Hi everyone, it's me again. Usually I write posts here about how mad my "a" makes me, how he doesn't keep his word, etc, etc.

Tonight I just want you all to know that I am really miserable not seeing him, not hearing his voice, not having him to hug.  I really miss him so much.  I have days that are so-so, none of them are without thoughts of him, of us and what we were.  Some days are more realistic than others and I know that he has a disease that he isn't in control of at the moment and may never be in control of.  But it's still hard every day.  Even when I am with people at work, or where ever I may happen to be, he's there in my thoughts.  I don't aways want him there, he just is. 

I speak with him on the phone sometimes.  Sometimes he has had a few drinks and other times he is fine. I get off the phone quickly when he's been drinking, I can do that now.  It's my choice now if I want to allow myself to have to listen to something that I don't like and I choose not to.  When he isn't drinking or at least doesn't sound as if he's had any, we talk about normal stuff. He tells me that he still loves me, he tells me not to write us off as over yet. He also tells me bits and pieces of what I was doing whan we were together that made things worse and I tell him my feelings as well.  We almost seem to communicate and understand each other, but we also I think tend to limit what we say..to hold back.  Even just communicating our feelings to each other in a normal tone of voice is a vast improvement over how it was when we were under the same roof. Thses are baby steps I suppose, small but necessary. 

We have been apart for a total of 38 days, these have been the longest, most emotional days I've had in years.  I am really trying to hold it all together, I am trying to "Let Go and Let God", I am praying to my HP every day, morning and night.  I know that both of our paths are out of my control, they are in the hands of God. Someone told me yesterday that I should picture him wrapped in a blanket, like a child I suppose would be wrapped and imagine myself handing him over to my God..give up my control over trying to fix the situation and allow my HP to do his work that he does so well.  When I spoke with my "a" last night on the phone, I asked him if he were ever to buy a blanket for himself what color would it be?   I told him he just couldn't ask why I wanted to know. He of course had to make it difficult and pick multicolor.  But multicolor or not, when I talk to my HP tonight before going to sleep, I will hand him over in the blanket.

When I spoke with my Grandson last night who is 4 years old, he wanted me to come over to his house and play.  I told him that I didn't have my car last night.  He said "why can't you use Grandpa's truck to come over and play?" I told him Grandpa isn't here anymore.  To think that is one thing but to hear those words come out of my mouth is another.  It hurts.  It's reality. And he didn't understand, but he misses Grandpa too.

As I sit here typing this, I am crying.  I just want us both to get better and I don't know how anymore.  All of you on the board here are the only people who understand what it all feels like.  You all know the anger and the hurt.  When I speak to my children, especially my daughters they tell me that it will get better and that I don't deserve his drinking and all that goes with it. I know that they are for me all the way, they love him but they are my children not his.  I raised them as a single mom and was their Mother and Father. They will fight for me to the ends of the earth, just as I would for them.  They want me to be happy and right now they only see hurt.

I do apologize for rambling on and on, but right at this very point in my life, you are my only circle of friends. I never really did associate with many people, I know a million of them, but am basically more of a family person than a socializer.  And since he and I split up, I don't really deal with anyone on a personal level other than my children, I am more into myself than ever. I keep to myself, I guess I have gone into some type of protective shell or something.

Anyway, I don't really know where I am going with all of this, I just knew I needed to let it all out (or at least a part of it).  Thank you all so much for all you've done for me these past few weeks. ((((((hugs)))))) to you all.

hadit

 

Wanted to send ya a hug. I relate to your pain so much. Feel it all out, the more you do this and the more you get into the alanon skills, meetings, venting the sooner you will heal. We never know what the future brings. I never, ever thought my A and i would be where we are now. He is even doing his best not to cuss around me! he is giving to the relationship and he is showing affection. It is not what most would call normal, but I love him so much, always have and I accept him as is, and honestly love him as is. Drunk sober using other drugs, quiet talkative, whatever. I do have boundaries too. oh hon i know the grandson thing. My A and I used to have ours over allll the time. He and Grampa would hide under a blanket from the dog and the dog would chew on them. All I know is, today was a good day. I am very impressed with your posting. It takes courage to share and vent. I have seen so many people come and go on here. But I love seeing ones who stick it out and begin really healing thru the pain. I promise it will make you a better person, and miracles do happen. love,debilyn

((((((((((((hadit)))))))))))

The loneliness is so hard. Even knowing it is a disease the uncertainty and the hurt is still there. Your post showed how strong you are getting and how compassionate and loving you are.

It is horrible that this disease keeps them from being a parent. My husband gets so mad that the kids are always as he puts it on my side. They look out for me, but I too have been a single parent for all purposes. They have never been able to depend on Dad, and they know it.

Keep working your program and keep thinking about those blankets. Make yours an extra soft and cuddly one.

                                                                    Love Jeannie

I am glad that you too belong to the crying club tonight.  I have cried tonight on and off for 4 hours.  It's okay because I know I need to feel these feelings.  Hang in there.  I am only on day 14 without my A.  It's so hard.

Hugs Mary

Hi just wanted you to know you are never lonely with us here.  Maybe physically but we are always with you spiritually. Wish I could give you a hug.  I have noticed everyone is a bit emotional at the moment it is the Full Moon guys.  Don't ever underestimate it.  Two days either side of it will affect you emotionally.  Let it all out a new moon coming up soon which signifies new beginnings.  Every negative has a positive.  Luv Leo  

(((((((Hadit))))), Wrapping you in hugs. Loving an A is so hard. But we find a way to do it. Sometimes the only way both of you can get better, is to do it separately. My A and I made that decision in April. Coming home to an empty house is hard. It gets easier as time passes. It doesn't mean that you've stopped loving them. But in order to get better we both had to do this. I have found great comfort with my cat. My A insisted that we get one, because he knew that I would be alone. He was right. Obviously it doesn't take the place of my A, but it helps having someone love you unconditionally. Makes the house less lonely. Hang in there. Soon you learn the difference between lonliness and serenity. Serenity will overcome the lonliness. Wishing you peace and strength. Live strong, Karilynn

(((((((((hadit))))))))))),

Your share touched me to my core.  I felt the honest, heartfelt love you share of your A.  Here's a non-CAL approved share from the language of letting go.  I hope it helps you as you continue your journey.

Maria123

Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery

 

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

 

Picture a bridge.  On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark.  We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain.  Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain.  Some drank; some used other drugs.  Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior.  Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain.  Many of us did both:  We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people.  We did not know there was a bridge.  We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

 

Then, some of us got lucky.  Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time.  We saw the bridge.  People told us what was on the other side:  Warmth, light, and healing from our pain.  We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.

 

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen.  They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe.  They were not ready for the journey.  We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward.   The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real.  There was light, warmth, healing and love.  The other side was a better place.

 

But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side.  Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done.  No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge.  Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right.  Some will come; some will stay on the other side.  The choice is not ours.

 

We can love them.  We can wave to them.  We can holler back and forth.  We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us.  But we cannot make them come over with us.

 

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty.  It is where we are meant to be.  We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.

 

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place.  And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

 

Today’s reminder:  I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing.  I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that.  I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed.  I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.

 

Hope you are getting to face to face meetings - an online hug is good, but a real life one is GREAT.

Hi

I would like to ask to take care of your self for a least 5 minutues to 1 hr. Take a nice hot bath. Listen to some music. Take some time in your head to think about what you want.