Well I've decided that it is time for a necessary change!
I talked to my husband of 20 years yesterday and he told me he has no plans on ever stopping drinking. He told me he knows I cannot handle his drinking. I have decided that if he still cannot see beyond his bottle.. and it doesn't bother him the pain he is causing me and more importantly his children... it is time for me to move on.
I had a 3 hour talk with my 16 and 17 year old children. We talked about the possiblily of this happening about a month ago. They had a lot of quesitons... logistics.... money.... how do I tell him... what will he do...etc. They asked about a time frame and I told them that I would have my final talk with my A probably between a week and a month. They are concerned about their father and what will happen to him and I kept explaining that I don't know what will happen to him but his future is in HIS hands and there is nothing we can do for him. They understand that he is the only one who can change himself. But it is still hard for them (and me too).
One of their questions which I'm still not sure of the answer is "How will you tell him... will you pack a bag for him and tell him to get out or will you give him a day or a week to leave?" That was something I really hadn't planned on yet and it stumps me. I know I will not pack a bag for him but I somewhat expect him to leave faily quickly. I am hoping that he will leave peacefully (otherwise my kids are prepared to leave with me). If anyone has been through this part I could use some ESH as to how you asked your A to leave.
I feel very releived that I have come to this decision. It is like a weight is lifted. Now I know I have a lot of work to do before I get to my final talk. I have to prepare myself and my children for this change. I could use any ESH on how people have prepared to be on their own... I would be grateful. I am giving myself the time I need to prepare... I won't rush this but it is a comfort knowing where will be going... even though there will be a lot of unknowns before, during and after this happens. I have a future to look forward to for me and my kids and that makes me happy!
marmare said
Oct 9, 2005
((((((((((sandie))))))))))) Thought you could use a big hug!!!! Last week when I asked my A to leave, the words just came to me....I said "we need to talk" he said "about what?" I said "you have to leave, I am choosing not to live like this anymore" He said "okay"...I was shocked and almost withdrew my words but knew then and now, it is what we need. I didn't want to have the same long drawn out conversations which have taken so much of our time over the past few years. My brain had the contanst saying going through it for a week or so..."Nothing changes unless something changes" I don't know if it is permanant and to be honest I hope it's not but I am will to accept whatever happens. Hang in there. You are doing right by being open with your children.
Hugs Mary
Powerless said
Oct 10, 2005
You are showing a lot of strength and courage. I asked my A to leave about 8 months ago, repeatedly. He is still here. I have decided that it is time for me to go. I plan on leaving this week. I wish I had a little more time to plan and prepare and save some money, but I am afrain this opportunity will not show itself again. Do you have a plan ready in case he won't leave...a place to stay, some money set aside.....
sg said
Oct 10, 2005
(((sandie))) I can't offer any suggestions as how to approach this w/your A., since I haven't particularly been in this exact situation. But I wanted to give you a big hug and let you know how proud I am of you for taking care of yourself and your children.
Karilynn said
Oct 10, 2005
((((Sandie123)))),
It takes a great deal of courage to change. Wow! Are you strong. Good for you for knowing what you want, and what is best for you and your children.
I haven't been through what you are going through. It was a little different with my A. We decided that if he relapsed once more during the first year, that he would live in a halfway house. He didn't want to put me through what his exwife and children went through. I knew that I couldn't live with it.
All I can do is send you love and support through all of this. I think when the timing is right, your instinct will kick in and you'll find the words to talk to him. Somehow we always do.
Live strong,
Karilynn
Ratchie said
Oct 10, 2005
Dear Sandie,
I too had to come to a decision recently. I sat down and wrote out a letter to my husband with my thoughts and feelings in it. The reason I wrote it down was so I could read through it, without getting side-tracked, or let him turn the tables on me. I told him that he needed to seek help, or I would not be able to stay in the relationship as it stood. I then summoned up enough courage to read it to him one day. Of course there was denial, etc on his part.
I let him stew about it for a few days. Then he approached me and said HE wanted to talk. We did the usual round & round (going nowhere!) discussion/fight. Finally he said he wanted to go see a marriage counselor. BUT... I felt that he was saying that in order to continue in the same cycle we've been through countless times. When I asked him several questions, and based on his responses, I knew that he really didn't want to see the counselor for our MARRIAGE, but in order to keep "status quo", rather than to have to face his own demons.
I did ask him to leave so that my daughters and I could stay in our home. He agreed without much of a fight at all. I think that deep down he realizes that he has chosen his own life, and how he wants to live.
Best wishes on whatever you decide to do. We're here for you.
Love,
Ratchie
nycbt said
Oct 11, 2005
It is good that you are thinking about your family and you. You are important.
I talked to my husband of 20 years yesterday and he told me he has no plans on ever stopping drinking. He told me he knows I cannot handle his drinking. I have decided that if he still cannot see beyond his bottle.. and it doesn't bother him the pain he is causing me and more importantly his children... it is time for me to move on.
I had a 3 hour talk with my 16 and 17 year old children. We talked about the possiblily of this happening about a month ago. They had a lot of quesitons... logistics.... money.... how do I tell him... what will he do...etc. They asked about a time frame and I told them that I would have my final talk with my A probably between a week and a month. They are concerned about their father and what will happen to him and I kept explaining that I don't know what will happen to him but his future is in HIS hands and there is nothing we can do for him. They understand that he is the only one who can change himself. But it is still hard for them (and me too).
One of their questions which I'm still not sure of the answer is "How will you tell him... will you pack a bag for him and tell him to get out or will you give him a day or a week to leave?" That was something I really hadn't planned on yet and it stumps me. I know I will not pack a bag for him but I somewhat expect him to leave faily quickly. I am hoping that he will leave peacefully (otherwise my kids are prepared to leave with me). If anyone has been through this part I could use some ESH as to how you asked your A to leave.
I feel very releived that I have come to this decision. It is like a weight is lifted. Now I know I have a lot of work to do before I get to my final talk. I have to prepare myself and my children for this change. I could use any ESH on how people have prepared to be on their own... I would be grateful. I am giving myself the time I need to prepare... I won't rush this but it is a comfort knowing where will be going... even though there will be a lot of unknowns before, during and after this happens. I have a future to look forward to for me and my kids and that makes me happy!
((((((((((sandie))))))))))) Thought you could use a big hug!!!! Last week when I asked my A to leave, the words just came to me....I said "we need to talk" he said "about what?" I said "you have to leave, I am choosing not to live like this anymore" He said "okay"...I was shocked and almost withdrew my words but knew then and now, it is what we need. I didn't want to have the same long drawn out conversations which have taken so much of our time over the past few years. My brain had the contanst saying going through it for a week or so..."Nothing changes unless something changes" I don't know if it is permanant and to be honest I hope it's not but I am will to accept whatever happens. Hang in there. You are doing right by being open with your children.
Hugs Mary
You are showing a lot of strength and courage. I asked my A to leave about 8 months ago, repeatedly. He is still here. I have decided that it is time for me to go. I plan on leaving this week. I wish I had a little more time to plan and prepare and save some money, but I am afrain this opportunity will not show itself again. Do you have a plan ready in case he won't leave...a place to stay, some money set aside.....
Dear Sandie,
I too had to come to a decision recently. I sat down and wrote out a letter to my husband with my thoughts and feelings in it. The reason I wrote it down was so I could read through it, without getting side-tracked, or let him turn the tables on me. I told him that he needed to seek help, or I would not be able to stay in the relationship as it stood. I then summoned up enough courage to read it to him one day. Of course there was denial, etc on his part.
I let him stew about it for a few days. Then he approached me and said HE wanted to talk. We did the usual round & round (going nowhere!) discussion/fight. Finally he said he wanted to go see a marriage counselor. BUT... I felt that he was saying that in order to continue in the same cycle we've been through countless times. When I asked him several questions, and based on his responses, I knew that he really didn't want to see the counselor for our MARRIAGE, but in order to keep "status quo", rather than to have to face his own demons.
I did ask him to leave so that my daughters and I could stay in our home. He agreed without much of a fight at all. I think that deep down he realizes that he has chosen his own life, and how he wants to live.
Best wishes on whatever you decide to do. We're here for you.
Love,
Ratchie