Day six, I still have not talked to my A. I am so thankful first for the people here on the board.  This has been the hardest week for me.  People I have known for years always tell me what a strong person I am, but this week I have not felt strong.  I have felt lonely, frustrated, tired, hurt, confused, etc.  You all have helped in more ways then you know.  I didn't have time to read all the responses yesterday, so I printed them out to read after my counseling session.  WOW, I sat on my bed reading and crying you guys are the best.  I no longer felt lonely, I felt like everyone knows or is familiar with what it is like to have to set boundaries, to take the steps it takes to take care of ourselves.  (this has been extremely hard as my 14 yr. old is hurting horribly, my A is the only man he has really known)

Yesterday when I posted and was financially stressed, there were suggestions to turn it over to my HP.  I did just that.  Today is my A's payday.  I wanted to believe that he would continue to put his check in the bank; this is 2/3's of the monthly income.  I thought maybe in his stubbornness and from what the disease has spoke to me that he would just let me and the kids fend for ourselves.  I know my husband so very well.....I don't know the disease....I know he is a good, kind hearted man...he may look big and mean but he is so emotional.  I hope that he is thinking.  I know I am. 

I sometimes get lost in thoughts of him; of course distance will do that.  I then have to get back to the present and what I need to do for me.  Loving him, missing him, Worrying about him, does not help me.  So back to work and then tonight I will watch a movie with my youngest son, if he has no other plans, if he does then I shall watch it alone.  I think maybe something funny!!! No tear jerker, I will save that one for tomorrow or Sunday....LOL  I know I have a big cry coming on, I just haven't had time to schedule it in....LOL I also have had this Yoga kit for about a year, I think I will try that this weekend.  Visit with my mom and my girlfriend.  It's so wet here right now and not looking like it's going to dry out, really wanted to mow the lawn.  Oh well, there is time. 

Hugs, and thank you all so much again!!! Mary

 

-- Edited by marmare at 17:16, 2005-10-07

You are so sweet...

It is totally acceptable to feel.

Weather it be rotten, good, scared, empowered... whatever you feel, go ahead and feel it.

Mostly, keep busy.  It sounds like you have a great weekend planned, and a good back-up if your son doesn't want to hang out with you.  Your HP will provide you with the time you need to process this whole thing.  Well, He did for me anyhow. :)

You know, miracles happen, and in your posting, I feel one for you.

With Love

Aron in the Mountains
(Captcodee)

You have given me such wonderful ESH, I had to reciprocate. 

I have gone through the same thing...  feeling helpless & hopeless & having ppl tell me how they see me as strong & courageous, what an amazing feeling & good thought to know that other's see us more gently than we can sometimes "See" ourselves.  I too think you are a profoundly strong individual.  I have seen you be so open & vulnerable - there is great strength in that!

It is an old Zen saying, "you cannot defeat the man who is defenseless, as he is not fighting, he has already won".

I have clung to that ever since I read it as a teenager...  the thought of not fighting & winning, how great!  I know that I have made ppl uncomfortable over the years, talking about my feelings & sharing but I think Americans work too hard & not focus on the sweet, gentle little things that is our right as humans.

I stretch & do yoga, myself...  when I stretch my body, my mind clears & I often get an insight right from HP.  The Greeks had it right, to exercise body-mind-soul when any one of these aspects goes out of whack, our whole being suffers.  The yoga teaches us to listen to our own breathing, center our thoughts & relax...  I am sure you will love it!

Peace, serenity & Blessings to you. -k

HI Mary, i wanted to tell ya i liked how you have all this stuff in your head what you are going to do. It is so good to keep a plan or goal. I see you focusing on you and your child. of course you will think about your A. he has a disease and is sick. Keep that love for him, it is the disease you hate. Do all you can each day. I mean even a nap if ya need one. i am so sad for your child to be miserable. Are you an animal lover at all? I know it is a lot, but maybe get him (i am remembering you have a son?)some kind of pet to hold on to. if you can't get a dog or cat, most places allow guinea pigs, and pet rats. It might help fill the void. Give him something to think about and to be responsible for. My animal sanctuary is what keeps me going. or maybe there is something else he is into that would help him. You are doing great, even on the days or times of crying and feeling that dang hole in your gut. You are working hard, and i can tell, on your way with many miracles coming. Work your program, i mean it, it works. I will tell you, right now my A was going to call today and coming out, he hasn't. Of course i feel a little sad. But not falling apart, will not call him. I am sitting here watching this awesome show called,Lost, where they dumped three couples in S.America who have to figure out where they are and get back to the statue of liberty. Eatingvanilla rice dream, cuddled up with Ru, an old stinky Basset and rusty, my tiny yorkie/papillion, who chases a 1200 pound farm pig!!! hugs, love,debilyn love,debilyn

Mary, Glad to hear you're sounding a bit better. It's so hard to love an A isn't it? Even when things are okay, it's tough. But somehow we always find a way to get through it. Baby steps right? Sometimes distance is the best thing. Setting those boundaries does help. I'm amazed at how people do this for years on end. It's where I gather my strength from, reading all your posts. I've only really been at this for a year. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. Hang in there. You've always been a source of great strength for me. I'm with Debilyn about getting an animal if you can. They are such a stress buster. They give this unconditional love, and there is nothing more comforting kfeljffjjfirjprejefehoefhfoas' (sorry that was the cat putting in her 2 cents ) than that. She's been a great help to me, especially because I have no children and when the lonliness gets to me. Keep being good to yourself. Take care of your son. Lots of (((((HUGS))) and prayers and love to you and your family. It's raining here too. Suppose to all week, because I'm on vacation. By all means have a good cry. Nothing wrong with that. It's cathartic. Live strong, Karilynn

I know the feeling.. I too felt so lonely, sad, and confused. Everyone told me how strong I was and I couldnt find the strength that everyone was telling me I had. I felt weak, and felt that my world had fallen apart. Counseling is good. I know that it helps me. Keep praying your HP will answer and guide you. You are such an inspiration to so many of us. Take care of yourself and your children.. Tammy