Two calls were like reasons to call and ask if I made it to the dump okay etc.....then when my A called tonight and asked...are you ready?...."what is it that you want?" I told him that we had talked on Monday and was not going to go through it all again. That for years I am repeating what my needs and wants are and I am sure that he knows. That I love him and want to be with him but not like we have been for the past 4 years. That I no longer will accept being put last, that when somebody loves you it should feel like they love you. He said well, if he controled his drinking....I said well, you have tried that more then once....it doesn't work...he was very quiet...I said Lew if it is up to me, but it's now, I say you quit for now.....I will no longer wait up at night and worry about you.....I am in ways too old for that and in other ways too young....hmmmmmmmmm he wanted to drag up old stuff....but I wouldn't allow that either....ya know he didn't deposit his pay check, I think he thought I would beg him to come home due to the money and bills...but I have been worse off with more kids to feed then I am now.....I found a way to get my truck up and running, with the help of good friends...I did the weekly maitence on the hot tub.....I cancelled things like the paper etc.....I can make it alone...and besides what is the point of being with someone if you are alone and lonely all the time...I am proud of myself....AGAIN......
Hugs Mary
hadit said
Oct 15, 2005
You sound like you did great. Setting boundries on what you will accept and what you won't accept. And as an added bonus, you put the blame of his drinking right back where it belonged..on his plate and not yours.
They seem to be under the impression that we can't make it without them, but why can't they understand that we were on our own even when they were in the next room. We have been making it all by ourselves for a long time.
We all have days where we are not as strong as we would like to be, I have been feeling that way for a few days now, but I have to do what I have to do, and that is turn him and his problems over to my HP..I know in my heart that He will take care of everything.
You deserve a big (((((hug)))))..proud of ya!!
hadit
WakingUp said
Oct 16, 2005
You sound great. I was reading something in Al-Anon Works recently: Lois W's account of Bill's struggles to stop drinking. She said that he checked himself into programs and facilities and tried so hard to stop, only to fail each time. Finally he tried a spiritual program similar to AA that helped him to quit. Since he didn't agree with some of the religious tenets of the program, he developed something similar that became AA. I'm also struck by something I keep hearing in Al-Anon: that the alcoholic struggles desperately to become a social drinker, so that they can be normal like everyone else. To me, these two accounts speak volumes about the terrible disease we're all dealing with.
You are dealing with all this so well, putting your program to work for you. Stay strong.
kitty said
Oct 16, 2005
Mary (((hugs)))
"I told him that we had talked on Monday and was not going to go through it all again. That for years I am repeating what my needs and wants are and I am sure that he knows. That I love him..." <-- You hit the nail right on the head, you've reached your limit, had enough & established a boundary & stuck to it. They need us so much more than we need them. They are lost Souls & prayer is all about all we really can do effectively for them, otherwise we are robbing our own lives. We all must save ourselves. Besides, as I have recently learned they just resent us even more for trying to help them. Then we get abused up one side & down the other!
"That I no longer will accept being put last, that when somebody loves you it should feel like they love you."
I have heard & seen this in this room so much lately & it is the truth, LOVE is a verb, a word of action. It is a force, a feeling and it has to be a two way street, not one person sucking the love & life out of another to feed their sick needs. I believe this disease has taught us so much about what love is, because we have SO much love to give! And surely going through 'these tests' means the Universe/god/HP has so much more wonderful things in store for us.
Love when it is reflected - is exponential, I am only just beginning to expereince this within myself recently (as I have put everyone else before me) but learning to love myself is starting to work, I know baby steps, progress not perfection, setting those boundaries give us so much strength.
I am learning how to protect myself & it is obvious that you are too!
God Bless, love, -k
cdb said
Oct 16, 2005
Hello marmare,
What great progress you are making and what great posts you recieved! I learn so much here on the message board. The posts get me into some deep thinking about my life too. cdb
Karilynn said
Oct 16, 2005
(((((((((Mary))))))))))))),
You sound so much better today. You should be proud of yourself. We're proud of you.
You go girl! Keep stetting your boundaries and moving foward. It's how we get stronger and better. Hadit is right about us doing it on our own. I never thought about it that way before. The fact that they were physically present is about the only difference. We were figuring this stuff out while they were with us. Such smart people here on this board.
Keep being good to yourself. You deserve it.
Live strong (you already are),
Karilynn
Jeannie said
Oct 16, 2005
((((Mary)))
You sound great. You should be proud of yourself, you stood up to this disease and kept standing.
Keep up the great work, you are stronger than you think you are. We all are.
Two calls were like reasons to call and ask if I made it to the dump okay etc.....then when my A called tonight and asked...are you ready?...."what is it that you want?" I told him that we had talked on Monday and was not going to go through it all again. That for years I am repeating what my needs and wants are and I am sure that he knows. That I love him and want to be with him but not like we have been for the past 4 years. That I no longer will accept being put last, that when somebody loves you it should feel like they love you. He said well, if he controled his drinking....I said well, you have tried that more then once....it doesn't work...he was very quiet...I said Lew if it is up to me, but it's now, I say you quit for now.....I will no longer wait up at night and worry about you.....I am in ways too old for that and in other ways too young....hmmmmmmmmm he wanted to drag up old stuff....but I wouldn't allow that either....ya know he didn't deposit his pay check, I think he thought I would beg him to come home due to the money and bills...but I have been worse off with more kids to feed then I am now.....I found a way to get my truck up and running, with the help of good friends...I did the weekly maitence on the hot tub.....I cancelled things like the paper etc.....I can make it alone...and besides what is the point of being with someone if you are alone and lonely all the time...I am proud of myself....AGAIN......
Hugs Mary
You sound like you did great. Setting boundries on what you will accept and what you won't accept. And as an added bonus, you put the blame of his drinking right back where it belonged..on his plate and not yours.
They seem to be under the impression that we can't make it without them, but why can't they understand that we were on our own even when they were in the next room. We have been making it all by ourselves for a long time.
We all have days where we are not as strong as we would like to be, I have been feeling that way for a few days now, but I have to do what I have to do, and that is turn him and his problems over to my HP..I know in my heart that He will take care of everything.
You deserve a big (((((hug)))))..proud of ya!!
hadit
You sound great. I was reading something in Al-Anon Works recently: Lois W's account of Bill's struggles to stop drinking. She said that he checked himself into programs and facilities and tried so hard to stop, only to fail each time. Finally he tried a spiritual program similar to AA that helped him to quit. Since he didn't agree with some of the religious tenets of the program, he developed something similar that became AA. I'm also struck by something I keep hearing in Al-Anon: that the alcoholic struggles desperately to become a social drinker, so that they can be normal like everyone else. To me, these two accounts speak volumes about the terrible disease we're all dealing with.
You are dealing with all this so well, putting your program to work for you. Stay strong.
Mary (((hugs)))
"I told him that we had talked on Monday and was not going to go through it all again. That for years I am repeating what my needs and wants are and I am sure that he knows. That I love him..." <-- You hit the nail right on the head, you've reached your limit, had enough & established a boundary & stuck to it. They need us so much more than we need them. They are lost Souls & prayer is all about all we really can do effectively for them, otherwise we are robbing our own lives. We all must save ourselves. Besides, as I have recently learned they just resent us even more for trying to help them. Then we get abused up one side & down the other!
"That I no longer will accept being put last, that when somebody loves you it should feel like they love you."
I have heard & seen this in this room so much lately & it is the truth, LOVE is a verb, a word of action. It is a force, a feeling and it has to be a two way street, not one person sucking the love & life out of another to feed their sick needs. I believe this disease has taught us so much about what love is, because we have SO much love to give! And surely going through 'these tests' means the Universe/god/HP has so much more wonderful things in store for us.
Love when it is reflected - is exponential, I am only just beginning to expereince this within myself recently (as I have put everyone else before me) but learning to love myself is starting to work, I know baby steps, progress not perfection, setting those boundaries give us so much strength.
I am learning how to protect myself & it is obvious that you are too!
God Bless, love, -k
Hello marmare,
What great progress you are making and what great posts you recieved! I learn so much here on the message board. The posts get me into some deep thinking about my life too. cdb
((((Mary)))
You sound great. You should be proud of yourself, you stood up to this disease and kept standing.
Keep up the great work, you are stronger than you think you are. We all are.
Love Jeannie