that i had a title . my mother and father where both very heavy drinkers to put it mildly . my mother was a volatile and violent woman in private, but a pillar of society in public, did alot of charity work etc, a lady to be feared and admired. i loved her but was scared too. she died at 56 and i was 14 at the time . after my mother died my dads drinking went to a whole new level , which lost him the firm and house . then he met my step-mother . who put up with his drinking for about 3 years untill the ultimation the booze or me . my dad sobered up and stopped . A small miracle , but i did not realise how hard it must have been for him. i had 20 yrs of knowing my real dad rather than the alcholic of my child hood .my lovely dad had the oppertunity to make it up to us . i know he worried about my wildness and drinking  but there was no need . it was normal youth . And now i am with a man very like my dad in his emotional make up . my dad would like my  partner and would understand him . but is this why i feel so close to him , is it because i recognise my dad in him . so now i know that  i am ACOA .  my ex of 25 yrs was a nice normal man who drank at christmas . but i did not have the same passion for him as i do for my partner . life is a funny old thing and i can only laugh at the irony. but at least i know what i am dealing with !!![ sort of ]

I really liked your post, thank you. I can see you love your A husband. i love mine too. And i relate to the thing about knowing him. thank you for sharing. love,debilyn

Hello Mars,

I have read and learned that we feel safe with what seems familiar. Some people do not know they are marrying an alcoholic though. Or maybe the disease hasn't progressed when they met them. We learn to work with the cards we are dealt. When I first learned my daughter was an alcoholic/drug addict I tried to figure everything out about the disease. When in fact, I needed to just accept it,,,surrender and work my program. Figuring it out will not help us change our lives. I believe knowledge is power so I learn all I can but what has helped me it to change me. I use to blame myself for giving birth to her with the awful horrible disease. Now, I know that my daughter has this disease and what can I do to work with it. I will never leave or abandon my daughter, but that doesn't mean I may not ever kick her out of my house if she lives here someday for breaking boundaries that I have set. I can't know what it is like to live with an active drinker but I can empathize how hard it is to see someone suffer with this disease. They need to take care of themselves and only we can take care of us. If we don't change and leave our spouses we tend to get involved with someone just like them I have learned too. That is why I have tried to keep my dysfunctional marriage together. But, my partner has been willing ot make changes too. Keep coming back and sharing your feelings. That is a great start to your recovery, cdb :)