Tonight my husband is going to his friend's house to play guitar. The last time he went to this friend's house, he ended up high and drunk, went to a gay bar and got his car stolen. (now do you see why I'm a bit freaked out?)
He has not used marijuana for the past 6 weeks and has been really doing fantastic. We have been going to marriage counselling and everything has been very cool. BUT I am feeling uneasy about his plans for tonight. I know that his friend has weed and using is a "tradition" with them. I know that he might smoke and he might not----I just am afraid that if he slips it will start the rollercoaster all over again.
We have discussed this at length. I don't want to tell him not to go there--I don't think it is my right or my place. I realize that my H is testing his sobriety by going there--but also legitimately wants to jam with his friends, too. He has proven to himself that he can break the Sex-Drugs-Rock'n'roll cycle----but it is so easy to fall back to.
I am scared. We have come soooo far these past 2 months. I just can't pretend that this is not on my mind, because it is. I don't want to say that the past will predict future behavior--but it could.
Jeanne
nycbt said
Oct 14, 2005
Hi I am having the same problem. Only for me though my husband has gone back to drinking, but hasn't that I know went back to using drugs. There is also a friend when we first meet he was smoking pot and his wife was doing some other illeagy drugs. I thought they were friends of mine but they turn out not to be. Now he wants to hang with them again which makes me nervous because I think he is going to start smoking pot again and then it will be different drugs and i don't know if I am ready for that either.
Christy said
Oct 14, 2005
Since you can't control it, you may as well hand it over to your HP. It would be the only reasonable way to get through it for me. HP knows better then all of us what the plan is. I sometimes forget that my A is on his own life journey and has his own HP.
Who am I to get in the way?
Christy
hudsond said
Oct 14, 2005
I know exactly what you mean. My "A" has gone without alcohol or drug for 6 days. We have had a really good week, but today is pay day. I know he was going to keep some of the money for himself because he told he was--he has to go get something out of the pawn shop (that he pawned to get high). My "a" means well, I really believe that he does, but when he gets around his old buddies the demon comes alive--he can't help it. I stopped telling him he can't go, because all I was doing was saying the words-in reality he could do whatever he wanted and I couldn't and still can't stop him. That for me is one of the hardest things!!
Especially when he acknowledges that he can't make decisions for himself rationally--why won't he let me make the decisions. I know in reality this is not my job! Only he can make his decisions.
I wish you good luck this weekend. I pray that you (and I for that matter) can just deal with the outcome of things. Just try to take care of you--for that's all we really can do!
hudsond
KathyS said
Oct 14, 2005
gknee wrote: I just can't pretend that this is not on my mind, because it is.
****Hard as it may be to accept, it's not your business. It's his. You can pretend it's your business if you choose to, but you have absolutley no control over (1) If your husband spends time with these people or (2) If he ends up using.
I used to drive myself crazy over situations like this. There was a point in time a while back where my husband had 6 months clean time from his drug of choice (cocaine). He decided to hang out with old friends who still used, and he ended up using. I could have easily blamed his friends, which at the time I did. But as I got stronger in my program and really listened to what my sponsor told me it became crystal clear to me.
Either my husband was DONE using or he WASN'T. It was simple as that. Either God had removed his obsession to use or He hadn't. The saying watch their feet comes into play here. You said you both have had lengthy talks over this, that's great. However, if his feet are taking him to a friends who still uses, chances are extremely high regardless of what your husband may say, he isn't done.
*Testing* ones sobriety isn't nothing more than addict talk. If you are truley done using, than you no longer choose to associate with people that still use. He could find new friends to jam with, more than likely even in his AA group.
Don't set yourself up for a huge resentment and alot of hurt by expecting him not to use. Give it over to your HP. You can't control this situation. Pray the serenity prayer. Focus on you. Keep busy. Call your sponsor and go to an extra f2f meeting. Those are the things that will help you retain your serenity, instead of worrying about something that you have no ability to change.
she123 said
Oct 14, 2005
Of course you are nervous and worried. But it's back to Step 1 isn't it. Admitting we are powerless. You have absolutely no control over this. Let him go. Hand him over to his HP. You said you think he may be testing his sobriety. Then give him credit for that. Encourage him to stay strong. Tell him you respect him for taking responsibility for his actions.
But, now then, let's get round to a really important issue. What are you going to do for yourself this evening Jeanne? Are you going to sit around fretting, projecting, watching the clock, and waiting for him to come home? Or are you going to make the most of the hours when he is out? Do something lovely for yourself. I spent too many hours waiting and worrying. Too many wasted hours.
I shall be thinking of you this evening Jeanne. Take care of you, with love, Sheila
Karilynn said
Oct 14, 2005
Hi there,
The best and hardest advice I got here was: Let Go and Let God. I know those feelings of trepidation so well. But there's nothing we can do about it. I can't control what my A is going to do. That's scary!
Just try and stay focused on you. Maybe you can go to a meeting or get together with friends. Occupy your time so that you're not focusing on what he might or might not be doing. Say the Serenty prayer. I keep a worry stone with me so when I get really uptight I can focus on that. It helps. Hope all goes well.
Live strong,
Karilynn
canadianguy said
Oct 14, 2005
Jeanne... it is completely understandable that you are scared of this situation, but the facts are - if he is gonna use, he will use. Regardless of if he goes into this environment with this friend or not. Sure, it isn't a recommended strategy for somebody new in recovery to go to "high risk" places like this one, but it really isn't any different than the drinking/not drinking stuff - we really cannot control the outcomes.
He knows his sobriety is at stake.
Take care
Tom
leo said
Oct 15, 2005
Jeanne you are such a giving person to others I hope we can give something back to you. At the moment you are nervous about tonight which is not unreasonable. Your focus is on your A's night out. Try to turn it around to your night in. I just had a perfect example of myself trying to control things and let it go to HP. My son who is 17 was flying home from another country town on a really early flight. I knew he would go out drinking with his mates and probably have a big night. I stressed a bit over it and then said "Okay if he misses the plane you can't control it or fix it" I had already worked out in my head that if he rang to say he didn't make it I was going to reply "That is your problem you need to deal with it. I actually surrendered to Hp first and said "Please give him responsibility ". The result he caught the plane on time I didn't even ring this morning to check up on him and he was home when I returned from the shops. It takes a huge effort when we are so used to behaving in a particular way. You can do it. Luv Leo
I know exactly what you mean. My "A" has gone without alcohol or drug for 6 days. We have had a really good week, but today is pay day. I know he was going to keep some of the money for himself because he told he was--he has to go get something out of the pawn shop (that he pawned to get high). My "a" means well, I really believe that he does, but when he gets around his old buddies the demon comes alive--he can't help it. I stopped telling him he can't go, because all I was doing was saying the words-in reality he could do whatever he wanted and I couldn't and still can't stop him. That for me is one of the hardest things!!
Especially when he acknowledges that he can't make decisions for himself rationally--why won't he let me make the decisions. I know in reality this is not my job! Only he can make his decisions.
I wish you good luck this weekend. I pray that you (and I for that matter) can just deal with the outcome of things. Just try to take care of you--for that's all we really can do!
hudsond
****Hard as it may be to accept, it's not your business. It's his. You can pretend it's your business if you choose to, but you have absolutley no control over (1) If your husband spends time with these people or (2) If he ends up using.
I used to drive myself crazy over situations like this. There was a point in time a while back where my husband had 6 months clean time from his drug of choice (cocaine). He decided to hang out with old friends who still used, and he ended up using. I could have easily blamed his friends, which at the time I did. But as I got stronger in my program and really listened to what my sponsor told me it became crystal clear to me.
Either my husband was DONE using or he WASN'T. It was simple as that. Either God had removed his obsession to use or He hadn't. The saying watch their feet comes into play here. You said you both have had lengthy talks over this, that's great. However, if his feet are taking him to a friends who still uses, chances are extremely high regardless of what your husband may say, he isn't done.
*Testing* ones sobriety isn't nothing more than addict talk. If you are truley done using, than you no longer choose to associate with people that still use. He could find new friends to jam with, more than likely even in his AA group.
Don't set yourself up for a huge resentment and alot of hurt by expecting him not to use. Give it over to your HP. You can't control this situation. Pray the serenity prayer. Focus on you. Keep busy. Call your sponsor and go to an extra f2f meeting. Those are the things that will help you retain your serenity, instead of worrying about something that you have no ability to change.
Of course you are nervous and worried. But it's back to Step 1 isn't it. Admitting we are powerless. You have absolutely no control over this. Let him go. Hand him over to his HP. You said you think he may be testing his sobriety. Then give him credit for that. Encourage him to stay strong. Tell him you respect him for taking responsibility for his actions.
But, now then, let's get round to a really important issue. What are you going to do for yourself this evening Jeanne? Are you going to sit around fretting, projecting, watching the clock, and waiting for him to come home? Or are you going to make the most of the hours when he is out? Do something lovely for yourself. I spent too many hours waiting and worrying. Too many wasted hours.
I shall be thinking of you this evening Jeanne. Take care of you, with love, Sheila
Jeanne... it is completely understandable that you are scared of this situation, but the facts are - if he is gonna use, he will use. Regardless of if he goes into this environment with this friend or not. Sure, it isn't a recommended strategy for somebody new in recovery to go to "high risk" places like this one, but it really isn't any different than the drinking/not drinking stuff - we really cannot control the outcomes.
He knows his sobriety is at stake.
Take care
Tom