Hi roomies,
I was having dinner the other night with friends. A question arose and we were all stumped by it.
We all know that people who haven't been through this can come up with some interesting pespectives to say the least. One of my friends has choosen to live with an active A. Another friend of her (whom I don't know) accused her of turning the other cheek. Letting him get away with murder if you will. She said that's not what she's doing. Her friend replied: What's the difference?
Another friend's son is very active with both drugs and alcohol. He's of age and no longer lives with his parents. People are accusing her of turning her back on her only son. This clearly hurts her. We have yet to come up with a good response to such uncouth people.
Help me out here, how to you explain to people the choices you have made? Personally for me, I don't explain it to people who have no right to ask or judge. But my other friends seem to have the need to. So I could use some feedback for them. By the way I can't refer them to this site as they have no desire to use a computer! The local Al-Anon meetings they can't get to because of the distance.
Thanks for your help. I look foward to your insights and suggestions.
Live strong,
Karilynn
leo said
Oct 14, 2005
Hi Karilynn I was in this very situation about a week ago do you remember my post? I think it depends on the person you are dealing with making the statement and whether you feel overwhelmed by them saying it in the first place. All of the replies I got were great and most said you don't have to tell anybody anything if you don't want to. For me it was a vulnerability with a person I knew to be judgemental. It is a gut instinct thing as well. Deep down I know who I want to trust and confide in and who I don't. At the end of the day if I lose their friendship because of my association with an A they chose that path. I would say to your friends trust their intuition and only confide if they feel comfortable with it.
gknee said
Oct 14, 2005
I honestly don't think you can. One on one with people, you can share pieces of this collective wisdom---but it is hard to articulate. Everyone has a strong vocal opinion about what they would or would not tolerate in a relationship, with their kids, etc. Until it happens to them! I think most of us have been humbled by the experience of our lives with A/drug abusers and are more open to the struggle. We also realize that there is no one right answer.
Good luck holding on to your serenity amidst the cynics-
Jeanne
Christy said
Oct 14, 2005
Karilynn,
I think justifying actions go back to "people pleasing". No one wants to say the wrong thing and be condemned.
I think the best answer I've heard (and used) so far is "What you think of me is none of my business".
Christy
KathyS said
Oct 14, 2005
If someone were to accuse me of turning the other cheek, or deserting an addicted loved one I would try to explain it to them like this:
I had the same misconception until I became involved in the Al Anon program. It's a wonderful support group of family and friends of alcoholics/addicts and it showed me all the ways I was hurting my loved one everytime I thought I was helping him.
For the friend who's accussing of turning the other cheek I'd go on to explain that I've learned I have no control over someone elses drinking and drug use and I've learned how to put the focus back on myself where it belongs anyway.
For the friend accusing of deserting my loved one I'd go on to explain that I've learned how to detach with love in order to save my sanity as well as not hurt my addicted loved one by enabling them.
Noone should feel they have to explain themselves, but if for whatever reason you choose to, than I would simply explain the program and what it's done for me. A little before and after type explanation. Then....they can *take what they like and leave the rest*.
Karilynn said
Oct 14, 2005
Hi roomies,
Thanks for the input. I will pass these suggestions along to my friends. I know it's frustrating for them. When I hear them tell me these things, it makes me so mad I just want to spit. (That's pretty made for me! )
I love my friends dearly, and for whatever the reason they need to explain themselves to others. That's fine. I love them for who they are. But I hope for the day when then can just say to these insensitive fools: "None of your business."
Keep the suggestions coming. The more input they have, the better off they are.
Live strong,
Karilynn
captcodee said
Oct 14, 2005
You know how I do it Karilynn? I tell people that the only person i have to answer to for my actions is GOD. I live with an active A, in fact, I was seperated from him for 3 years, and got back together with him, and he is still active. My family and friends don't understand, and I can't expect them to. All I can do is lead by example, and have faith that I am doing the right thing.
Hope that helps
Aron in the Mountains (Captcodee)
Flora123 said
Oct 14, 2005
Dear Karilyn,
Part of the sickness, for me, was the pretence. I hid things (so I thought), denied my daughter had a problem ( though she got carried home drunk one or two times, pulled her into house, hoped neighbours had not seen, lol).
Now, I have been in alanon nearly 5 years, have come up against situations, like, met people I know, been in PI situations, asked for explanation. I am so glad that I have a wonderful sponsor, who helps me to diffuse things. My first time at f2f, director of education opened door for me. "is this Alanon" - no this is the chess club - was in wrong room!!!!
Now, I am more candid - the strange thing is, people confide in me -people who know nothing of my alanon connections. So, I just think you have to be true to yourself, do not betray anonymity of your A, if someone wants to ask something of you - I think it because they have a problem. You can turn that around, how can you help? In your experience..... naming no names......
I think, Karilyn, that you have found some recovery, and that others see that in you, that is why they ask these searching questions. Be glad for that. You can give them a little bit of the alanon program without divulging your innermost thoughts lol.
You sound good to me! Worth listening to -that is why they are asking.....
Lots of love,
Flora
xxxx
Kim said
Oct 14, 2005
Karilynn:
I honestly am glad that you posed this question and i don't know how you do it. I am currently dealing with a "silent" form of judgment from MY OWN PARENTS who do not understand the separation with my husband. They do not understand alcoholism/addiction, although I try to explain, and they think I am being harsh. After reading someone's post on the "Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage", I decided to purchase the book for not only myself, but for them also. Let them read it and then see how they feel.
Angie said
Oct 14, 2005
HI!
You got some great replies here....
The friend the introduced me to Al-Anon says ;
"I cannot judge shoes that I am not filling'.
In other words - I am not in that situation, how could I have the knowledge to make judement?
Its always easy to get free advice/opinions; unfortunately, that's all its worth too.
Best wishes,
Angie
canadianguy said
Oct 14, 2005
This is where our strength has to come from our program, and our knowledge.... we can still be friends with these people, but they are NOT very helpful in terms of perspectives or advice. One strategy is to try & convince them that we know what we are doing, and that it is detachment with love, etc....
The better strategy is to hold our heads high, and live out the saying:
"what you think of me is none of my business"
Tom
Jeannie said
Oct 14, 2005
Hi,
From the time I was a child my Mom always told me to never judge anyone until I have walked several miles in their shoes. I have passed that on more times than I can count to my children. I have also used that response to people who have tried to judge me on the decisions I have been forced to make.
Love Jeannie
abbyal said
Oct 16, 2005
You don't explain , it's none of thier business. And if someone thinks a mom isn't supporting her son tell her to stop the conversation by simply saying" sorry you feel that way" or "you could be right" and change the topic. the more we try to justify how we feel the worse the situation gets, we don't have to justify to anyone why we do what we do. Louise
If someone were to accuse me of turning the other cheek, or deserting an addicted loved one I would try to explain it to them like this:
I had the same misconception until I became involved in the Al Anon program. It's a wonderful support group of family and friends of alcoholics/addicts and it showed me all the ways I was hurting my loved one everytime I thought I was helping him.
For the friend who's accussing of turning the other cheek I'd go on to explain that I've learned I have no control over someone elses drinking and drug use and I've learned how to put the focus back on myself where it belongs anyway.
For the friend accusing of deserting my loved one I'd go on to explain that I've learned how to detach with love in order to save my sanity as well as not hurt my addicted loved one by enabling them.
Noone should feel they have to explain themselves, but if for whatever reason you choose to, than I would simply explain the program and what it's done for me. A little before and after type explanation. Then....they can *take what they like and leave the rest*.
You know how I do it Karilynn? I tell people that the only person i have to answer to for my actions is GOD. I live with an active A, in fact, I was seperated from him for 3 years, and got back together with him, and he is still active. My family and friends don't understand, and I can't expect them to. All I can do is lead by example, and have faith that I am doing the right thing.
Hope that helps
Aron in the Mountains
(Captcodee)
Karilynn:
I honestly am glad that you posed this question and i don't know how you do it. I am currently dealing with a "silent" form of judgment from MY OWN PARENTS who do not understand the separation with my husband. They do not understand alcoholism/addiction, although I try to explain, and they think I am being harsh. After reading someone's post on the "Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage", I decided to purchase the book for not only myself, but for them also. Let them read it and then see how they feel.
This is where our strength has to come from our program, and our knowledge.... we can still be friends with these people, but they are NOT very helpful in terms of perspectives or advice. One strategy is to try & convince them that we know what we are doing, and that it is detachment with love, etc....
The better strategy is to hold our heads high, and live out the saying:
"what you think of me is none of my business"
Tom
Hi,
From the time I was a child my Mom always told me to never judge anyone until I have walked several miles in their shoes. I have passed that on more times than I can count to my children. I have also used that response to people who have tried to judge me on the decisions I have been forced to make.
Love Jeannie
You don't explain , it's none of thier business. And if someone thinks a mom isn't supporting her son tell her to stop the conversation by simply saying" sorry you feel that way" or "you could be right" and change the topic. the more we try to justify how we feel the worse the situation gets, we don't have to justify to anyone why we do what we do. Louise