So after a total of 10 hours of conversations and compromises my A is back home.  He says that he will drink occasionally (the controlled drinker) and I know that is something I can not control.  However, I had an internal battle that I had to fight.  We talked Friday and then again Saturday.  Yesterday, he called and said he wanted to come home, that he had realized that he has been wrong in his choices for years.  At first I said no, if your drinking, the answer is no.  Then I gave in and said yes.  Ten minutes after I hung up I called him back and told him no again.  He said where is this coming from?  I told him that I was agreeing with him coming home because I felt guilty, that I felt he was manipulating me and I could not agree to something if I didn’t feel comfortable inside with the decision, he was angry of course, but it is his anger, said he was already packing his car.  I told him I would call him later. I knew in my heart that I have to be comfortable with the choices that I make.   

I did my errands, the dump again and the store.  When I got home I called him and told him that my feelings are very real, that I am scared to trust him and what he is telling me.  What is to say that two weeks from now he goes out on a Friday and doesn’t return until Sunday?  He said how you will know if we aren’t together.  I asked what makes this time so different.  He said that this time is different because he is on the verge of losing his wife and family.  I cried and tried to rationalize what we were talking about.  I said I had to think, quite a few times, we would hang up and then we would talk some more.  I prayed, I said the serenity prayer, we talked and then I would do a chore and then we would talk some more.  I told him that I am different, that I have a good support system now, that I know my feelings are important, just as important as anyone else’s feelings. That I can no longer live waiting for things to change, I told him I am not sure he is willing to be a man of his word yet.  Then I told him I would call him later. 

I knew I didn’t want to get back together for the wrong reasons, financial, familiarity, because change is scary.  I knew it had to come from inside.  I prayed some more, I did random readings from my meditation books.  Then I called my mom. I said, Mom, and then the tears came, I told her how confused I am.  She said that I needed to search inside, to ask myself if he deserves one last chance, that she couldn’t tell me what to do that I would have to make that decision, but that I needed to make the decision because I wanted to not because of my friends think.  She said she sees the deep love we have for each other and that her and my father had similar problems.  (I was not yet born)  That if he means what he says then to tell him straight up, this is it.  (She is 82 and just my very best friend) 

So I called him back, I am smart enough to know there is always a honeymoon period when people get back together.  I told him that we will try one more time.  That if January 1st comes and things are not on the mend, then I will be done and he will have to move out. 

Keep us in your prayers.

Hugs Mary

Marmare , it is possible to live with and enjoy  a practicing A , Al-Anon showed me how to do that.  keep your expectations low and accept him just the way he is .  A's drink = it's what they do.I hope u are attending f2f meetings for yourself, we all need support this room is great but not enough. 

I too felt that I owed it to myself and my husb to try it one more time, I gave it a yr working this program and if things hadnt changed than I would leave the marriage.  Things changed alot th o he still continued to drink, i didnt notice it as much anymore and set some boundaries for our relationship and was ok. My husb drank for 2=1/2yrs after I got to this program but in that time I got my life back made new friends and had a life .

I learned to get happy here , his sobriety was a bonus not what made me  happy. the minute i look to someone else to make me happy I am in big trouble. Happiness is an inside job.   mine.

good luck     stay in today and enjoy    Louise

(((Mary))) You are making a very well thought out decision. It sounds like your Mom is a wise and wonderful parent-- just like you are. what a wonderful relationship to have. I believe in hope and that people can grow and change IF THEY WANT TO BAD ENOUGH. Maybe your A has learned something, maybe he hasnt. It sounds as if you've learned a lot--and that will make things different this time--even if only for you and the kids. take care- Jeanne

(((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))) The hardest thing I had to ever do in my relationship was to admit that maybe he will never change. There is hope. I am living with an active drinker/drugger after a 3 year split. With the grace of my higher power, support of my sponsor, and love and peace of the program, I am okay. Just for today I am okay. Keep talking, keep feeling, and make sure you talk to a sponsor regularly! Read, read, read, and keep the focus on you. The best thing I do is not take credit or blame for him and his actions. My expectations are set low, and i have learned to talk serious things in the morning on the way to work, and in the evening on the way home. Other than that, he is under the influence. I am okay with that. I spent many many tear filled nights with God asking him for guidance, and it always came back that my time with my hubby is a worth while investment. I love him dearly!! And am so delighted that we are still together. Just for today, I am good. Luv you, and hold on to the program. Looking forward to hearing some updates! Aron in the Mountains (Captcodee)

I admire your courage. 

 

((((((((Mar)))))))))))

I truly hope everything works out for you, you deserve to be happy. 

Take care and my best wishes to both of you.  You are always in my prayers.

Love Julie

(((((((Mary))))))), I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. I admire your courage to give it another try. I hope it does. May you be at peace with your decision. Follow your heart. Remember to be good to yourself. Live strong, Karilynn

I didn't come to alanon until after my husband had sobered up, but I stumbled upon several alanon principles on my own. After that, we lived together for three years with him active, and things were OK. The changes I had made to myself were just enough to trigger small changes in him, and although it was still sad to see him drifting away, we did not fight, I was not full or anger and pain. You can be happy