May I ask what made you pick that nic? Just curious. For the life of me I could not find the post you are apologing for. Did it get taken off? Ya know, we all make mistakes! Especially when we are sick from being an A or loving one or both! We say things we wish we hadn't of, or do things we wish we hadn't of. This spot is about forgiveness. We all forgive each other but must first forgive ourselves. We usually answer back if we don't feel comfy with something, and from what i have seen , it has almost always been appropriate and with alanon love. (Well cept John maybe... he is scarey!!) I love you John seeing if you are paying attention....(c: I have learned oodles from John. wish he had time to post more. Anyhoo got off track. Sometimes it is hard to get across what we really mean. It is such a strong emotion we feel and cannot put words to it. I have felt the depression that brings suicidal thoughts. I even asked my doctor, what makes me do that? Just becuz i suffer from depression is not it, others don't think ' of that just becuz they it. It is becuz it is me. Hon for me I learned to think, do I really want to die, or do I want to change things so they are not the same? Then I think or make a list of options. And there are ALWAYS options. For me I did not want to die, I wanted to change things so life did not hurt so darn much. Surrendering and throwing whatever to my hp is a big one for me. I believe in the creator and his guide, the Bible. It says to take one day at a time, that there re enough anxieties in one day, to be worrying about tomorrow. If we don't know what to do, then we don't. We can then rest, drink some tea, take a nap, write some options, goals. Or like me, go take a nap with my pet farm pig Estersue. Or go cuddle with Tavish my young Basset, or plant my bulbs, just make myself do it, even if I don't feel like it. I am always glad I did..crimany I have about seven bags of a lot in each one to do... come over! I have an extra trowel!! You can even nap with Estersue in the clean straw!! i know the pain you feel. I have an eating disorder, anorexia when I go thru heavy loss like you are. I know that gut thing. I went down over 3 sizes last time. It was not a nice way to lose it either. I cannot eat when I am unhappy. But your body needs you to take care of it so you feel as best as you can. Stress and grieveing rob so much out of you. I would get the shakes. If you have to get those drinks that are complete, get some. You can warm them up or freeze them too. Or find what you can eat. Needless to say, I am happy sooooo am back to me. But I like me so whatever.... Please keep coming back. We wall come here in such pain. If we stay and learn and allow us to share with you, things can only get better. Lotsa love, your sister in alanon, debilyn