Can someone please explain to me why is it that everytime I start to make progress within myself, I slip and fall behind. Just the other day I did a similar thing, gave in but rectified it. Did for me instead of for him. I am trying to set some boundaries for myself towards my a. He and I as you probably know do not live together anymore.
I said to myself and to my HP that I would back away, that I would let my HP handle my a, get out of His way so the path would be clear for Him to do His work. Well last night my a called me about something and said some things that really annoyed me. Then he said well at least I'm not out all of the time doing things like you are, which insinuated that I was out screwing around or something. This all stems from the other night on the phone when I didn't feel he needed to know what I was doing in my life and didn't give him answers he wanted to hear. Which by the way I was out with my daughter but that I feel is none of his business. Rather than argue with him last night, I told him I would talk to him another time and ended the phone call there.
After about thirty seconds went by, I knew there was no way I was going to let him say those things to me and not stick up for myself. Yup..I called him back. I told him that I really didn't appreciate his calling me when he is half loaded, which usually he does, and that I felt it was very disrespectful towards me. That we split up because of his drinking and lack of control over it. That I am maintaining or at least doing my best to maintain the house, pay the bills and most of all take care of myself. I told him that I was in counseling and al-anon and trying to do the right thing in my life every single day which obviously he would not be able to relate to because he was too busy being selfish and self centered. I told him that he complains to me about having no money but always seems to be able to find a few extra dollars for the beer he wants. How every time he contacts me it is always about something he wants, never about anything but him and how sick and tired I am about the whole world evolving around him and his needs, and that I am at least trying to get better. How he doesn't give a damn about anything except himself and what is good for him and what can benefit him. How he says he misses me, the house, working in the yard, playing with the dogs and on and on but does nothing to try and get it all back. That he's still in the same position he was in when I asked him to move.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just leave well enough alone? I know that I didn't get anywhere with all that I said to him and I knew when I called him back it was because I was angry since I felt he had the upper hand over me. His response to me after all I said was Well thanks for the lecture, are you done? I was actually going to call him back again because...no I was not done. I didn't call back.
I stepped right back into the path that I promised myself and my HP I would keep out of. I feel that I let my HP down more than I let myself down and I feel horrible about that.
Maybe someday I will be able to figure it all out. I hope it's soon. Thanks all for letting me vent.
hadit
sg said
Oct 11, 2005
How many times in our relationships w/the Alcoholics in our lives have we kept quiet? Stuffed feelings and emotions only to have them come out sideways.
So you called him back. Sounds like you set some boundaries about not calling when he is drinking. You told him what you are doing for yourself and the frustrations you have regarding the relationship. Didn't sound like you were controlling, manipulating or putting ultimatiums in front of him. You simply were speaking your mind.
Now that you have done that, let Go and let God. Keep the focus on yourself and getting better.
You are doing well...don't let this take you down. It's all steps in the process.
Maria123 said
Oct 11, 2005
((((((((((((Hadit))))))))))))))),
Easy Does It Friend. You will learn through these examples. The next time you won't do it. As you grow in confidence knowing that you are doing what's right for you and your daughter and knowing that when A's speak, especially while drinking, they know not what they are talking about.
I remember as a child when my parents, who were wiser than I ever gave them credit for, told me not to do something because it was in my best interest. Well yup I did it anyway. I believe we learn from doing, from experimenting.
The key is to learn from your own experiences. Next time, you feel the urge, remember this one and let it go
Keep posting and keep coming, you are worth it.
Maria123
leo said
Oct 11, 2005
I have to say as much as this is about boundaries it is also good to let everything out. Depression is a suppression of emotions. I suffered the negative consequences of this many years ago. I tried to be the perfect mother, wife, housewife and give 110 percent to my job. Sometimes old habits die hard. You are doing great you will deal with this again and be stronger next time. Don't be so hard on yourself. Luv Leo (Alias Bree desperate housewife).
WakingUp said
Oct 11, 2005
Something they say at Al-Anon meetings concerns not being a doormat. It sounds like you did fine. Next time say it all again to him when he's sober.
KathyS said
Oct 11, 2005
Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have slip ups. The good thing is now you recognize them. You're aware of them. Pre program I was in one never ending slip up. I saw nothing unhealthy about the way I was acting. Once I found this program and began to get involved, I recognized my behaviour as being unhealthy. Awareness is the first step. That doesn't mean changing the behaviour comes easy or over night. It simply doesn't. It takes time, effort, a willingness, forgiveness of ourselves when we slip up and so on. Remember baby steps. Give yourself credit for how far you've come, instead of beating yourself up when you slip. Change takes time. Progress, not perfection.
Another thing you might want to keep in mind:
alcoholics/addicts that are in denial simply don't want to accept that their use is causing their problems. The more we point out that it is, the more they'll rebel against the idea. Try your best not to bring up his drinking whatsoever in your conversations with him. Let him come to his own conclusions about why he is where he is in his life right now. Anytime you do bring up his drinking, he will become defensive and try to turn things around on you. Allowing him this chance will only strengthen his denial. Try to make a boundry for yourself that you will not discuss his drinking at all with him. Instead of taking his inventory and giving it to him, try to keep the focus on yourself when you speak with him. Talk about what *your* doing, how *your* day was, what *your* plans are etc. The A's are SO used to us revolving our entire lives around them, that once we begin to change that behaviour it upsets their comfort level. As much as they have complained in the past that we need to leave them alone, stay out of their business, stop trying to nag and control.... yadda yadda yadda, once we DO stop focusing on them they don't like it. It's different, they're not used to it. They want our focus back on them so in the begining of using your program tools in dealing with your A, things will get worse. They will try their best to get our focus back on them either by using more, by being meaner, doing more outreageous things and so on. Don't allow that behaviour to change the course you're on. Stick to your plan and program. Once they see consistancy in us, they accept that we are serious about *our* recovery and that we mean what we say. It sets a more positive ground for them to want to seek recovery, plus we are gaining our peace back and our lives are becoming more manageable. It's a win win situation.
Hang in there, you can do this.
nmike said
Oct 11, 2005
Hi hadit,
Well, I am right where you are and am asking myself the same questions. My recovering A who moved out in June came for the weekend. We agreed to talk on a personal level. We shared recovery stuff for an hour and then went right for the jugular the next 2 hours. I thought why did I fall for this, why did I say those codependent things, why didn't I listen for my higher power like I said I was going to, why did I force him to say "I'm going for the divorce".
I think this: those A's are just as immature and manipulative as we are and know how to push the buttons to get the reaction they want to keep us at bay. I know that my HP and your HP are looking out for us. Maybe the lesson we learn is that we were imperfect this time around and have room to improve the next time around.
In support,
Nancy
canadianguy said
Oct 11, 2005
Your boundaries need to be short and direct, and for YOU.
Why not establish a boundary, and stick to it, that he is NOT to call you after he has been drinking? That way, you have every right to (politely) end any conversation, and refuse to engage in the craziness of trying to argue with an active A.
I did it with my wife, after many years of killing myself with those long, emotional talks to her, which were absolutely fruitless.
Just a suggestion...
Tom
KathyS said
Oct 11, 2005
canadianguy wrote: Why not establish a boundary, and stick to it, that he is NOT to call you after he has been drinking?
****We have to always keep in mind when setting a boundry that if it begins with *You Can't*, *If you do this than......?*, *You must or must not do........?* than that is not in effect a boundry for ourselves, but a rule for the A, all boils down to us still trying to in some way control them, just under the umbrella of a boundry this time.
A better approach, in my opinion, would be something to the effect of: *My boundry is that I will not engage in conversation with my A if he/she is drinking. Therefore if he/she calls me while drinking, I will immediatly end the conversation and not pick up the phone again.*
This is a rule you are setting for yourself. You are in complete control of it. Especially the consequence. You can either share this boundry with your A or choose not to. Sharing it doesn't affect your boundry.
Can someone please explain to me why is it that everytime I start to make progress within myself, I slip and fall behind. Just the other day I did a similar thing, gave in but rectified it. Did for me instead of for him. I am trying to set some boundaries for myself towards my a. He and I as you probably know do not live together anymore.
I said to myself and to my HP that I would back away, that I would let my HP handle my a, get out of His way so the path would be clear for Him to do His work. Well last night my a called me about something and said some things that really annoyed me. Then he said well at least I'm not out all of the time doing things like you are, which insinuated that I was out screwing around or something. This all stems from the other night on the phone when I didn't feel he needed to know what I was doing in my life and didn't give him answers he wanted to hear. Which by the way I was out with my daughter but that I feel is none of his business. Rather than argue with him last night, I told him I would talk to him another time and ended the phone call there.
After about thirty seconds went by, I knew there was no way I was going to let him say those things to me and not stick up for myself. Yup..I called him back. I told him that I really didn't appreciate his calling me when he is half loaded, which usually he does, and that I felt it was very disrespectful towards me. That we split up because of his drinking and lack of control over it. That I am maintaining or at least doing my best to maintain the house, pay the bills and most of all take care of myself. I told him that I was in counseling and al-anon and trying to do the right thing in my life every single day which obviously he would not be able to relate to because he was too busy being selfish and self centered. I told him that he complains to me about having no money but always seems to be able to find a few extra dollars for the beer he wants. How every time he contacts me it is always about something he wants, never about anything but him and how sick and tired I am about the whole world evolving around him and his needs, and that I am at least trying to get better. How he doesn't give a damn about anything except himself and what is good for him and what can benefit him. How he says he misses me, the house, working in the yard, playing with the dogs and on and on but does nothing to try and get it all back. That he's still in the same position he was in when I asked him to move.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just leave well enough alone? I know that I didn't get anywhere with all that I said to him and I knew when I called him back it was because I was angry since I felt he had the upper hand over me. His response to me after all I said was Well thanks for the lecture, are you done? I was actually going to call him back again because...no I was not done. I didn't call back.
I stepped right back into the path that I promised myself and my HP I would keep out of. I feel that I let my HP down more than I let myself down and I feel horrible about that.
Maybe someday I will be able to figure it all out. I hope it's soon. Thanks all for letting me vent.
hadit
((((((((((((Hadit))))))))))))))),
Easy Does It Friend. You will learn through these examples. The next time you won't do it. As you grow in confidence knowing that you are doing what's right for you and your daughter and knowing that when A's speak, especially while drinking, they know not what they are talking about.
I remember as a child when my parents, who were wiser than I ever gave them credit for, told me not to do something because it was in my best interest. Well yup I did it anyway. I believe we learn from doing, from experimenting.
The key is to learn from your own experiences. Next time, you feel the urge, remember this one and let it go
Keep posting and keep coming, you are worth it.
Maria123
Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have slip ups. The good thing is now you recognize them. You're aware of them. Pre program I was in one never ending slip up. I saw nothing unhealthy about the way I was acting. Once I found this program and began to get involved, I recognized my behaviour as being unhealthy. Awareness is the first step. That doesn't mean changing the behaviour comes easy or over night. It simply doesn't. It takes time, effort, a willingness, forgiveness of ourselves when we slip up and so on. Remember baby steps. Give yourself credit for how far you've come, instead of beating yourself up when you slip. Change takes time. Progress, not perfection.
Another thing you might want to keep in mind:
alcoholics/addicts that are in denial simply don't want to accept that their use is causing their problems. The more we point out that it is, the more they'll rebel against the idea. Try your best not to bring up his drinking whatsoever in your conversations with him. Let him come to his own conclusions about why he is where he is in his life right now. Anytime you do bring up his drinking, he will become defensive and try to turn things around on you. Allowing him this chance will only strengthen his denial. Try to make a boundry for yourself that you will not discuss his drinking at all with him. Instead of taking his inventory and giving it to him, try to keep the focus on yourself when you speak with him. Talk about what *your* doing, how *your* day was, what *your* plans are etc. The A's are SO used to us revolving our entire lives around them, that once we begin to change that behaviour it upsets their comfort level. As much as they have complained in the past that we need to leave them alone, stay out of their business, stop trying to nag and control.... yadda yadda yadda, once we DO stop focusing on them they don't like it. It's different, they're not used to it. They want our focus back on them so in the begining of using your program tools in dealing with your A, things will get worse. They will try their best to get our focus back on them either by using more, by being meaner, doing more outreageous things and so on. Don't allow that behaviour to change the course you're on. Stick to your plan and program. Once they see consistancy in us, they accept that we are serious about *our* recovery and that we mean what we say. It sets a more positive ground for them to want to seek recovery, plus we are gaining our peace back and our lives are becoming more manageable. It's a win win situation.
Hang in there, you can do this.
Hi hadit,
Well, I am right where you are and am asking myself the same questions. My recovering A who moved out in June came for the weekend. We agreed to talk on a personal level. We shared recovery stuff for an hour and then went right for the jugular the next 2 hours. I thought why did I fall for this, why did I say those codependent things, why didn't I listen for my higher power like I said I was going to, why did I force him to say "I'm going for the divorce".
I think this: those A's are just as immature and manipulative as we are and know how to push the buttons to get the reaction they want to keep us at bay. I know that my HP and your HP are looking out for us. Maybe the lesson we learn is that we were imperfect this time around and have room to improve the next time around.
In support,
Nancy
Your boundaries need to be short and direct, and for YOU.
Why not establish a boundary, and stick to it, that he is NOT to call you after he has been drinking? That way, you have every right to (politely) end any conversation, and refuse to engage in the craziness of trying to argue with an active A.
I did it with my wife, after many years of killing myself with those long, emotional talks to her, which were absolutely fruitless.
Just a suggestion...
Tom
****We have to always keep in mind when setting a boundry that if it begins with *You Can't*, *If you do this than......?*, *You must or must not do........?* than that is not in effect a boundry for ourselves, but a rule for the A, all boils down to us still trying to in some way control them, just under the umbrella of a boundry this time.
A better approach, in my opinion, would be something to the effect of: *My boundry is that I will not engage in conversation with my A if he/she is drinking. Therefore if he/she calls me while drinking, I will immediatly end the conversation and not pick up the phone again.*
This is a rule you are setting for yourself. You are in complete control of it. Especially the consequence. You can either share this boundry with your A or choose not to. Sharing it doesn't affect your boundry.