for us, and typically gives them another place to 'perform'. This is doubly true if you go see a 'regular marriage counselor', (which he will want) as opposed to a counselor trained in addictions....
Take care
Tom
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH you did good!!!!!!! I too have found a calmness when expressing feelings and emotions to my A. I know it is because of the time I use to invest in him is now invested in me. I am growing and am proud of my progress. You will find that the more you invest in you and your program you will feel so good inside. I had to laugh when you said you were calm and it surprised you, I have done that a couple of times, or when he tries to get me off track ....I can stay calm and not get sucked in to his craziness.....Hug yourself and be gentle with yourself.
Hugs Mary