Tonight my A came over after I had a rough day at work...I have a huge meeting tomorrow in which I will probably have my cage rattled a time or two by the higher ups...the last thing i thought I could handle was a conversation about our relationship. After telling my A that I was having a rough day, he of course, focused on himself, and how hard things are him right now and how confused he is about our relationship. I never thought, like I said, that I'd be able to talk about things...but somehow my HP was at work for me and I did...I was able to set boundaries in the conversation, accepting my own faults but not accepting his. The conversation topic: infidelity and lack of intimacy. It was a conversation that scratched the surface of the depth of the problem, however, it was a start. I was able to stay unemotional, objective and calm (a far cry from what I thought I'd be)...he was admittant of not being a good husband, claims he wants to be that person and that he needs to become more spiritual. True. But you know what? It didn't matter to me. Not that I don't care, but I wasn't convincing myself through his words that it was all going to be OK. It is not OK. It is going to take a lot of hard work on both of our parts to get there. I asked him, what do you think it will take. His response.."for us to trust each other".."well, trust begins with honesty" was my response. It was then that we spoke of intimacy. He made the attempt to blame things on us drifting apart. I knew full well that this has been an issue for him his entire life and refused to accept this passage of blame. I told him clearly "I will not accept that, I will accept responsiblity for my actions, but I will not accept blame for something that has been yours for your entire life", I think that finding some serenity led me to be able to have that conversation. It kept me calm, focused and not with an anxious and resentful heart. In the end it was a good start for me to see change in myself. That feels really good.
sg said
Oct 14, 2005
Wow kim! You did well! Serenity feels wonderful, doesn't it? To be able to be calm and not react to things is definately worth the hard work we do.
I know lately I have felt a wash of serenity come over me. My head is quieter, although issues are still there they don't dominate my every waking moment. I seem to be able to live in the present, detach from what I need to and keep to focus on bettering myself.
Keep up the great work!
Karilynn said
Oct 14, 2005
Kim,
It's so cool that you were able to keep calm through that. I'm so proud of you. In finding that serenty you also gain a quiet strength to move foward and stand your ground. Great job.
Live strong,
Karilynn
nycbt said
Oct 14, 2005
Hi it was good that you were able to set boundaries in your conversation. That is very important thing to do. So he knows where he stands and how you feel.
Hello roomies:
Tonight my A came over after I had a rough day at work...I have a huge meeting tomorrow in which I will probably have my cage rattled a time or two by the higher ups...the last thing i thought I could handle was a conversation about our relationship. After telling my A that I was having a rough day, he of course, focused on himself, and how hard things are him right now and how confused he is about our relationship. I never thought, like I said, that I'd be able to talk about things...but somehow my HP was at work for me and I did...I was able to set boundaries in the conversation, accepting my own faults but not accepting his. The conversation topic: infidelity and lack of intimacy. It was a conversation that scratched the surface of the depth of the problem, however, it was a start. I was able to stay unemotional, objective and calm (a far cry from what I thought I'd be)...he was admittant of not being a good husband, claims he wants to be that person and that he needs to become more spiritual. True. But you know what? It didn't matter to me. Not that I don't care, but I wasn't convincing myself through his words that it was all going to be OK. It is not OK. It is going to take a lot of hard work on both of our parts to get there. I asked him, what do you think it will take. His response.."for us to trust each other".."well, trust begins with honesty" was my response. It was then that we spoke of intimacy. He made the attempt to blame things on us drifting apart. I knew full well that this has been an issue for him his entire life and refused to accept this passage of blame. I told him clearly "I will not accept that, I will accept responsiblity for my actions, but I will not accept blame for something that has been yours for your entire life", I think that finding some serenity led me to be able to have that conversation. It kept me calm, focused and not with an anxious and resentful heart. In the end it was a good start for me to see change in myself. That feels really good.