As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store tonight, I was talking to my son that's in the Air Force, my phone beeped so I said good bye flipped over to the other line, thinking the boys at home are making dinner and have a question....I never looked at the caller i.d. just flipped over and said hello....It was my A.....I asked what was up, he said he was driving to work and just wanted to know how my day was????? I said well, it's been shitty...he asked why, I told him, cancelled the paper, made arrangements with the phone company....wish right now I had my dad still alive to talk to....(hard times, dad was the best) I told him how proud of myself I was for our talk yesterday, through the tears, I told him I have earned some of my self-respect back, felt like I have some dignity, I did all the things I said I would when I talked to him, no hitting below the belt, no cussing, just assertively stating what I need and how I feel....I asked how he was and he said confused....he said he'd talk to me later, I said I love you...he hung up.....SO now I'm confused...what was this call all about....I reinstated some where in the conversation that I was sad, he asked why and I told him because I have changed and he has stayed the same and doesn't want a better way of life, that when he said I didn't love him because I kicked him out, I should have told him I am doing this because I love you....because I am tired of watching you hurt and hurt yourself....I said I don't think you are ready to change and I can't make you, or make that decision for you....only you can decide what you want to do.....the reason I'm confused is the way he called, like it was just another day...did he think I would beg him to come home?  did he think I had changed my mind about what kind of life I want?  I don't just get it....any ideas...

Hugs Mary

Mary - I really try to avoid the "why" questions, and focus on the "what" ones, cuz the "why" questions can drive US crazy...

However, from what you have shared - I would speculate that he was calling you, in hopes that yesterday's talk was all a bad dream, and the two of you could go back to the (unhealthy) lifestyle he wants so badly right now.... His reaction, sounds like one of disappointment, that you are not willing/wanting to stay sick with him anymore.

Just my opinion...

Way to go Mary - you sound great!

Tom

Hi Mary,

I think he was probably feeling lonely and might have just wanted to hear your voice.  As long as you keep setting the terms and re-inforcing your boundaries everything will be okay.  You are handling everything really well.  Luv Leo 

 

My husband did the same thing.. Calling like nothing was wrong wanting everything to go back.. I did as you made sure that he understood that I love him and that I will not live on the rollercoaster any longer. I think that he loves you and just wanted to hear your voice. My husband has shared how he felt all alone.. How he knew in his heart that he needed to make a change and just didnt have the strength. Give it time.. Stand your boundries you are doing the right thing. Try to remember they are sick.. Grasping at straws of what they think is a normal life. We deserve better. They deserve better .. Hugs tammy

(((((Mary)))))),

As Tom said, try to avoid the what if's, why did I?  See the irony that you did not expect the call thinking it was your kids.  Remember, we are right where we are supposed to be.  That call happened for a reason, which you may never be able to figure out.  Trust in HP.

You did great in your conversation with him.  You are holding your boundaries but telling him you still love him.  Nothing wrong with that.  Owning your feelings.

Maria123

(((((Mary))))), Who really knows why they call. I'm with Tom on avoiding the "what ifs" and "why". Take the call for what is, a phone call. Try not to dwell. I being the enternal optimist would like to think he was a bit lonely and just needed to hear your voice. Maybe he was just trying to be kind. Good for you for sticking to your boudaries. You know what? Your bad day is over and today is a new one. Hope it goes better. Hang in there. Live strong, Karilynn

Maybe he is testing the waters a little bit with you, to see if you will beg him back.  Maybe since you arent doing so, he will do what needs to be done...stay strong

Dear Mary,

Every day brings a new challenge doesn't it?  I don't believe that there is "figuring out" what is going on.  As you say, he acted just like it was another day.  I believe that until you personally have reached the point where you say, this is it, I don't want to live like this anymore... it IS just another day.  

Think of the years where you thought about how you wanted things to be, but yet just kept on going, nothing really changing... just another day.   But think about the day when something clicked within you, and you KNEW you just couldn't keep going like this anymore.  And since that point, every day has brought about a change for you.  Not just another day...  Some days are victories, some feel like setbacks.  But you're aware of what you need to do with your life and you're working toward that goal.   He obviously hasn't reached that point yet.  So I guess for him it really is JUST ANOTHER DAY.

Sounds like you're really trying to do all the right things.  It's not easy, I know!  But I know that in the long run we will be better people for taking care of us! 

(((((Hugs))))))

Ratchie