Hi Everyone,

You would think after living with an "A" for 38 years I would have this figured out but I really don't know why. I have always got mad and angry with my husband when he starts drinking and I'm the same way with my daughter.

I talked to her yesterday morning she seemed okay, a little down but was going to clean house and get ready for her new job today.  I called several times because she had wanted to borrow a few things from me like my vacuum etc.  she never came or called all day, all last night and again this morning.  I thought she should be up getting ready for work it was 9:30, still no answer so I thought I'd better drive over and she if she was okay.  Well she was, she was really depressed she had been drinking yesterday. alone and wouldn't answer the phone.

  I still felt bad for her she was so down she said she just has this hopeless feeling all the time.  I again told her she is never going to feel any better or get anywhere unless she pulls up her socks and starts to do things and work on getting the kids back.  She said "I know Mom".  She said she was coming for dinner around 5 O'clock so I went on.

A couple of hours later I went to start dinner and had to phone her because she had my roaster, no answer,  so I drove back again.  There she was drinking again, she called it something. I guess it was to get over yesterdays drunk, I never did understand that either.  I told her if she was going to be drunk not to bother coming, " Oh, no I won't be" she said.  I went on I was so mad I could have slapped her face but this morning I wanted to hold her and help her.  I was doing good detaching myself but here I am back at the same old fustration again.  Why do I get like that?  I just hate her when she's drinking, she becomes so happy and not a care in the world, she knows everything, preaches, won't listen.  She's worst than her father he's pretty quite when he's drinking just tell me the same thing 20 times. Her job? She phoned and made up some excuse and now is suppose to start Tuesday.  My feelings are so mixed, now I'm so mad I'd like to tell her to just stay home or go where ever.  I wish I could deal with this better. Any suggestions anyone?

Sandy

I find that I get angry when I expect something from someone.  I either expect them to do or not to do something.  When they do things their way I get angry.  I learned through alanon notto have expectations of people and then they cannot let me down.

They say "expectations are just premeditated resentments." I have also found that the phone can be my worst enemy. Sometimes it is better just to not make that call -go buy one of those two dollar tinfoil roasters instead.

 

"I still felt bad for her she was so down she said she just has this hopeless feeling all the time.  I again told her she is never going to feel any better or get anywhere unless she pulls up her socks and starts to do things and work on getting the kids back"

"she becomes so happy and not a care in the world, she knows everything, preaches, won't listen."

This is the nature of the disease...  they feel so badly about themselves, they choose to cope by obliterating their minds...  once there of course they "are happy" they are FUBAR - drunk!  And we all know, you cannot talk to a person that is drunk & they cannot hear you at all.  Talking to a drunk person is pointless - and they never remember, in fact the lie about what they do & say.  I often wished I had a video camera for my ex-husband & my step-father, because if they could have seen it whith their own eyes -- oh, they would just deny it & say I dubbed their voice or something.

They fear facing their Souls to the point that -- I don't know, unfortunately & crushingly many A's end up institutionalized, in jail or death.

My only hope of that horrible painful truth is that we are all free, made in God's image we have choices & our lives & personal experience with God is our each of us.  I own that today & I am open & willing to be molded into the kind of person God wants me to be.  In that, I know that there is hope for me today, to change myself, my life, I can be a jopyous loving person...  that doesn't mean feeding into my A's guilt, anger or fear. 

I have posted this several times, the pamphlet: A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic - has been so helpful, I have to read it at least 4 times before it began to sunk in (pgs 4 & 5) since I had been unwittingly feeding into the dynamic of this disease the majority of my life.

It reads: ' the alcoholic controls the family by his 2 main weapons...  being able to provoke anxiety & anger in the family' & this justifies them to continue to drink again & again.

I am desperately clinging to gain my life back...  I want to be a human being, not a human sucked into doing relationships with ppl that don't even care about themselves! 

Also, I know that I count on myself, I won't let myself down, I can & do trust myself.

Before I ever came to this program, my entire focus was on my A.  Every thought in my head somehow contained him.  Everything I did thoughts of him still swan around my mind.  I got pregnant with twins pretty early on in our relationship.  I had always worked.  I enjoyed working and I enjoyed earning my own money.  Long story short, I had the twins prematurely and ended up not having a choice but to be out of work for a while.  While my A earns great money and has his own business, when he's actively using he can also spend great money.  When I tried to go back to work he made it near impossible.  The cost of daycare was outrageaous and I couldn't afford it on my own.  He didnt' want me working, felt I should stay home with the kids.  This situation caused alot of arguing in our home.  Here he wanted me and the kids to be totally dependend on him, yet at the time he was totally undependable.  This situation was the begining of my thoughts constantly obsessing on him.  Was he going to complete his job today and bring home the money, or was he going to stay out getting high?  Would he pay the bills or not?  This thought pattern lasted for two years until I found this program.

It reminded me of how someone coming out of a cult has to be de brainwashed or whatever they call it.  When I started attending meetings and everyone was telling me to put the focus on myself and get it off him, I just couldn't see how.  I mean, he had been my focus for so long and since he was  our sole provider, I HAD to focus on him, didn't I?  It seemed noone understood how different my situation was.  How I NEEDED to be all up in his business to make sure he did the right thing.  Lord, there were even times when I'd go to work with him and sit in the hot truck while he took down trees just to ensure the money would end up in my hand and going toward the bills.  It wasn't until I heard it over and over, enough times that it began to sink in.  I really was as obsessed with him and what he was doing as he was at the time with his using.  I was as sick as him, only difference was I was behaving this way sober. 

If we expect to have any peace whatsoever in our lives we need to change how *we* behave, think, react etc.  It's our only choice.  My 19 year old daughter is also an addict.  Not as bad as my husband.......but she's young and we all know unless they find recovery this disease is progressive and only gets worse.  I do find it's harder at times to not obsess over her, or try to be in her business.  I assume it's because she is my child and no matter how old she is I still feel she's my responsibility. 

I guess after all this rambling, my only suggestion for you is this:

Try your best to remember that any time you help her do anything at all that she should be able to do for herself you are hurting her.  You're not only enabling her, but your robbing her of the chance to accomplish something all on her own.  My sponsor told me early on that more anons (us) kill addicts than drugs kill addicts.  She asked me why I kept helping my A and trying to save him from the negative consequences that were necessary in order for him to ever recover from this disease.  I told her I helped him and tried my best to protect him because I saw the pain he was in and I loved him.  She asked me if I wanted to love him to death?  Well, I had never looked at it like that before.  That mindset is what made it very easy for me to stop enabling him in all ways.  It made it easy to set boundries.  It made it easy to detach from his disease without detaching from him as a person.  Also, when we get busy we get better.  Not sure if you go to f2f meetings or not, but if not this would be a good time to start.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  Since we are the only ones we can change, we might as well start with ourselves.  There's a great Al Anon book called Getting them Sober.  The name is decietful since we know we're not able to accomplish that.  But what it does show us is how we can retain our sanity and peace while loving an A, and also how we can create the best possible atmoshphere whereby they just might decide to seek recovery.  I'd highly recommend it.

Sandy, This is going to sound a bit wierd, but bear with me. Are you angry at her? Her disease and what it does to her? Or is there a part you that's angry at yourself for not being able to help her? All of the above, I'm guessing. That's natural. Eventhough you know the drill from living with your husband, a child is a totally different thing. While I don't have children, I can't imagine what it would be like. I can only imagine how I would feel if it were my nieces. We are incredibly close. At times they come to me when they are not comfortable talking to their mother. At some point, your daughter has to grow up and take responsibility for her own life. If she counts on you to check in on her, or call her to make sure she's up to go to work then she'll never learn to fend for herself. This sounds harsh, and I'm sorry. But she's not under your roof. What she does, in many ways is of no concern of yours. I'm not saying turn your back on her. But it's about love with detachment. When my A relapsed he wouldn't call into his outpatient councelor to tell them that he would be missing class. He asked me to do it. Why should I? I refused. If he didn't call in, then he would get kicked out. He had no choice. It was the first step in setting boundaries. It's okay to be angry at the disease. I hate what it has done to my A. I still get angry at it. It's insidious! I try not to get angry at him. It has become easier since he is in a halfway house. But I had to let him go in order for him to start recovering. It's been a bumpy year. I'm learning not to take care of him so much. I don't ask him any longer if he has paid off his ticket from the accident. He knows he can't come to me for the money for it. He knows the consequences of not paying it off. He's an adult. So is your daughter. Keep being good to yourself. Live strong, Karilynn

I agree with Karilyn, esp since I'm so newly back to the program again.  I leanred all of this stuff when I was 18 - thought I "knew it all" & w/out practise, the program slipped away.

Shoot to 19 years later & I'm like a newbie all over again, having to re-learn the same old lessons.

For an entire month I was on fire I was so resenting myself & angry "that I got suckered into being the whipping post, scape goat, enabler, co-dep) but I had to forgive myself for being human, give it all to HP & let it go.

Now I am a lot less angry at my dad, I have actually been able to look at him ('cause for a while the thought of seeing him made my blood boil - I wanted to rip him to bits & pieces) but I can see him as suffering & not be "guilted" into helping him one bit - he certainly wasn't ever having my best interest at heart.

Today I actually sent him a loving & nice e-mail of ESH, something I NEVER would have done in the past.

The program works & things actually do get better - do nice & considerate things for yourself.  

I understand your anger completly.  I suffer from it myself.  Everyone keeps telling me its from having expectations.  If you expect nothing than there is nothing to get upset about.  Easier said then done.

 

bd

 I often wished I had a video camera for my ex-husband & my step-father, because if they could have seen it whith their own eyes -- oh, they would just deny it & say I dubbed their voice or something.

---

I tried that once, left the camera running on a dresser, while my husband was drunk and belligerant. I showed it to my husband the next day when he was not drinking. he told me that the video just proved he was sober and that I was wrong to accuse him.

They see what they want, and proving it means nothing, it is just even more frustrating to hear them deny it while it is right in front of their faces.

                                       Jeannie