I haven't posted here before but have hung out in the chat room from time to time. I really blew it with my AH this last week. He had gotten into more trouble at the end of August and spent 10 days in jail. I had planned on not letting him come back home this time. We talked, I put forth some conditions, he agreed to them so I let him come back. He seemed to be doing fine. He finally got a job, not the greatest but its a job. He acted like he was feeling better and said that he was. His attitude was good and I was feeling better about things. Then BOOM, Wednesday I came home from work and he was drunk. So, I told him he had broken the agreement and he would have to leave. He denied drinking of course but it was more than obvious. I had to go to a meeting that evening and didn't get home until late. He was even more drunk and he was now very angry and started trying argue. I did my best to no argue with him and I just sat there and listened to him blame me for all his problems, etc., etc. The more I didn't engage in the arguements the angrier he got until he started knocking me around. He gave me a black eye and split my upper lip. I was too angry, hurt and tired to call the police. I kew if I just tried to leave he would get more violent. He finally passed out on the couch at about 3:00 am. When morning came he had sobered some and I told him again that he would have to leave. He didn'nt get angry, he just said that if that is what I wanted then he would get his stuff packed up. I told him it was and then I left for work. About 1:30 that afternoon I get a phone call from the sheriff's dept. that my AH threatened the neighbors and had barricaded himself in the house. They ended up with a 4 hour standoff with him before the SWAT team went in and got him. Now I have a house with nearly all the windows busted out and I have no way to pay for it. My landlord is ready to come down on me and kick me out if I don't get them fixed. I don't have the money to move either. I cannot believe how much blame I'm taking when I really didn't do anythng wrong. O.k., so maybe I should not have let him ever come back but how in the world did I know that he would do something to this extreme! He will be in jail now for at least one year, possibly two. It depends on what happens. I'm heartbroke and scared. I wish so badly that I had called the sheriff after he had hit me. I probably wouldn't have all the broken windows and the mess I'm in now. Sorry for the long post. I just needed to vent. I'm pretty scared and confused right now. I'm just numb and I can barely keep myself from crying all the time. I know I would never have gotten through things without going to Al-Anon but this has just leveled me back to zero.

Sasha:

Please don't blame yourself for your A's unexcusable behaviour.  You did what you could under the circumstances.  I felt the need to respond and tell you that you are truly an inspiration.  You set your boundaries and kept with them the next morning even after your a violated you.  You kept your head high, you continued on with your life without letting him change your decisions.  You do know that there are places you can go for help for the physical abuse don't you?  I wish you the best with all and stay strong. 

 

SaschaBear, you cannot allow this violence to go on, and you MUST call the police, if for no other reason than to have an official record of what happened to you. You are living a dangerous life with this man, and I'd get him out as soon as possible. Or I'd get out myself. There is help out there from battered womens' shelters and other programs that are in place to help women in your circumstances. Please don't wait. You could end up dead next time. It happens over and over again. Please, dear one, protect yourself. I will keep you in my prayers. Diva

Sashabear-- You did not Blow it! He did BIG TIME. Unfortunately you are left to pick up the pieces. Like the previous posts say--contact a battered women's shelter asap. they might even be able to direct u to resources to solve the financial problem for now. Not allowing yourself to be injured has to be a boundary for you--respect yourself enough to do this. take care and so sorry to hear you hurting physically and emotionally- Jeanne

(((Sasha))) I wouldn't say you blew it. Yes, you probably should have called the police, but everything is a learning experience. Is it too late to press additional charges? He needs to know that it will never happen again and you won't allow it. About the windows..Your landlord should have insurance, maybe you could offer to pay the deductable if he/she would agree to that. I don't know if you are totally responsible for all damage, depends on your lease, but it's worth a try. Are you attending meetings in your area? If not, I strongly suggest that you do. Read Debilyn's recent post and see where Alanon can get you if you work it. Take care hon, Christy

Please don't blame yourself for the outcome of this situation.  That old "what-if" game can be so dangerous.  WHAT IF you had called the police when he hit you and the situation escalated until he totally lost control with you in the house.  WHAT IF you had not let him come home and he came after you when you were not in a position to defend yourself.  We have no way of knowing what the outcome would have been if we'd chosen a different path.  You did the things you felt were right for you in the situation you were in.  You can't keep blaming yourself because someone else made poor choices.  I am so thankful to HP that you weren't home when he finally lost it.  I am so thankful to HP that he threatened a neighbor that was willing to get involved and call the police.  Please be easy on yourself right now.  You've got a lot that you have to deal with and you need to be very focused on yourself right now.  There's not a one of us here that hasn't gone "back to zero" at least once.  Remember that we all love you here and that we're here for you!

You're in my prayers.

 

Txmom

Thank you all. He won't be coming back this time. He can't get out of jail. With everything they charged him with he as two $25,000 bonds. He's been in trouble before so that won't help him either. He's looking at 1-2 years in jail. It just makes me sick. This is not the man I married and have know for 24 years! We have been best friends for so long and then he changes after getting hurt four years ago. It is awful! My heart is just breaking. I don't have any family, they are all gone. He was my family. So very hard! Most of the resources we have available in this are are in name and face only. If you have a job, any kind of health insurance, etc. they won't help you. I tried the last time this happened and the shelter we have here for battered women wouldn't even let me come for counseling. Told me I had to use my health insurance and go elsewhere because their resources are for those who don't have any. It stinks because it is hard to find an appropriate counselor. The Victim's Assistance Advocates are trying to figure out how to help me with the broken windows but they tell me they doubt that I will get any help from the fund as it is usually reserved for very critical cases and medical costs only. I think the landlord should have insurance. I've wondered that myself. I called the property management place this morning but the lady I talked to was a total witch. She told me it was ultimately my fault that the windows were broken and that I would pay for them. She told me she could send their crews out and get them fixed but I would have to have a cashiers check for the final amount within 48 hours of the repairs or she would start eviction proceedings. It's all so frustrating! I called our local Pro Bono Legal Group and all they will do is help you with the divorce, nothing else. AAAAAARRRRGGGH!!! I think I need an attorney but I just can't afford one! This really stinks! I really appreciate all your kind words. It really helps right now.

(((((((((SashaBear))))))))))))))), No! No! No! You most certainly DID NOT blow it! You were in survival mode. Cut yourself some slack. But please, don't count on the fact that he won't get out. That's what bondsmen are for. If the local shelters won't help, then try the state. I'm sorry I don't know if you are in the US or another country. There has to be something. Look at another county and see if they can help you. Your life will depend on this. I don't mean to sound harsh, but your life is at stake. If you don't get the answers from this place your in, then look for it in another county. Stay safe. Stay strong. Keeping you in our prayers. Live strong, Karilynn

How many windows are broken and what kind? Is is a newer house or? It is way too much to have gone thru this and now to have to be concerned about lsoing your home. Do you know how much it is to fix them? What state are you in? Here in Oregon we have different organizations who would know how to get help. No the landlord probably does not have insurance. In oregon there would be nothing to evict you for, exactly. First you have to give them two weeks to fix the problem then if they don't comply you can go to the court house and file papers to start the eviction,then it takes a week to go to court then, you plead innocent and it goes to a trial before a judge. Since you were not there and did not do it, I don't see how they can evict you. i could be wrong. but ya need windows anyhow. Are you involved with a church? try calling the salvation army. I am wracking my brain here.... can you answer my questions? Maybe call Habitat for Humanity. I know the one here has a store that they sell windows and all kinds of stuff for almost nothing. they may even donate to you becuz of the situation. love,debilyn

I finally got a glass company to come out yesterday and at least measure things. He said it would be a minimum of 3 weeks before they could actually fix them. Another company is supposed to be out tomorrow and they have told me the same thing, 3 weeks before they can fix them. Seems as though all the glass companies here are just overloaded with work. I'm so frustrated! I have talked to the sheriff's deputy in charge of victims assistance and he is looking into things to see if he can figure out a way the dept. can help but he's not optimistic. I can turn the cost of fixing the windows into the Victim's Compensation board but there is no guarantee that they will cover the costs. I was told they may pay some but probably not all of it. This is so hard. I have enough to deal with without worrying about what to do about the windows. I'm going to couseling on Friday. I really need it. I've talked the lady on the phone and she told me I sound like I'm having some post trauma stress. I know I sure can't calm down. Debilynn......There are a total of 7 windows broken. It is a single wide mobile home, older. I have no idea how much it will cost to fix them but I'm told it will be alot. I'm in Colorado. I've been told by a number of people that I will probably have to get an attorney to help me. This is just the worst! Thanks again for all of your concern. I really appreciate it.