Hello

I am so glad I found this site I need to vent...after I do so it seems I can be more grateful and pay attention to things in my life that need it. 

I have been struggling with my own character defects which have supported my husbands use.  They have been dishonesty (I deny what he is doing)  now I am confronting him more IE getting our accounts reviewed and possibly an intervention/ultimatum ( whatever he has made this year is not even able to cover attorney fees for his lawsuit)  his own responsibilities such as taking care of an apartment building are ridiculous and we lost money on that caretaking...(1000) this month.....We are in year 2 where he has not made any money...plays golf and gets to spend time with our son at my sons school.....

His eyes are frequently red he spends alot of time in the basement...I don't know what he does when I am at work......I cannot hate him...he has a disease....but I am praying every day for the courage to change what I can...God gave me quite a few angels in my life this year to help me out of this and I am not taking any action.....I have not given ultimatems,I have been waiting for more evidence of his use before I take action.....as of now I am terrified that we are going to be bankrupt and things are going to get worse financially and for him physically before they get better......where do I get courage and proof of his use?  I am waiting for more help so I can get the courage to give him an ultimatum.....I realize the serenity prayer is in full force here.

I can not even comprehend being seperated from my son 1/2 time to him as negligent as he is so I am full of fear of seperating divorcing...

Therese

 

Welcome Therese, and I hope you enjoy this place..... There are lots of good people around these parts, most of whom have experienced, or are going through, exactly what you are going through...

You mentioned that you are "waiting to find more evidence that he is using".....  For what, may I ask?  If you re-read your post, I think you know exactly what he is doing.... I also think that you are being eaten up by your own inaction..... By this, I do NOT mean you should leave or stay, but you will gain great strength and wisdom through a recovery program of your own. 

You are where so many of us have been.  You are feeling sorry for the alcoholic, and you haven't even left him yet!  Now is the time to take care of yourself... to learn, to grow, and to get healthier -- regardless of what he does.

My (second) favorite line in recovery:  "he is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Take care of you...

Tom

Hi Therese,

Take one day at a time you will learn through the support of others here that whatever you do you are not judged.    Keep posting to us here whether you have having a great day or a bad one.  The wisdom, experiences and love from everyone will sustain you when times get tough.  I remember when I first posted I wanted all the answers to everything at once.  Now it doesn't matter.  Welcome to this family we are always here for you.  Luv Leo xxx  

 

Therese, Welcome home! I'm with Tom about the proof thing. He's a smart man. You have the proof. You know what's going on. My gut is telling me that giving ultimatums don't usually work. Setting boundaries and sticking to them will. Here and at meetings you will learn to do that. Telling me, it's this way or else only pushes me in the opposite direction. Just to prove to you that I'm my own person. My A was like that too. They have to want the recovery. They have to be ready to recover. Some are not. Some are. I'm lucky my A is, and he's trying hard. I'll tell you what I tell everyone who is new: You must loose yourself in his disease. You must concentrate on your recovery. Recovery is an individual thing. As you become stronger and more confident (it will happen - give it time) with your recovery, the choices you need to make will become clearer. Take one day at a time. Remember to be good to yourself. It's okay to be selfish. Recovery is a selfish but neccessary thing. It feels so good when you do that. Take care and keep coming back to us. Live strong, Karilynn

I totally relate to your story.

I spent many hours searching through my husband's shop looking for evidence, and hoping that I would not find it.  I always did.

Through Alanon, I learned that my life should not be a direct result of his actions.  Tough habits had to be broken, and I had to discover exactly what types of behavior I had developed as a habit of reacting to his behavior (or lack of).

Thankfully, I have found quite a peaceful place.  I have accepted that he is going to use weather I am accepting of it or not, and that because it is a disease, I have to just accept that he may NEVER clean up.

By changing my attitude, and reaction to his actions, we have found a happy place in the middle.  I set up clear boundaries, and because i am not totally trying to control his addiction, there is room for good behavior.  Does that make sense???

The longer I am in alanon, the more I can focus on only me, and leave my judgement out of it.

Good luck, and I hope my ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope) have given you some direction.

With Love;

Aron in the Mountains
(Captcodee)

Hi welcome

Take some time for your self. Take a bath, go for a walk. Try to get all your thoughts together. Try and get to meeting. It is important to have support of other people.

Thanks Canadian Guy to responding to my post a few weeks ago....you had mentioned quite a few things that hit home...basically what am I going to do....it is very liberating to hear from people like yourself Thank you