I think my title says it all. I have been working my program for almost 2 years now - and have grown tremendously. Lately I have been learning about 'boundries' . For so long I have been waffling between what is mine, what is his, and what is a wife's duty. All I know is that this awful sick feeling is not normal - I am so tired. How long do I put up with the lies, the inconsistancies, and the 'not knowing'? Maybe I just have too many control issues - I don't know. All I know is that I am wearing down fast, and I have got to think of my children. Lately a friend has been pointing out that my 'loyal, loving' when sober husband, is still the same man who is drunk, beligerant, lying, and just plain 'ole NOT HERE. Am I in love with the idea - or is their still something to hang on to? When do I know when enough is enough? ~A~

Well it is hard to know when a time. Only you can make that decison. I wish some times I knew when to leave and stay. My husband is an active alchohilc, but I love him very much. I have a hard time when he lies to me. But when he is sober he is great to be with. So I guess I will know as well you when the time is right. It is hard to know. I guess you have to go by your gut feelings. That is how I do it.

Try and take some time out for your self. Take a bath spend at least 5 mins to 1hr on yourself and needs. Your worth it.

Angie, what people most want is to be accepted how they are. Your A is all those things. I mean the disease and all its horribleness and he is the nice sobert man too. NO different that if it was a brain tumor making him lie, be selfish and not trustworty. You are tired becuz we either ACCEPT IT OR FIGHT IT. In alanon we learn to accept it as a disease, and love the A. Then we decide, but can I live with it? The reality is hon that even sober, going to AA he may not be the "typical" man or "typical" husband. In reality he is very, very sick, will always be an A. I know this so well. Changed my life so I could live with it. i expect nothing. He does not choose to be sick. I have my own income, home, cheokee, etc. His disease can no longer take my security. I know my marriage will never be a "typical" one. But I accept him as is becuz i love him so very much. But that has changed too. I guess i will post a not today. Much love to you, your a and others. debilyn

When "enough is enough", you will know it is time to take care of you; time to detach from the madness and do what you must to save your sanity, and be a proper "Mom" to your children. Do not misunderstand. I am not suggesting you are not a proper mom now - only that you will come to see that the most important consideration is your happiness and that of your dear children. When "enough is enough", you'll turn the A over to his HP, hope he will get the help he needs and deserves, and go on to live a peaceful life with or without him. With great caring, Diva

It can be very hard to know when enough is enough. I have been struggling with my AH for a couple of years now. 24 years of marriage and only the last two years have been a problem. I know that the awful person he has become is not who he is. It makes it very hard to let go. You want to keep giving them chances and you usuallly do. I've tried to help my AH with every possible medical option for help, counseling, etc. It hasn't done any good. I let things go too long with him and now I'm in a huge mess. I don't know how I'm going to get through it. Looking back on things, I guess that I would say to you that when you starting asking yourself when "enough is enough" then it is. It is time to do something different. I know how tired you are. I've been there. I'm there too. It is heartbreaking to let go of the person you knew and fell in love with. You want to save them, help them get better and the bottom line is we just can't. I cry every day for my AH but I know I have to move on because he won't do what it takes to bring back the man I fell in love with and married and had 22 wonderful years of marriage. You have to make the choice whether you can keep going under the pressure or not.

Hi Angie, When I ask my sponsor about when I will know enough is enough, she says two things: "are you praying about it? " and "You will know when you know." I haven't often had much patience for those words of wisdom. I have been in the program for two years and have also learned a lot. I can also see when I have taken my sponsor's suggestions to heart, I have known when and what to do when the time came. Which isn't to say immediately, but nevertheless I did come to know. I take a little time each day to just "tune in" with myself. In my case most of the time it's in the morning, when I walk the dog. It takes about 20 minutes. I spend about 15 minutes just walking, concentrating on my senses...what I can hear, see, smell. When all the stuff I need to DO starts hammering at my brain I let it go and remind myself to just take in my senses. For the last five minutes of the walk, I pray. I ask my HP to guide me for the day and to help know what i need to know or do. It helps to settle my brain,which is always on think mode. And it also helps me to frame my day around my HP and one day at a time, both of which I can see have helped me when I needed it most. It's no immediate answer to anything, but it helps me a lot. It sounds like you are a very busy person but i hope maybe you can find even a few minutes to relax and pray - it might help to bring you some clarity in time. Hope this helps, Kristen

Angie - I'm sure your friend is "well meaning", but if they are not up to speed in the wonderful world of addictions, etc., I tend to question the value of their input.....  Only YOU know what you know, and see what you see, in your relationship at home....  Others, outside friends, workmates, etc., can't possibly be expected to know the whole story....

I think that we tend to know that "enough is enough" in stages, and as we get healthier in our own recovery programs.  As we get smarter & healthier in our own awareness, we start setting stronger boundaries - for ourselves and for our dependants....  When you question whether perhaps you are being "too controlling", I have to wonder whether that thought came from you, or a seed planted by your A, cuz that sounds like the latter!!  Part of our impetus for seeking help for ourselves, through Al-Anon and other recovery groups, is when we are truly "sick and tired of being sick and tired".  Living around active alcoholism truly is too much for most of us, to live around on our own. 

As long as our boundaries are able to pass our "mirror litnus test", in that they are for OUR healthiness and well being, then we are not being controlling at all.

Just my opinion...

 

Take care

Tom

Angie, Your heart will tell you. Sometimes you have to "Be still and let your heart think." Something my Grandfather would tell me. I never understood it when I was young. But I do now. You will to. For now, just recognize that the feelings are there. Your decision whatever that may be will come when your HP thinks is best. Be good to yourself. Live strong, Karilynn