My A broke up with me, decided that he really doesnt like me as a person and doesnt want to put effort into our relationship anymore.

 

I dont want it to be over, I love him

Oh ((((((((Violet Scars)))))))), i am SOOO sorry for your pain.  I can totally relate.  Ending a relationship for me has always been tramatic, as my own mother abandoned me when I was a babe, therefore my abandonment issues take over all relationships....

I hate hearing slogans when all I want to do is feel bad, but here is one you can try.

TRUST ME - Meaning God knows what is going on.  When ever my will does not  pan out, I have to take a look at Step 11 "Prayed for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out"

trust that there is a reason, trust that you will heal.  Allow yourself to feel.

Keep posting, it is a good way to work through the feelings, and a reminder to us how much you have grown in this program

I am sorry you are hurting.  Be gentle with yourself, let yourself go through the feelings, don't try to deny them, relationships ending can be very painful.  If you need to cocoon or hide out in your room do just that, go through what you need as a person, feeling the feelings are so very important......Hang in there and know that we all care.

Hugs Mary

((((violetscars))))

I am sorry for the pain you're going through!  I know that kind of pain, and it is hard to get through it alone, but you have all of us here to help you!  You are loved here, for the person you are, no matter how you are.  Always remember that!

In the book, The Language of Letting Go (don't think it's on the list of conference-approved literature for alanon), I found the reading from Sept. 7 very comforting.  It reads, "...We are not victims.  We are not helpless.  Accepting powerlessness when that is appropriate enables us to begin owning our true power to take care of ourselves."  It also reads, "...We have no power to control others, what they do, what they did, or what they might do.  We're stating that we are willing to end an ineffective life based on willpower and control.  And we're beginning a spiritual, mental, and emotional journey in which we take responsibility for ourselves."

Wow!!  What a big boost of confidence for me, knowing that I can be in charge of where I'm headed (along with my HP, of course!)!!  Just to read that tells me that I don't have to be "stuck" with all the gunk and goop that's happening to me right now, if I don't want to live that way!  And that I have something wonderful to look forward to!

I know you love him.  But I also KNOW WITHOUT A DOUBT that you will survive this.  You've taken the first step and addressed YOUR problem...that YOU have a problem as the result of an alcoholic/addict in your life.  Hooray for you for recognizing that!  You are on the right road, and keep coming back, you have friends here, sweetie!!

(((hugs to you)))

Kathi

Awww  (((violet))) -- I'm sorry you aren't happy.  I know you still loved him...  but love is a verb (action) and you know he wasn't treating you in love, respect & dignity.  You deserve so much more!  None of us deserve abuse.  You know a lot about my story but the thing I realized after going through all of that pain...  is I could identify *exactly* what i was not willing to tolerate in my life anymore.

I left him & I have been screwed up & depressed for six years!  (Mostly that's cause I neve really realized he was an addict until recently but any human that *blames* their behavior on another, quite simply is an addict! if you can't take responsibility for your own choices & own up to your own emotions, simply (to me) that's the definitioin of an addict.  And of course, if their behavior hurts others & they claim to have no control of themselves). 

   You have told me all of that already!  I know it hurts to have a person "break-up" with you, it's humiliating & ego-crushing & surely you love him beyone words - what did you call it, hopelessly stuck or co-dependent on him.  But I'm sure you wqouldn't want to end up like me! Married for over 4 yrs, he stole my life essentially, I was in a constant & perpetual state of anxiety, fear & pain.  He controllled everything I did, he even "made me" change my political party!  (I went along just to shut him up -- I still voted my own way!) but still, it was insane, ludicrous, ridiculous.

I guess he loved me in his sick way -- but his love nearly killed me -- love is a creative force that makes you both want to better & treat each other better each & every day!  Love is a beautiful thing.  Maybe this is for you to realize your own self-worth...  I know that is what happened to me.  Even though I would have & could have done anything for him, by our last year of marriage I had already gone above & beyond what anyone else I knew would have tolerated...  clients, friends, acwuaintances, I talked to EVERYONE that would listen about what I was going through.  Everyone sd, "that's not right".  But the 'thought' of leaving him was overwhelming, I had too much stuff, I never could have gotten it out in one day 6 or 7 hour period!    

So God interveined & I was praying a lot the 6 months before I left spontaneously w/ nothing.  Maybe it was the sun, being in FL with his dad (whom he worshipped & adored);  just being below the Mason Dixon line!   We got there on a Friday...  by Tuesday his own Father opened dialogue w/ me & said, "my son doesn't speak to you correctly, does he?" Well, that was it, his dad & step-mom talked to me a little each day...  by Friday morning, I called my mother, opoened up, she sd "what do u want?" & I sd, "to come home".   His father's wife drove me to the airport (while my husband was at the beach) his father wanted to hang at the house, to handle him when he got ack & his wife was gone!

I was & still am forever grateful.  I guess with his dad, the conversation got to the point where I sd, "he is killing me" (& he knew I meant psychologically & spiritually) I said, "i will always love your son but I have to chose myself".  His father (bless his Soul <he *liberated* me & set me free>), said, "go pack up quickly, take a shower & my wife will drive you, I will handle him".

It made me furious 3 months ago (when I came back into the philosophies of the program after having a 19 year *slip*)  - realizing I married an addict & I still didn't forgive him!   It did occurr to me that I had to sink so below low, for me to find myself, rediscover my own Soul, & understadn the meaning of love by going through an experience that was so far from love -- it simply was the opposite!  

The more I loved him, the nicer I was, the more I loved him, the more he hated, resented & pushed me away.  it's not my fault he couldn't open up to love & receive it from me...  maybe he felt unworthy, I swear I think addicts hate themselves...  they may take "it out on you" & act like they resent & hate you but they resent & loathe themselves.

Self respect & dignity comes one step at a time, just the same way it is lost!  Girl, love yourself, put yourself, men are supposed to "chase women" that means "showing their love to you"...  not being cruel, name calling, then begging, pleading & promising the moon for you to talk to them again.  When you do that, they figure you're just as pathetic/undeserving as them, if you're willing to put up with that kind of treatment!

I used to think about the qualities in a man that I wanted...  now I am aware of how men treat me...  once any criticism starts or nit picking -- if they aren't encouraging me, they are unhealthy for me, period!

I spent this entire last year *alone* & it has been a wonderful time!  Getting to enjoy what I want, my music, my hobbies, designing my house how I like it... et cetera, etc. 

I try to look at men (& the A's) and think, I just want to put myself first & not worry about others, do what is right for me, get in touch with me, listen to my higher power, my wants/desires & needs are equally as important as what anyone else wants... esp in a mate, he ought to encourage & hope for the best & most miraculous & divine for me, he should want the very best for my life... even if that means moving on without him, that is sacrificial love, Godly...  just like I would understand if the next man I fell in love with & had a wonderful (x) yrs with, if he decided he had to go off & be a monk or a world traveler or wtvr...  i would never try to hold on to someone that I loved.  If they thought that was the best thing for them, i would encourage them & say go.

 

i guess what I am really trying to say, is this is a mixed Blessing, maybe u didn't have the strength or motivation to leave, divine intervention creates something new & perhaps this has saved your life!  Divine Internevtion... cry, grieve, let him go in love & focus on lovning yourself - first!

love, -k

by the way... my step-father was out of town for a few days.

He told my mother he doesn't know what he wants or if he loves her anymore! Their 27th year anniversary is next month -- I doubt he would recognize the truth if it bit him & his own feelings terrify him.

He is resentful that my mother is not enabling him & making "everything okay" for him to be a lying shit anymore.  He will just go on to manipulate another innocent woman or he will face himself & change!

I keep telling him, this is the worst/best of it...  feelings are painful & they never get esier to deal with...  it always hurts!       Lifeis hard for all of us!

Sorry to hear that. Take some time now for your self. Call a friend to go for coffee. Take a bath, walk, read. Try and focus on yourself. Which is going to be hard but as time passes it will get easier. The hardest time is when it first happens and then it gets better. ALso go to an Alanon meeting from the support you need. If you can't get to a meeting come here on line. The meetings are 9 am and 9 pm on the weekends I am not sure.