he called back & asked to see me so like an ass i went. i found a womens jacket in his car i went nuts everyone in my family said maybe he has a girlfriend & it stuck in my head. i threw it in the street in a puddle and left it there. today his mom called & said she wanted her jacket back lol i said oops i felt so much better knowing it was his moms!

                          my family thinks the worst of him & wont give him a chance.i still love him  anyway he is in a 5 day detox  and it's a start.  i didn't think he would do it. i gave him my cell phone # and he must have lost it because he called the house 3x and i missed him i was very upset and so was he. last night he was crying he told me. why do you love me? i'm no good. you deserve better than me. is that typically what they say? everyone tells me he is trying to get over on me & he is a master of minipulation. why can't i see it? 

even my deacon told me You probably won't like my idea.He needs to go away for about a month or so.  There are a variety of residential detox facilities and wait for him to come to you CLEAN AND SOBER!!!Unfortunately this is something that he MOST do alone.  We can show him the way BUT HE HAS TO DO IT HIMSELF!!!!  your love for him is commendable BUT he is a 40 year old man.  He has devestated the family financially and emotionally.  He has to get better, WITH NO CONDITIONS!!!!!!  Frankly I don't care what he wants at this point.  He has no card to play but to get better, NOW.

and some of my nosy family told me that my daughter feels that i am putting him first when that is not the case at all ,she even said she never said that she misses him too she wants her old sober dad back.i really do love him and i  part of me is scared to trust him.

     what i did for me                    tonight  me, my daughter and her boyfriend  ate  dinner  together & watched the cinderella movie with hillary duff i enjoyed it!!

  take care

Chrissy... it is a nice positive thing that he has gone to Detox....  In my opinion, the early stages of recovery are critical, for you both...  We end up walking that fine line between detachment and "being there for them"....  Please try to remember that he may be trying to lean on you, to avoid the work he has to do....  Being "too available" to him, right now, may not be the best thing for either of you....

Trust your instincts... and when you don't trust your own instincts, seek out others, with less emotional involvement, so that you can trust theirs...

Take care and good luck

Tom

Sounds like your pastor knows what he is talking about. I remember that first phone call from detox - he sounded so fragile, so unlike himself - looked himself clean in the eye for the first time in a long time, and didn't like what he saw. He has things he needs to do now, and if you try to save him from them, he can't get better. "The wife's best attitude is that of firm sympathy. The alcoholic should not be coddled nor his drinking defended. He needs firmness along with love and understanding. TLC (tender loving care) is sometimes best administered as total lackof concern, rather than solicitousness." ( from "Alanon Faces Alcoholism")

Easy Chrissy, am glad he went to detox and hope he is serious -stay with your plan to get on with your life , with or with out him you will be ok keep the focus on yourself. sorry I don't remember if your going to meetings or not, but I sure would urge u to go , you need support and the alcoholic is not the only one who has to change. We had a part in this mess too and Al-Anon will make yours clear and talking to family is usually not a good idea the less they know the better find friends at al anon who will listen and understand. anonymity keeps sharring  safe.

Learn to trust yourself believe what your seeing , somedays reality really does suck but it is a much better place to live than denial . there are no suprises when living in reality. accept what is = or not. the choice is yours.

goodluck  Louise

Chrissy I have to say you have just made my day.  I have just read the part about his mother's jacket going in the puddle and I burst out laughing. Karma is at work here.  Don't be upset if the family support is not forthcoming remember they are outsiders looking in and probably only want what is best for you.  We can all be quick to judge others and think to ourselves I wouldn't be putting up with that.   Stay firm on your boundaries.  Luv Leo 

Chrissy, I guess throwing your Mother-in-laws jacket in the puddle wasn't such a good idea. Ooops! But we've all done silly things like that. I always feel when I over react. Now I try and count to 10, 11 before I do something. Doesn't always work. But I try. I'm glad your A is in detox. But there is a difference between detox, and a recovery program. Several years ago when my A was with his exwife he went to detox. It dried him out, but didn't give him the skills necessary to recovery. I agree with your deacon. He probably needs at least a 1 month program, in house. Hindsight says that I wish my A had even more time than that. But I can't look back. Stick to your boundaries. Remember if he does go into a recovery program the first year is the hardest. The chance of him relapsing are more than 90%. If he chooses not to go into a recovery program that's his choice. He has to hit bottom, and maybe a couple of times before he wants to get better. Even if he chooses not to go into a program don't let that stop your recovery. My recovery is mine. My A is his. Try not to read too much into what he is saying. Addicts are manipulators. That's all they know. He's going through a lot and hasn't had a drink in 5 days. Just trust your instinct or trust ours. Families who aren't living this don't understand. They haven't walked in our shoes. That can be frustrating. That's when you come here. Hang in there. We here for you. Live strong, Karilynn

Forgot to say - good for you - spending time and talking this over with your daughter. She's just as confused and messed up about all of this as you are - more, because she's a teen, and they are confused and messed up just naturally! My own kids were very closed at first, when we all first got into recovery. But, as time passes, and they see real changes being made, they are opening up. It's so great to just sit back and share a laugh with them, isn't it?

Hi, Chrissy,

I think it's kind of funny about your mother-in-law's jacket, personally...lolol!  But anyway, I would have done the same thing, considering the circumstances!

When I took my husband to the recovery center, I was told they were allowed one 10-minute phone call, which THEY would make, not the family, since the phone was a pay phone.  We could call in if an emergency, but were really not supposed to.  Anyway, the reason for this was for them to have the peace and quiet for healing, not to have to hear their family members talk about how they missed them, what bills weren't getting paid, how messed up the a was, etc. etc.  And I agree that a 30-day program would be better, but heck, a 5-day program is a start!  (From a physiological standpoint, it takes the body about 4 weeks or so for something new to become habit, whether it be trying a new food, NOT drinking a certain drink, whatever.)  The recovery center my a went to was a "spiritual retreat", not a medical facility or detox  center.  It was founded on the AA principles, and AA is what they learn, but they place a HUGE emphasis on spirituality, or finding a HP.  It was amazing the difference he made after just one week there!  Sometimes I tell him, you should go back to Discovery Place, lolol, and stay a loooong time!  But he has been sober since arriving there, on April 18, 2004!  Praise God!

And about the stuff he has said, about not being good enough for you, blah, blah, blah, mine said that too, but was taught at the recovery center that that is a selfish way of thinking...that they are just thinking of themselves, and how bad off they have it, how they don't deserve anyone good, etc.  Just let him work his program, and don't fall for what he's saying.  Just telling you how it was with my a... :o)

Take care of yourself!

Kathi

Hi Chrissy;

When i went through a split with my hubby, my entire family was the same as yours.  Passing judgement based only on the things I say, not on the true him.

The best thing I did was followed my heart, and led by example.  I asked God what to do, and followed what I interpreted as "His will". 

We are now together again after 3 yrs of seperation.  It was the best thing for us as Husband and Wife.  After 1 year back together, my family is starting to warm up to him again.  It has been a slow go, but it is happening.  Most of all, I am happy.  I trust that i am doing right by God, who I feel is the only person I need to answer to regarding this situation.  I DO put my hubby before my children, as I have to spend the rest of my life (hopefully) with him, and I would expect my own children to do the same in their future.

I am so glad to hear the beginning of a success story.  It is so hard to go through this, and you are doing the same things I did, and would do if put in that situation again.  I shared every step of the way with this message board, and gathered all the strength I could.

With Love;

Aron in the Mountains
(Captcodee)

i really honestly didn't know it was  hers .i though he was cheating on me.  but i was happy it was hers. i was going to look for it but she's not worth me going to queens. if she was nice then i  would have. it makes me laugh too i am a horrible person? 

i agree with the pastor.......he has to go away!!!!!  i don't dance with the A's and the narcs in my life!!!!!!  i dont' try to push them into recovery, cuz it does not work......they have to make the decision.........i quit wasting my time trying to change other people , i focus on me...and i am healing.......peace/ rosie