but not new to al-anon. I am having a problem, and I hope someone can help. I am feeling very resentful toward my A, this has been going on for quite a while and I can't get past this. I feel very "gived out". I feel like I have been doing all of the giving for way too long, and I would like him to do something for me. I have told him how I feel, still nothing. I know his disease prevents him from giving to me. I know about expectations. But after 10 yrs., I feel really hurt inside, and I don't know what to do. I got angry with him today about this, he made a very disgusting comment while we were eating dinner, which of course I cooked, and I just snapped. I wish he would just not act like someone with no class in front of me. I walked away from the table and asked him to leave. Something inside me has snapped, and i just can't tolerate his behavior anymore. I am not ready to leave, but I don't want to stay. I don't know what to do.

Dear Quiet1,

It sounds like you are feeling spent and worn out. I really encourage you to take care of YOU FIRST. For me, that often means checking in to see if I may be hungry, angry, lonely or tired and then meeting my basic needs by eating a good lunch, or taking a nap, or calling a friend. I also often regularly try to do something for myself that feels TRULY FEEL W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L. This wonderful activity varies often on my mood or the season, but has included soaking my feet in a warm tub after a long day, climbing into my jammies and going to bed an hour early to relax and read, picking up a recommended book from the library that I think I will enjoy, going to the movies by myself. These things seem so simple, but I've found they have enriched my life, and strengthened me, especially during times that I feel depleted.

Also, I try to tune into when I'm spent and during that time, I take special care to set limits with those around me as a way of taking care of myself.

As a way to remind myself to take care of me first, I repeat this as a mantra to myself throughout the day and it helps me make decisions in my best interest. This helps tremendously and it means I often take care of myself first even before I react--a truly miracolous and life-changing development.

BLUECLOUD

Is your A still drinking?

Hi quiet1.  One of the members just recently posted with the heading RESENTMENT.  I printed it off and stuck it on my fridge for the whole family. Hope I can help you if you ever need it.  LUv Leo x

Hi Quiet1,

Here is the post Leo mentioned about resentment.  Take what you'd like and leave the rest.

mollyann
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Resentments are the blocks that hold us back from loving others and ourselves. Resentments do not punish the other person. They punish us. They become barriers to feeling good and enjoying life.

Resentments are hardened chunks of anger. They loosen up and dissolve with forgiveness and letting go.

Letting go of resentments does not mean we allow the other person to do anything to us that he or she wants. It means we accept what happened in the past, and we set boundaries for the future. We can let go of resentments and still have boundaries.

We try to see the good in the person or the good that ultimately evolved from whatever incident we feel resentful about. We try to see our part.

Then we put the incident to rest.

Praying for those we resent helps. Asking God to take our resentments from us helps too.

Higher Power, help me become ready to let go of my resentments. Bring any resentment that is hidden within me, and blocking me, to the surface. Show me what I need to do to take care of my self by letting go of resentments, and then help me do that.

Hello quiet, somedays living with an alcoholic is too much for us, when you are the only one trying to change it can get discouraging, you have been in al anon for awhile so I assume u have come across the line

 "Going to an alcoholic for emotional support is like looking for bread in a hardware store" that really upset me when I read that many yrs ago but today I know that it is true. drinking or not my husb cnnot give me the emotional support I need so thanks to a great sponsor and other members I know where to go for the support.

  Accepting the fact that he is just not available was not easy took me along time, but I have and today it's ok, I have a choice  i can keep going to the well looking for the support and always comming away dissapointed or I can save myself some pain and just simply pick up the phone.-  when I stop expecting and start accepting what is my life is much better.  good luck   Louise 
 

Hi quiet, Welcome home! I think we all feel "gived out" at times. When my A was active it was especially hard. Now that he's in recovery it can still be draining at times. Part of it is also me. I work retail and I spend the day taking care of everybody else's wants. Then I had to go home, and I thought take care of him. When I start to feel that way now, I have to remind myself that it's time to take care of me. Even more so this time of year with the "holiday season" coming to work. I have to be good to me. I'm on vacation this week, and it's rained all week. I could have done a thousand things, but instead I decided not to plan out. I kept my Doctors's appointments, but the rest I have just winged it. I did chores, but one day it was so dreary I crawled into bed at noon with a pot of tea, the cat and a good book. It was heaven on earth. When an A is active or for that matter in recovery (especially the first year) it's hard to go to them for emotional support. It's not going to happen. It doesn't mean that deep down he doesn't love you. But they are so focused on meeting their needs, they don't see that they're not giving it to their partners. You will run the rollercoaster of emotions. You probably have already. But that's natural. Just don't loose yourself in his disease. Do the things you love, and be extra good to yourself. You need it more than you know. You don't have to make a decision about your future together right now. Start working on your recovery and when you start becoming stronger, the decisions (whatever they might be) will be clearer. Start taking baby steps. We're here for you. Live strong, Karilynn

Hi Try and find an Alanon group around if you aren't going to one now. It is important because you gain alot of support. Also post here is important as well. I don't know if you know there are meetings here online 9 am and 9 pm. Hang in there life will get better. Someone said this in my alanon meeting "It is not going to last forever this too shall pass." I find that to be very helpful knowing this moment in your situation will get better.