i missed 3 of his phone calls last night he was so pissed he finally called 8 30 this morning  and was ok. Then he called back and said he was  not happy this place sucks and if he didn't see a councler that he   was checking out by 6 pm if he doesn't see a change there is no TV, nothing to do, he asked if I worked on my brother and he said if he doesn't let him in he was going to the cops and start a whole bunch of shit. He said if it was any other LANlord they could not have kicked him out. i told him please don't do anything stupid my brother  is looking after your wife and daughter  and if it wasn't for him we would be out on the street. my brother is my only security but he doesn't care. he is selfish i called the manager  at the detox and she said he is doing fine, he is lying  and think back to the first lie he told you . i dont even know when the first lie was .she said he just wants to go home ,unfortunately its voluntary & he  can check himself out  you should not let him back in until he shows you improvement. she said turn the phone off and do something nice for you. any problems she will call me. he just probably wants a fix and is edgy she will go up to see him and call me later. he told me there is nothing  to do and no TV and she told me that was a lie. what am i doing? can i ever trust him again ? is this the life i want? i am so confused.:( i am in  love with a man that is no longer here now what do i do? i said if you check out, you are telling me you want a divorce and he starting screaming is that what you want! is that what you want! and i said calm down. he said he would call me later.  i don't know what i want anymore then he said you better not  tell my mother & you better not tell my boss dont be the one who makes me lose my job. i am actually alittle afraid of him.he said he would call me later. i am so torn.  

Hi (((Chrissy)))

I was reading your previous post and there were quite a few really good replies there.  Someone asked if you were attending Al-Anon meetings?  I sure hope so, they will help you sooo much.  We do need our own meetings/recovery too.  I'd like you to try and picture this in your mind....standing next to your hubby is this big ol' monster named Alcoholism.  As long as hubby is drinking, as long as we family members are going crazy from it, that big ol' monster is happy and has a great big grin on its face.  It is getting its way - drama, chaos, insanity - oh how it loves it.  But now wait, someone is trying to make a change, to find recovery....uh oh, now that monster is getting disturbed.  And it will do and say anything to prevent that - whether it be the A who is seeking recovery, or the A's loved ones.  It will rage, it will cry, it will scream, it will plead.  What can we do in the face of that?  We can detach with love.  We can allow it to carry on in its tirade without reacting to it and continue on with our own recovery.  If we try to coddle it, it wins.  If we rage back at it, it wins.  We must learn to detach with love.  To remain calm.  To focus on what we are doing.  To put our recovery first and allow the A to deal with their own recovery.  You said, "i am in  love with a man that is no longer here now what do i do?" Thats right, its hard to see the man you knew because that monster is in control right now, and that monster is fighting with all it is worth to survive.  Again, what we can do is detach with love, attend our meetings, work on our own program of recovery.  We need this as much as our A does so that we can stand together as an informed united pair against that monster.  And if by chance our A cannot/does not find recovery, well then at least we ourselves will have found it and can make healthy choices (without our own mind/thinking being distorted) as to what we want/need in our own life.  Keep talking with fellow Al-Anon members, read as much literature as you can.  Things become much clearer as we do this.  As with anything in life, the more we study the more understanding we get.  It took me quite some time to understand what all the Al-Anon "tools" and slogans mean, how to apply them.  They do work though!!  Keep coming back ((((Chrissy)))) - we are here for you!!

chrissie, i got this off  an AA site.......this is SO true....when we get into recovery, we *agitate* the demons who want to keep oppressing the alcoholic....they become our demons, if we don't take care of us...and we then become codependent...or other forms of insanity......i notice that my "A"  and my "NA"  family members are  kinda  *antsy--uncomfortable* around me cause i am getting strong in my recovery.....i detach from the BS....i don't allow the crap in my life...i tell it like it is with anyone, not just them,  and so the  demons who are oppressing them, don't want to be around me for sure!!!!!!!!   my relationship with my daughter  (NA) is estranged becuz i won't get sucked into the  bulls**t......so the darkness that wants to keep her addicted,   they avoid me....it breaks my heart,  but i cannot stop her...cannot control her.....didn't cause her.....can't cure her.....i gotta detach and take care of me......and i do!!!!!!!   i don't  DO THE DANCE with her ANYMORE........NO MORE sick dance with any of my "A's"  and "NA's"........i am better.....sad over them??? but better....i can only take care of me

 

here is something i think you should read!!!!

 

 

Hello, I am your Disease
 

   I Hate meetings...I Hate higher powers...I Hate anyone who has a program. To all who come in contact with me, I wish you death and I wish you suffering. Allow me to introduce myself, I am the disease of addiction. I Am cunning, baffling, and powerful. That's Me. I have killed millions and I am pleased.

  I love to catch you with the element of suprise. I love pretending I am your friend and lover. I have given you comfort, haven't I? Wasn't I there when you were lonely? When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me? I was there, I love to make you hurt. I love to make you cry. Better yet, I Love to make you so numb you can neither hurt nor cry. When you can't feel anything at all. This is true gratification. And all that I ask from you is long term suffering. I've been there for you always.

  When things were going right in your life, you invited me. You said you didn't deserve these good things, and I was the only one who would agree with you. Together we were able to destroy all the good things in your life. People don't take me seriously. They take strokes seriously, heart attacks, even diabetes, they take seriously. Fools. Without my help these things would not be possible. I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited. You choose to have me. So many have chosen me over reality and peace.

  More than you hate me, I hate all of you who have a 12 step program. Your program, Your meeting, Your higher power. All of these things weaken me, and I can't function in the manner I am accustomed to. Now I must lie here quietly. You don't see me but I am growing bigger than ever. When you only exist, I may live. When you live I may only exist. But I am here...

And until we meet again, If we meet again, I wish you death and suffering.

 

Even from a distance my A still trys to manipulate me.  Focusing on me....helps me...my A is a grown man, I have rescued him from himself too many times to count.  I am letting my HP take care of him now, I have found some peace in that.  That manager is right, do something nice for you!!!! Hang in there....

Hugs Mary

I was told once that once an addict starts using,they stop growing.  That made my husband 14 years old when he hit rehab the first time (well, only time).

Along with that came all the whining, temper tantrums, outbursts, and crazy insanity.  He started by loving me so much for loving him so much, then pitying himself cause he didn't deserve my love, then accusing me of causing all his trouble.

I went and bought a Precious Moments Serenity prayer cross stitch that day.

I made it through.  We are still married.

Hang on Honey!  Hang on TIGHT!  God will give you strength. I promise. I can't guarantee what will happen tomorrow, but I do know that God will hold you up if you ask for His help.

Keep us posted!

With Love, Aron

hi i went to one meeting an my a flipped it was a while ago. but i know i have to continue to go and i have to get a schedule. i will look it up now. thanks guys

well Chrissy, he can't flip out, while he is in Detox.... A f2f meeting just might do you a world of good right now!!

Hugs

Tom

Chrissy I am going to re-phrase the name of your post so it reflects into something positive for you.  She is a work of peace.  Make this week yours.  Shut down the communication with A you don't have to worry about him de-tox can deal with all the b/s.  This is your week of healing, facials,bubble baths, lavender oil in the burner etc.  Make your own facials if money is a problem yoghurt,honey and strawberry is all you need.  Put up the do not disturb sign on your front door first.  Luv Leo xx  

(((chrissy))) I'm so sorry, hon. This is all part of the process. Take care of yourself and your lil' ones. He's on his own path hopefully to recovery and there is nothing you can do right now but allow him the respect and love to make his own decisions. Right now YOU are the only one you have to worry about. We all are praying for you and you know that your HP will be there and take care of you. Remember, he has a HP too that will help him right now. Try to detach and surround yourself w/f2f meetings and support (as well as ours here).