When do we stop trying to help the A's in our life. Will I ever truly learn to let go? I always feel the need to extend my help and feel I'm turning my back it i don't. I understand the term detachment but can it really be achieved especially when an A is a parent. I keep staring at the phone...even though they don't call to see how I'm doing....i feel this horrible guilt that I should be calling them. Are these feelings normal.
bd
kismetstrand said
Oct 9, 2005
Hi (((((bd))))))
I'd like to share a quote on detachment with love that a woman in my ftf (face to face) group gave me: "Detach from the problem, but not from the person. The purpose of emotional detachment is to keep myself from drawing into crises of others."
What this means to me is, I can still show love and caring, but when it comes to helping or fixing problems the person has, then I keep my hands off. Everyone needs to learn how to deal with the everyday issues that come up in life. For example: my son is of an age where he needs to pay rent and his car insurance. If he spends his money on eating out, movies, etc. and then has no money left to pay the necessities...well, if I bail him out, he will never learn how to budget his money. Instead he will always be looking for a "handout" to fix his problems (which were self-inflicted to begin with) and he will always be in the hole owing more money. I can still love and care for him, I can talk with him and offer suggestions to him on how to manage better, but if he chooses to continue doing the same things which put him into that money hole then he needs to pay the consequences of those choices so that he can hopefully learn to choose more wisely in the future. My helping/fixing the problem is no favor to him. The loving thing to do is to treat him as the adult he is and allow him the dignity of of living his life the way he is going to live it. Of course I hope he makes the right decisions, but those decisions are his to make, not mine.
Someone who is always bailed out of their problems by others does not get the opportunity to look at themself and say "gee, i'm in a fix here, maybe I need to figure out how to do things differently so that my life is not always all messed up." I personally would rather just offer suggestions on how they can help themself and then leave it at that. Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can eat for a lifetime.
Keep coming back, glad you are here!
WakingUp said
Oct 9, 2005
Lots of wisdom in Kismet's post. I'm new & struggle with this too. The best thing an old-timer said to me to really convince me is to "allow the A the dignity of their own choices". Of course that implies that they have the "dignity" of their own consequences too. When I make mistakes in my own life, I'd usually like the dignity of making my own choices but would prefer not to have the consequences. That's a human thing, and I imagine our As feel that way too. Unfortunately or fortunately, life on life's terms means that things don't generally work that way. It is hard to watch other people suffer. If we focus on ourselves, though, and keep turning our own lives and our As over to our HPs, we can be happier. It is then up to our As to look at their own consequences and decide if that is working for them. It works if you work it, but this can be a tough principle to implement.
{{{{{{[bd}}}}}}
Emmie11 said
Oct 9, 2005
Hi bd,
When I stopped, it was when I realized my alcoholic father's life was not getting better through the tireless expense of my efforts and energy, and my own life had become hardly a life at all. I had reached a point of desperation where the choice was between continuing to try to force him to live the way I thought was right, or let him make his own choice and learn to live myself.
That was long before I found Al-Anon and I will tell you that you that when I stopped helping him, I did not stop resenting the efforts I had already made, which became as great a hindrance to my quality of life as meddling in other people's affairs. At that time I detached bitterly, and not with love. After a lot more struggling and difficulty, I found my way into these rooms. By using the tools this program provides, reading a lot, attending tons of meetings, listening in meetings and sometimes sharing, and staying in contact with my Al-Anon friends between meetings, I came to an important realization: I was worth my own effort and energy, and my own life was a life worth saving. I had lived for 34 years defining myself by my caretaking of others, and really believed that unless I was helping someone else, I had no value. Today I know the reverse is true. I cannot truly be a help to anyone unless I heal myself first. The more I took the shattering strength of my focus and attention off of my loved ones' lives and put it on myself, the less pressure they felt, the less they had my constant nagging to blame, and the better they got. And because I was using my energy on me, I got better too. My life today does not even remotely resemble my pre Al-Anon life, but that is only if I am working my program and staying spiritually fit. It is hard work, but well worth it.
The reading for today (10/9) in the ODAT might be helpful to you. Also, remember what it means to detach: Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her. And something my sponsor had me do was pray for the willingness to let go of the character defects that were blocking my way into my HP's will, or to reveal them to me as defects if I was not aware of them so I could address them and make progress.
Good luck, you are in the right place, and if you keep coming back you will be on the other side of this one day!
emmie
-- Edited by Emmie11 at 19:01, 2005-10-09
Karilynn said
Oct 9, 2005
Bd,
I will never turn my back on my A. He is the love of my life. However, I will (and have) stop letting his disease control my life.
It's not turning your back on them. It's letting them find their way. Detachment doesn't mean you stop loving or caring about the person. It means you have to let them figure out for themselves. They're adults. The addiction clouds their thinking. But you can't do it for them.
Cut yourself some slack about not calling them. But lower your expectations about them calling you. There are very few expectations, if any, when it comes to an addict.
The feelings you have are very normal. Whatever "normal" is? You are not alone in this. We're here for you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
Hi group
When do we stop trying to help the A's in our life. Will I ever truly learn to let go? I always feel the need to extend my help and feel I'm turning my back it i don't. I understand the term detachment but can it really be achieved especially when an A is a parent. I keep staring at the phone...even though they don't call to see how I'm doing....i feel this horrible guilt that I should be calling them. Are these feelings normal.
bd
Hi (((((bd))))))
I'd like to share a quote on detachment with love that a woman in my ftf (face to face) group gave me: "Detach from the problem, but not from the person. The purpose of emotional detachment is to keep myself from drawing into crises of others."
What this means to me is, I can still show love and caring, but when it comes to helping or fixing problems the person has, then I keep my hands off. Everyone needs to learn how to deal with the everyday issues that come up in life. For example: my son is of an age where he needs to pay rent and his car insurance. If he spends his money on eating out, movies, etc. and then has no money left to pay the necessities...well, if I bail him out, he will never learn how to budget his money. Instead he will always be looking for a "handout" to fix his problems (which were self-inflicted to begin with) and he will always be in the hole owing more money. I can still love and care for him, I can talk with him and offer suggestions to him on how to manage better, but if he chooses to continue doing the same things which put him into that money hole then he needs to pay the consequences of those choices so that he can hopefully learn to choose more wisely in the future. My helping/fixing the problem is no favor to him. The loving thing to do is to treat him as the adult he is and allow him the dignity of of living his life the way he is going to live it. Of course I hope he makes the right decisions, but those decisions are his to make, not mine.
Someone who is always bailed out of their problems by others does not get the opportunity to look at themself and say "gee, i'm in a fix here, maybe I need to figure out how to do things differently so that my life is not always all messed up." I personally would rather just offer suggestions on how they can help themself and then leave it at that. Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can eat for a lifetime.
Keep coming back, glad you are here!
Lots of wisdom in Kismet's post. I'm new & struggle with this too. The best thing an old-timer said to me to really convince me is to "allow the A the dignity of their own choices". Of course that implies that they have the "dignity" of their own consequences too. When I make mistakes in my own life, I'd usually like the dignity of making my own choices but would prefer not to have the consequences. That's a human thing, and I imagine our As feel that way too. Unfortunately or fortunately, life on life's terms means that things don't generally work that way. It is hard to watch other people suffer. If we focus on ourselves, though, and keep turning our own lives and our As over to our HPs, we can be happier. It is then up to our As to look at their own consequences and decide if that is working for them. It works if you work it, but this can be a tough principle to implement.
{{{{{{[bd}}}}}}
Hi bd,
When I stopped, it was when I realized my alcoholic father's life was not getting better through the tireless expense of my efforts and energy, and my own life had become hardly a life at all. I had reached a point of desperation where the choice was between continuing to try to force him to live the way I thought was right, or let him make his own choice and learn to live myself.
That was long before I found Al-Anon and I will tell you that you that when I stopped helping him, I did not stop resenting the efforts I had already made, which became as great a hindrance to my quality of life as meddling in other people's affairs. At that time I detached bitterly, and not with love. After a lot more struggling and difficulty, I found my way into these rooms. By using the tools this program provides, reading a lot, attending tons of meetings, listening in meetings and sometimes sharing, and staying in contact with my Al-Anon friends between meetings, I came to an important realization: I was worth my own effort and energy, and my own life was a life worth saving. I had lived for 34 years defining myself by my caretaking of others, and really believed that unless I was helping someone else, I had no value. Today I know the reverse is true. I cannot truly be a help to anyone unless I heal myself first. The more I took the shattering strength of my focus and attention off of my loved ones' lives and put it on myself, the less pressure they felt, the less they had my constant nagging to blame, and the better they got. And because I was using my energy on me, I got better too. My life today does not even remotely resemble my pre Al-Anon life, but that is only if I am working my program and staying spiritually fit. It is hard work, but well worth it.
The reading for today (10/9) in the ODAT might be helpful to you. Also, remember what it means to detach: Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her. And something my sponsor had me do was pray for the willingness to let go of the character defects that were blocking my way into my HP's will, or to reveal them to me as defects if I was not aware of them so I could address them and make progress.
Good luck, you are in the right place, and if you keep coming back you will be on the other side of this one day!
emmie
-- Edited by Emmie11 at 19:01, 2005-10-09