Hi all! I know I haven't written in awhile, but my A is pretty much on the computer constantly looking for a job. I hope everyone is doing well. I really need everyone right now. I am having terrible problems at work-which I won't go into, except to say it is harassment, and I am planning on speaking to a lawyer. I am unsure as what to do regarding my A. Last night, we had a fight that got physical. He pushed me, and punched me in the head. Our fights had never been like that before. But that didn't hurt like the words he was saying to me, which I will not repeat. But they hurt, really bad. Tonight he came home from work, and had Arby's and was being really nice to me.  He didn't apologize though. Not that it would matter if he did. He then asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow night, and I said I had wanted to go out for his friends birthday tonight. He said he was going to go out tonight with his friends-the one who is having a birthday. He said that if he got too drunk he'd call for a ride home, or to let me know he was staying at his friends house. I told him I would come get him. I am afraid he will not call though. I have been down this road before with him, although he has not stayed out and not called in a REALLY long time. I can't do it again. I get so anxious, and so upset, and I don't know how to handle it when I get that way. it is a panic attack I believe. I will worry about it all night. I have said to myself that if he doesn't come home I will take the kids and not be here when he returns in the morning, but I say that now. I don't think I have the courage to do it.

I basically am just almost at the point where I am done with it. I love him so much, but I am emotionally drained from fighting and worrying about him. Between my work, and him, I feel totally hopeless. I feel worthless, and stupid.  He says such mean things in arguments, that I think to myself "why wouldn't he cheat on me? why would he even want to be with me?" (he has never cheated on me-I don't think anyway) I don't know what to do, or how to decide what to do.  I am so scared of losing him, and I don't know why. Maybe it is because my self esteem is shot. I don't know. I put a smile on, or try to, and say everything is ok, when it is not. Because I don't want to fight. It also occured to me tonight, that he only offered to take me out tomorrow and was being nice to me b/c he wanted to go out tonight. Not b/c he was sorry about what he did. Not because he WANTED to spend time with me. It was to shut me up.  He had known I wanted to go out tonight for the birthday since last week, but had said he would probably be working, so don't worry about it. So I didn't make arrangements for a babysitter. I can't describe how that made me feel. I guess just like going out with me was to appease me, and for no other reason.  If anyone has any advice, or kind words or anything, I am all ears. Thank you all for letting me vent.

Leah 

i have been exactly where you are too many times. i understand more then you know.i am still with my a because i love him and believe in him. he is struggling in trying to stay sober but i know it is not in my hands. only god can help him as well as himself. i too go through extreme panic attacks when he is not here and i know he's drinking/ doing drugs. but now i found this site and it is really helping me to get the focus off him and onto me. i just wanted to let you know you are not alone and i really truely know how you feel

Hi,

I read your post and I am concerned for your safety.  The fact that you are now being subject to violence is significant.  If you are worried about leaving can you please make contact through this board with John and he may be able to advise on an agency you can contact in your area for immediate help.  There will be someone there for you who is only a phone call away.  You are loved and important, stay with us and keep posting we are here for you.  I am sure there will be members here who can also give you valuable information.  Stay safe and look after you and the kids first.

 

Luv Leo

 

Luv Leo

oh leah I remember feeling as you do. You are in the perfect place to learn the skills to stop this draining of your heart and energy!! Did you get the book,"Getting Them Sober?" Please do!!! You can get it online too. I find them in used book stores. If you cannot afford one, tell me and i will hunt for one for you. I have sent them all over the world!! Ok I hear ya say, i don't want to argue, i don't want to fight, I don't want to worry and be anxious so stop. just simply STOP!! It does not have to be such a difficult, thing. I found, for me, I did not like my negative thoughts about myself, so I said stop and put in I am ok just how I am. It took awhile, months, then all of a sudden the negative crap stopped and I really like me now. The A is not saying those horrible things. Though it is hard to hear, turn it around, he/she is saying it to themselves. It is not your loved one talking. He is being controlled by a horrible disease, this is where a person detaches. It is not your loved one talking, it is the disease. So why listen? I never know who has read my stuff, but anyway when my A says stupid stuff, I think or say, oh it's you. I shut off all attention to him the disease. I see a round pink wad of cancer yapping like those pac mans. I have NO interest in what it says,nor do I give it any energy. I love my A husband very much. Though he is no where near who he was when we got married. I had to learn to be completely independant of him, yet share and enjoy him when I can. When he is messed up I focus away from him. I believe it would be rare to be able to be married to an A and depend on them for financial things, vehicles, shelter etc. and be happy. For me it is enough that he is alive and that he has days of sobriety. Also that i get to enjoy him, when he feels good. I stopped analyzing everything. What does it matter. I just accept things as they are. I mean ya cannot change it anyway. will he come home? what will i do when he gets home, should i leave, should i stay...STOP I am going to take a shower, I am going to watch a movie, I am going to eat as much ice cream as i want....I I I I....the person we need to be the best friend to. IF you saw how you feel and what you are doing as a tv show what would you think? This is how I do it. i completely surrender my life to my hp. i do my thing every day, pay bills, wangle how to pay more bills....feed my animals, put up fences, hope he calls, but if he doesn't oh well. i cannot make him want to.I just keep going. Sure i feel sad sometimes, disapointed, but he is an A his drug of choice is first, he is first to himself. I have been and always will be, an afterthought to him. So I make my life happy and full and if he adds to it, great! Becuz the fighting it, the trying to control it, the worrying, the anxiety the eating up of my life was not worth it as is did nothing. This way gives me everything I can possibley get from my A and i am happy. Not everyone would choose this. Having to raise kids alone with him there, the resentment that will hit as you realize you are doing everything in the relationship,is hard. For me it is the promises i made to my husband with my hp watching that keeps me going. marriage is a gift from the creator. Believe me mine is and has been very, very painful and difficult. But the lessons i have learned are priceless and i am a better person. i would not trade my scoundrel a for anyone. i gotta say though hon, abuse is not from him being an A. he is an abuser and an A. If I were you, i would get myself to a womens support group and educate yourself. personally if he pushed or hit me one time, I would make it clear and demand he never do that again, if he did, HE would be outa there. And that is what I did. I grabbed his collar from the front and shook him and told him never, ever to touch me like that again. he hasn't. I worked with kids at risk in special ed and know how to take care of myself. he never, ever messed with me again sober or not. thank god becuz i would hate for him to be toothless...hahaha love to you hon,debilyn

Debilyn I have to say I have never read a post that explained my own feelings as closely as yours did.  I've been married to my A for 12 years.  It took me awhile (uh, like 9 years) before I decided that I was responsible for my own happiness and way too caught up in trying to orchestrate his.  Is is hard?  Sure is, but now I go to movies and to plays and to Church and I enjoy him so much when he is sober because he is smart and funny and so very earnest when he is trying and when he is not, I have an entire life I've created for myself that I can fall back on.  I have been honest with friends and family (not the easiest thing in the world, but it does give me the freedom of not having to come up with a bunch of excuses and being "found out" when they realize he was just at a bar instead of showing up at my Mom's for dinner or something.)  There is a good life out there, and we owe it to ourselves to enjoy each and every minute of it.  My A is struggling with demons that I thought I understood, back when I was trying to "fix" him, but now I know he has to find his own way.  I can be loving and supportive without trading my life for his.  Do I feel hopeless and helpless sometimes?  Sure I do - I have supported us for the better part of the 12 years we have been married, and I have had to drive him for 10 of those years because of DUIs.  He is due to get his license back in a few months and I am completely terrified that he won't be able to keep it together - if he does, that will be a dream come true, but I'll never not worry about it - and if he doesn't, I still have a life to live.  To everyone out there on this thread - hang in there and God Bless!

Earthmother