has my partner been sober . and i am still simmering with anger !!!. he is trying so hard and so am i ,but i am still angry its not the in your face shouting and screaming your head off one . its a feeling of discomfort and restlessness . he has stopped drinking so i should be happy, but now i have to get to know him all over again . he is trying to start step 4 . i dont understand why he did`nt he tell me when he met me he had a problem. he has spent my money, lied to me , estranged my family . bullied me etc the list goes on and on . and now him getting better is like a hobbie or away of life. i know i am not being nice or supportive or any of that crap . but i wish to break free of his disease , not of him . But if i get cross he sulks . last night he said he was going out to get drunk , he did`nt but the threat is there . thanks for letting me moan .
lin0606 said
Oct 13, 2005
Mars, do you get to alanon meetings? Sometimes the recovery is as hard on the family as the drinking was! It is too hard for you to face this alone - he has his program now, you need yours.
Karilynn said
Oct 13, 2005
Mars,
Now's the time to work on your recovery too. You should try and get to some meetings if you can. Getting to know a sober/recovering A is scary. I bet you're wondering if the same person that you fell in love with is still there, true? Want the answer? Yes, and No. Okay like that really helped you.
No, they are not the same person in many ways. First of all, they are focused on their recovery. As they should be. So they've got all these emotions and things going on. It doesn't include you. I know that at first I felt left out. I was glad that he was going, but hey.... what about me? That's where your recovery comes in.
Yes, the person that once was there, is still there. But they are reinventing themself. My A is still the same loving, kind man I knew 22 years ago. I'm pretty much the same person he met back in college. But he's changed. So have I. Go back to my post: One year later and that will give you an idea of what it's been like for the 2 of us. We end of reinventing ourselves. You also might want to look at the chapter in the Blue Book (you can bring it up on line. Go to the AA.org) on Wives, and To the Family Afterwards for some insight. Also Lois Remembers is very useful too.
His recovery and your recovery are separate issues. But you must work on your no matter what. Your emotions are normal. You're not cracking up. Be good to yourself and try some meetings. Hang in there.
Live strong,
Karilynn
nycbt said
Oct 14, 2005
It is hard in the begin of recovery for either one of you. I hope you are doing things for you. You can't worry what he is doing. It is hard not to worry about every little move they make.Try and do something good for yourself today. You are worth it.
gknee said
Oct 14, 2005
Hi Mars-
I understand your anger and frustration. I realized that I needed help and support for all that I had went thru with my A/drug user when I couldn't be a good cheerleader for him. I actually resented his new "hobby". (almost as much as I resented the old ones!) I was like "Yippee for u--what about me?" I think thats where alanon comes in. To help make us whole and centered and serene and people who we actually want to be. Not just reactors to problems and situations.
take care. Its not easy and takes more time to adjust to than u expect-
Jeanne
KathyS said
Oct 14, 2005
Alcoholism/addiction is a family disease. Which means it affects everyone in the family. It's very important for you to be involved with Al Anon and working your own program right now as your husband works his. This is not something you can do for each other, but something each one has to do for themselves.
Working your own program will help you to let go of your resentments. Asking why he didn't tell you way back when that he suffered from alcoholism is pretty much a redundant question. You are where you are in your life today. Asking the why's of how you got there doesn't help anything. The whys can be answered honestly by working the 12 steps with a sponsor. I can almost guarantee you that had you not met your husband, you would have still ended up with someone who was either raised in an alcoholic/addict home or an alcoholic/addict themselves. There's a reason we are attracted to this type of person. That reason can be found through working our steps.
If your husband is maintaining his sobriety and working a program than he is getting healthier spiritualy, emotionaly, physically and mentally. If you're not working your program than you aren't getting healthier. Therefore you will hold on to your resentments (which I'm sure you feel perfectly justified in having as we all did before working this program) and your behaviour, reactions, ways of thinking, lack of serenity etc will continue as they have been.
I would strongly suggest focusining on yourself and getting busy getting better. It will not only affect you in a very positive way, but your marriage as well.
has my partner been sober . and i am still simmering with anger !!!. he is trying so hard and so am i ,but i am still angry its not the in your face shouting and screaming your head off one . its a feeling of discomfort and restlessness . he has stopped drinking so i should be happy, but now i have to get to know him all over again . he is trying to start step 4 . i dont understand why he did`nt he tell me when he met me he had a problem. he has spent my money, lied to me , estranged my family . bullied me etc the list goes on and on . and now him getting better is like a hobbie or away of life. i know i am not being nice or supportive or any of that crap . but i wish to break free of his disease , not of him . But if i get cross he sulks . last night he said he was going out to get drunk , he did`nt but the threat is there . thanks for letting me moan .
It is hard in the begin of recovery for either one of you. I hope you are doing things for you. You can't worry what he is doing. It is hard not to worry about every little move they make.Try and do something good for yourself today. You are worth it.
Alcoholism/addiction is a family disease. Which means it affects everyone in the family. It's very important for you to be involved with Al Anon and working your own program right now as your husband works his. This is not something you can do for each other, but something each one has to do for themselves.
Working your own program will help you to let go of your resentments. Asking why he didn't tell you way back when that he suffered from alcoholism is pretty much a redundant question. You are where you are in your life today. Asking the why's of how you got there doesn't help anything. The whys can be answered honestly by working the 12 steps with a sponsor. I can almost guarantee you that had you not met your husband, you would have still ended up with someone who was either raised in an alcoholic/addict home or an alcoholic/addict themselves. There's a reason we are attracted to this type of person. That reason can be found through working our steps.
If your husband is maintaining his sobriety and working a program than he is getting healthier spiritualy, emotionaly, physically and mentally. If you're not working your program than you aren't getting healthier. Therefore you will hold on to your resentments (which I'm sure you feel perfectly justified in having as we all did before working this program) and your behaviour, reactions, ways of thinking, lack of serenity etc will continue as they have been.
I would strongly suggest focusining on yourself and getting busy getting better. It will not only affect you in a very positive way, but your marriage as well.