Hi everyone.  I am new here, but have been reading the posts for the last week and feel so relieved to see others going through the same insanity that I am.  My husband is my A.  We have three kids under age 5.  His drinking has been a problem for the last 3 years with a 6 month break of sobriety that ended a year ago and the drinking came back with a vengeance.

Anyway, here's my most recent issue. One of his sisters is aware of his drinking problem because I've had to have her go over and watch the kids when he's drunk and I get tied up at work because I don't feel comfortable leaving them with him when he's been drinking.  She came over the other night to see the kids, he was drunk and left before she got there without telling me he was leaving.  She saw him driving away and asked where he was going.  I told her I didn't know, I didn't even know he was leaving.  She asked me if he'd been drinking and I told her yes.  (Also, the week before we went somewhere with her and the kids and A was drunk which it wasn't hard to notice).  So last night, which was his first sober night in a week, she apparently called him to talk to him about his need to stop drinking and now my A is ticked off at me and not speaking to me. 

Our relationship is in the pits right now anyways over his drinking and my anger at him for it.  I've been reading Getting the Sober and this board and an Al-Anon book.  I'm really trying to not react when he's drinking, etc., to avoid the fights.  But I'm second guessing myself about telling his sister.  He says I'm invading his privacy, I feel like why should I lie for him.  But should I have not answered her at all or told her she'd have to ask him?  I'm feeling really guilty and don't know if I should or not.  I wrote him a note saying if he's mad about his conversation with his sister he should be mad at her or at his drinking - not me.  That I wasn't going to lie if she asked me about his drinking.  But, I didn't leave it for him because I'm not sure if I should just let it go and drop the issue or tell him that.

Anyways, your thoughts would be helpful as I've felt so alone with no one to talk to about these issues because I've been protecting him, but it's getting so hard to keep it inside.  Thank you.

Welcome Magpie!  ((((((((((((((((to you)))))))))))))

Living with an alcoholic can be tough.  Of corse for me the martyr, it was great, until I hit alanon and was forced to actually look at my role in the situation!

You can second guess all you want, but remember, what's done...is done.  There is no point "should"-ing your self, cause you can't take it back.  I find that even now, after 6 years of alanon, and a great deal of self changing, I have a tendency to analyze things to death (usually to avoid making a decision)

Here is a good place to reason things out, and use  us as a sounding board.

Good luck

 

Aron

The one thing I notice about my A is that when he gets angry, it usually has more to do with him being angry at himself than what he is trying to direct his anger at.  But he tries to divert the subject to anything else, blame it on something else, rather than face what the bottom line is...his own anger/guilt over drinking.  As far as me telling others that he has a drinking problem, well, I don't need to do that.  They can see it for themselves.  My family recognized he had a real problem long before I did.  I still don't discuss it with them, except for my mom, and only with her because I know she keeps what we talk about confidential and she has a lot of Al-Anon thinking, also what I talk about with her has to do with me, with how I should deal with things, mostly household stuff, the kids, etc.  When it comes to issues with my hubby, I come here to my Al-Anon friends who understand, who can relate, who can share what they have done.  When anyone else in my family (like my sister for example) asks about my hubby, I simply tell her that is his personal business, not mine and I won't discuss it.  I guess the way I look at it now is like this, if I had an illness I would want the choice of who to tell to be my choice, not someone else's. 

Glad you are here (((Magpie))).  Keep coming back!

You will have to find out for yourself where you stand on this. You are certainly under no obligation to lie for him. However, if YOU feel that you violated his privacy, and you feel guilty about it, well, don't do that again. If you feel that it would make you feel better to apologize for that part of it, and he wouldn't punish you out of all proportion, then apologize. I found that my A did not really accept apologies, he just used them as excuses to justify bad behaviour - that is, if I shouted two or three words at him, and then apologized for shouting, he would use that as an excuse to shout at me for half an hour. He is making such a big deal of this, not because you really betrayed a deep dark secret, but because it takes the focus so nicely off of his behaviour. I wouldn't use his reaction as a basis for feeling guilty. You're a big girl, you have your own conscience - if you did something you think was wrong, it's up to you to know that , and not do it again.

Magpie, Welcome! In my book when I start to second guess myself it only makes me more crazy! I don't need any more help with that! What's done is done, there is no going back. It's waisted time and energy. But you do have to sort out how you feel about it. If that situation rises again, (and it will) then you need to figure out how you are going to respond. I'm very protective of my A's privacy, even more so now that he's recovering. However, I never covered up his problem. The people closet to him already knew. That said, when I first began this journey I needed to talk to someone. I found out that a friend at work has been living with an active A since she was born (her mother). She was of great help. My sister knows about him because her A is active and she's in denial. At first she wasn't supportive, but she has her own issues about this. Now she's coming around. At least she's sees there's hope. You will run the gamut of emotions with any A, regardless if they are active or in recovery. You will also run the gamut of emotions during your recovery. Just realize that this is normal and part of your healing process. Do not loose yourself in his disease. Keep the focus on you and be good to yourself. That's very important. It's how we get better. Keep coming back to us. Live strong, Karilynn

Welcome Magpie!!! You are so in the right place for healing and support.... I believe you did do the right thing. Sister asked a question , you answered a question. If she took it upon herself to talk to him, that is THEIR problem. It is easy for him to be mad at you, because it is what he is used to doing. The drinker will use any circumstance in his life to give him reason (excuse) to drink. When you stop being his excuse, he will get very creative in making you want to think you are in the wrong. ( the guilt) Remember, a major part of this disease is manipulation, he is probably a master at making you believe everything is your fault, this is also his lack of self -esteem. Obviously his sister knows what is going on without the need for you to confirm it. She probably feels as lost as you do. As for dealing with your A - it gets harder before it gets better. Keep reading your material, attend al-anon meetings, and thank God you found this site, I DO!!! Hugs - Angie

My husband tells me that he only has three emotions:

Fear, Anger, and Nothing.

WHen he feels nothing, he is good.

WHen he doesn't feel nothing, he is scared, and when he is scared it comes out as anger.

I just learned to deal with it.  He has slowly started to feel others, but once I accepted his limit, I had an easier time with my expectations.

I am just rambling.  Felt the need to reply.

Aron

Thank you, everyone.  Your wisdom really helps.  I really need to figure out what I feel comfortable doing because it will certainly come up again.  My A is a master manipulator even without the drinking (or maybe it's because of it...) so I need to not get sucked into it, as hard as it may be, and do what is best for me and the kids.  If I keep telling myself that I hope it will stick!  I'm going to try to go to my first Al-Anon meeting tonight if my A is sober so that I can leave the kids with him.  Thank you, again.  I know that this board is going to be very valuable to me!

Hi Magpie (Maggie),

Just wanted to say hi and hang in there.  Sometimes we all get sucked into the moment and don't say what we really want to. I agree with Angie the problem belongs to your A and his sister. My advice which is something I give to the children I work with is you two need to sort it out.  Simple but really effective.  Thinking of you with luv.  Leo

 

maggie, you did the right thing....she asked and you told the truth...do not feel bad...if you wouldn't have told her the truth in effect you would have protecting him from the consequences of his actions.....do not second guess yourself...you did well.