well rough weekend. Kept the focus off of me on on my A and you know where I wound up?
Parked down a dark road in my car watching his friends house to see if he was really there....As I sat there I said to myself "Self, this is unhealthy, insane behavior" and drove my private eye butt home. I read Chrissy's post earlier, about being a private eye...and geez...I could give Columbo a run for his money! I have checked phone bills...driven around in the dark of night and it has gotten me nowhere but depressed anxious and upset. I also noticed that when I, like my A, are in the throws of the "poor me's" I get agitated, can't see clearly and I wound up starting a fight with my A over the fact that he went to visit his sister, whom I have issues with due to her participating with my A gambling....why this matters? It doesn't. But I kept the focus on "him"...on "them"..not on me. It is hard to keep the focus on me. Weekends are hard..I am very much alone. I really don't have too many friends around to do things with and it depresses me. And that leads me to feeling sorry for myself which leads me to unhealthy behavior. Yesterday was a good day....i was busy...my stepdaughter came to visit. My gf came over with her kids and we made Halloween cookies....I finished decorating my bathroom....and you know what...I didn't think about my A all day.... just wanted to share...
marmare said
Oct 11, 2005
When I started becoming really isolated from everyone, my behavior was crazy....since weekend mornings were the worst, nothing like smelling stale booze from the night before first thing in the morning. I decided to get up and drive 25 minutes to the beach and go rocking...it was very nice, I got quiet time, fresh air, and I believe that is where I realized that I needed to make some changes....start finding new things and interests...
Hugs Mary
Karilynn said
Oct 11, 2005
Kim,
Sorry you had a rough weekend. But at least you are recognizing the destructive behavior. Cut yourself some slack, and learn from this. We all slip. By chance do you have a sponsor or someone you can call when you start to feel this way? From reading your post you told yourself that this was unhealthy. At least you see that. Mary's right about becoming isolated. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. Our minds go a mile a minute.
If he has a pattern of going out on weekends, and you know that is the dangerous time for you., then you might try and fill those times with something else. Take Mary's suggestion about a new interest. Maybe if you fill that time with things that are important to you, it'll take the focus off of him. Just a thought.
Live strong,
Karilynn
Kim said
Oct 11, 2005
Hey Karilynn & Mary:
Thanks for your words of wisdom. Isolation seems to be my middle name. Since I am alone (no children) it is easier for me to isolate. I have not gotten a sponsor yet, and I know I need to. I feel discouraged when I attempt to make plans with people to get myself out and can't b/c they are busy with their own lives. Most of my friends at this point are coupled and I am feeling alot like the oddman out a lot of the time (poor me, I know!) At any rate, this leaves me feeling more reliant on my A. My A does not have a habit of going out on the weekends necessarily. Since his first try at sobriety he has been more of a secret pot smoker and binger (drugs) (when I have gone away). I left the weekend binges a long time ago when I set a boundary back then of not wanting to deal with it. Which led to secrets and lies. My A has been back attempting to work his program (he never really stopped going, just lying to them as well) and has now begun 90 in 90 in the past four days (a goal he sety for himself) He began outpatient treatment a month ago 3X per week. He's not even sure if he's doing it for the right reasons (for me or for him) but he's doing it. Many times when we talk about our separation he says things like "I don't want to come back unless your ready....I don't want to come back to the way things were"..he said to me tonight that my behavior this weekend leads him to believe that I'm not. And he's right. I'm not and I told him that. I told him I love him, I don't love the addict in him. But I also don't love myself. I need to do the work. I am trying but Iam a work in progress. I am not perfect. God, knows I try to be, but I'm not.
canadianguy said
Oct 11, 2005
Sounds good Kim..... yesterday sounds like great progress, and we always have to remember that we are doing the best we can, and that we ARE gonna have slips once in awhile.... Keep being kind to you, as you are taking your inventory, looking at your actions in the mirror, and making changes in YOUR life.
One thing a counselor hit home with me, with respect to the snooping for stuff on my A...... I used to look feverishly for bottles, whenever she was drunk..... If I found them, I was somehow proud of myself, and it validated my beliefs that she had been drinking..... If I did NOT find them, I didn't believer her anyways, and figured she had just hidden them better this time..... My therapist looked at me, in bewilderment, and simply asked: "if you come to the same conclusion if you find a bottle, or you don't, then what IS the point?"
Take care
Tom
sooner said
Oct 11, 2005
(((kim)))
I can really feel for where you are at...been there and done that myself. I even wire-tapped the phones. That turned out to be a disaster and I heard things that a husband should never hear their wife say. I swore I would never do that again. I went totally crazy trying to keep tabs on her. I became more of a nut than she was....sigh, all I did was make myself sick. I totally spun out of control and became a mad man.
So good luck on taking care of you and not obsessing over him! Sounds like you already know what you need to do for you. Wishing you the best!
sooner
nycbt said
Oct 12, 2005
I have probelms with playing detective. I have followed my husband around to see where he is going. I have checked the phone records when I didn't know he went one night. He finally did tell me. So I am working on this issue as well
leo said
Oct 12, 2005
I stopped playing detective about 3 months ago. I was looking for bottles in the car, smelling the diet coke(my husband is a bourbon drinker ). I thought I had achieved a lot I detached before I knew what detachment was. The result he was drinking heavier than ever without me noticing and ended up at rock bottom. He has been sober now for about 6 weeks and now drinks a non-alcoholic beer but if he leaves a can outside I go and smell that now instead. Funny how some things change but still remain the same. Looks like there is no shortage of us Columbos in the world. Luv Leo
Hello all:
well rough weekend. Kept the focus off of me on on my A and you know where I wound up?
Parked down a dark road in my car watching his friends house to see if he was really there....As I sat there I said to myself "Self, this is unhealthy, insane behavior" and drove my private eye butt home. I read Chrissy's post earlier, about being a private eye...and geez...I could give Columbo a run for his money! I have checked phone bills...driven around in the dark of night and it has gotten me nowhere but depressed anxious and upset. I also noticed that when I, like my A, are in the throws of the "poor me's" I get agitated, can't see clearly and I wound up starting a fight with my A over the fact that he went to visit his sister, whom I have issues with due to her participating with my A gambling....why this matters? It doesn't. But I kept the focus on "him"...on "them"..not on me. It is hard to keep the focus on me. Weekends are hard..I am very much alone. I really don't have too many friends around to do things with and it depresses me. And that leads me to feeling sorry for myself which leads me to unhealthy behavior. Yesterday was a good day....i was busy...my stepdaughter came to visit. My gf came over with her kids and we made Halloween cookies....I finished decorating my bathroom....and you know what...I didn't think about my A all day.... just wanted to share...
When I started becoming really isolated from everyone, my behavior was crazy....since weekend mornings were the worst, nothing like smelling stale booze from the night before first thing in the morning. I decided to get up and drive 25 minutes to the beach and go rocking...it was very nice, I got quiet time, fresh air, and I believe that is where I realized that I needed to make some changes....start finding new things and interests...
Hugs Mary
Hey Karilynn & Mary:
Thanks for your words of wisdom. Isolation seems to be my middle name. Since I am alone (no children) it is easier for me to isolate. I have not gotten a sponsor yet, and I know I need to. I feel discouraged when I attempt to make plans with people to get myself out and can't b/c they are busy with their own lives. Most of my friends at this point are coupled and I am feeling alot like the oddman out a lot of the time (poor me, I know!) At any rate, this leaves me feeling more reliant on my A. My A does not have a habit of going out on the weekends necessarily. Since his first try at sobriety he has been more of a secret pot smoker and binger (drugs) (when I have gone away). I left the weekend binges a long time ago when I set a boundary back then of not wanting to deal with it. Which led to secrets and lies. My A has been back attempting to work his program (he never really stopped going, just lying to them as well) and has now begun 90 in 90 in the past four days (a goal he sety for himself) He began outpatient treatment a month ago 3X per week. He's not even sure if he's doing it for the right reasons (for me or for him) but he's doing it. Many times when we talk about our separation he says things like "I don't want to come back unless your ready....I don't want to come back to the way things were"..he said to me tonight that my behavior this weekend leads him to believe that I'm not. And he's right. I'm not and I told him that. I told him I love him, I don't love the addict in him. But I also don't love myself. I need to do the work. I am trying but Iam a work in progress. I am not perfect. God, knows I try to be, but I'm not.
Sounds good Kim..... yesterday sounds like great progress, and we always have to remember that we are doing the best we can, and that we ARE gonna have slips once in awhile.... Keep being kind to you, as you are taking your inventory, looking at your actions in the mirror, and making changes in YOUR life.
One thing a counselor hit home with me, with respect to the snooping for stuff on my A...... I used to look feverishly for bottles, whenever she was drunk..... If I found them, I was somehow proud of myself, and it validated my beliefs that she had been drinking..... If I did NOT find them, I didn't believer her anyways, and figured she had just hidden them better this time..... My therapist looked at me, in bewilderment, and simply asked: "if you come to the same conclusion if you find a bottle, or you don't, then what IS the point?"
Take care
Tom
I have probelms with playing detective. I have followed my husband around to see where he is going. I have checked the phone records when I didn't know he went one night. He finally did tell me. So I am working on this issue as well