Well I guess I have gotten when I want to be. Just thought I would share. My A and i have been thru years of getting our relationship as good as it can be with him having this horrible disease. My part has been Al anon untilit has been a way of life. Also my closeness with hp is most important. At this point he has been living here parts of each week. He is not stuck at his moms as she is so into dementia and overdosing on prescription meds. plus she has crohns. Anyway this time he came up, is on his tinnitis med. Also is on Heroin again. Then he keeps going to the truck and to the bathroom so he is also drinking vodka. I don't stress on it. Just the same as if he kept going to the pump house and cam in with tools. I just see what he is doing. No emotion over it except how sad and sick he is. Of course i see him changing, but not once did I feel a need to say anything. It is not my problem. I love him, I had no desire to argue or point fingers, nothing. I know for sure nothing about this disease is PERSONAL. You guys I would take it that way. Becuz the drugs take him away from me. Why does he want to leave me??? Had zero to do with me. HE is an A. Now i see he wants to be with me at least physically. I go on my way, doing what ever it is i do. Before I would be hurt and try to talk. But not anymore. His body is here, thats all, but thats ok, cuz if that is what i get, then thank you hp!! He broke no boundaries, was not rude. In fact, strangely enough. He wanted to feed, but I already had. He moved gravel around. That is huge!! We are talking shale and huge gravel. Everytime I turned around he was doing something. How he does it on drugs i will never know. I believe someday he will just blow up his heart, or his liver will burst and bleed and that will be that. He was so kind to the animals. Even when my watch pig bit the H out of his leg. oops. Luster is my house pig and protects me and bites everyone but me....oops. Anyway, It is not the "in love" thing it used to be, but yet that is there sometimes. It is a friendship, a deep one, it is a mutual careing. Though he scares me becuz in this condition he is super protective of me. He becomes an extrovert, not the introvert he is clean. Alanon led us here. Besides it helping me, it helps my A. He respects my boundaries, he may not always, but yesterday he did. Today is another day. Taking it as it comes. Ya see now he is sick from the crap he took yesterday, and he is kicking Heroin yet again. HE wants to apply for some jobs. He has been doing temp work. three big companies want to hire him. He wants to do it, must be clean. To be honest, though I would not tell him, I don't believe he can do it. He can no way work fourty hours. HE has hep c, headackes, tinnitis, brain damage from a brain tumor removal and more. But he has to learn that for himself. I am not concerned as it is his path. As usual I have renters from H again. I won't go into detail but as usual I try to be nice and it blows up in my face. i tend to look for the good in people. WEll now I am also looking at the bad. I was so hurt yesterday, my A held me and let me cry and listened. Of course he also wanted to go get into her face and burn down her stupid RV that is NOT suppose to be parked there.....NOT the legal way to handle it... Later he came behind me and just held me and kissed my hair. Just little stuff like that is so enough for me. Plus I love it when I catch him talking to the animals and sneaking them treats.. (c: Becuz i don't yell, argue, be negative, nothing negative, he feels calmer even when using so he has no reason to take it out on the animals by yelling at them. I don't do my old thing of making him feel guilty, crying, etc. Feels so so good to be here. No I don't trust him. His disease makes it impossible. But that does not mean I cannot love him. My hp teaches me what love is, love forgives all things. does not keep account of injury, and more. Right now two people I have known for years on here are with their very, very sick and dieing A's. I respect them so much. They know who they are. I will be where they are, probably sooner than later. I am so glad they stayed on their path, and share it here. They are awesome women, determined, loving, great dignity, loyal, and so much more. hint, S and I....(c: So this morn my A is very, very sick. He told me last night he will be sick. He is in bed, under my feather comforter, with the radio on to sorta drown out the tinnitis that drives him crazy.(this is a high pitch ringing in his head. they think it is from nerve damage. Nothing can be done. I have seen him go thru this too many times. It may kill him. I go and check to see if he is breathing. Thank you for reading this. You guys teach me so much. New ones too. You all say so much, even when you don't know it. Much love,debilyn of Potter's Eden Animal Sanctuary in Oregon

WOW! I give you credit, girl. You have accepted the crazy life you are in with dignity and serenity! It just oozes off your messages. I don't know that I am evolved enough to expect nothing from anyone but myself. I really respect your attitude and responses that you give to others on the board. Your A is so very fortunate to have you in his life--talk aboout unconditional love and forgiveness! take care Debilyn--best wishes on the journey You really seem to understand that no one ever said life would be ez- Jeanne

Debilyn,

I love reading your post.  I find you very inspirational.  I too live with an active A.  I hope to find the peace and serenity that you have living with an A.  Your post always speak compassion and acceptance to me, something that I need to work on.  I work hard everyday to seperate the man from the disease and to remember that his addiction is his business. When you do practice these things it does seem to make living with an A much more mangageable.

Love, Julie

Debilyn, You are one of my true Alanon Idols. I so want to be where you are. I'm getting there and I'm working it everyday. People like you have no idea what a huge part they play in peoples lives. You assure us all that it really is possible to have peace and serenity even if there is a tornado swirling around you. If you can do it, so can I :) Thanks Debilyn U da bomb! Christy

wow you are going to make me cry! thank you for your wonderful words. After I read them, I thanked my hp. I am only giving what has been given to me. I must say I need to edit my posts before i send them!! What a dipstick! lol i often write not instead of now... Well it was neat someone reminded me to do for me. But I am waaaaaaay past that lol. I even have to remember him! lol Never thought about saying how that is a big part of my recovery. When he is here it is no different than when he isn't. I am the same. If he stomps off, which he may someday do, it is no big deal. I just cont. being on the computer, playing with the animals or doing chores, or sweeping the floor for the tenth time. (I have 9 dogs) lol and i love a clean house. I went almost a year not knowing where he was. I learned how to let go. If he drove off right now, I would, without thinking, put it in hps hands. I have NO control. Would no tgive it a second thought.Would not call looking for him, would not go hunting and would not wait for him to call. Believe me it gets to this place when you develop your life with or without them. I am happy most the time. If I'm not, it does not have to do with him at all. day at a time. anyhoo hugs and thank you! love,debilyn