The last time I saw my dad (A) was about 3 weeks ago.  They live about 3 hours away.  I told them that I was going for this promotion at work (which i didn;t get but thats ok).  Anyway I haven't heard from him since.  No a good luck when I walked out and not a call to see how things went.  Needless to say. yesterday I got the news and came here and found this board instead of picking up the phone to call them.  I just felt so abandoned by them even though I'm 32.  My sister has always said Im stupid because I still believe he will change and if I expect nothing from him than I won't be so disappointed..  Easier said than done.  Thanks for letting me boo hoo.

bd

Hi ((bd))

It helps me to have "high hopes but low expectations" where an alcoholic is concerned.  I love my a dearly but find if I do have expectations of him then I am surely setting myself up for disappointment and if I am not careful that disappointment can turn into a resentment.  Although it is difficult, I have come to accept that he does the best he can and that he cannot give me what he himself does not possess. 

Love in recovery - Jeri 

Hi BD, good for you for coming to this board instead of calling your parents :) for a long time I used to call my parents regularly and talk to them for a long time, even though every time I did all I mostly got was complaining about what all my family member were or were not doing, health problems (perceived...if they were real they don't tell me .. lol), and pointed questions about why I choose to work and why my husband and I don't have kids yet. It was such a downer! My first sponsor in this program helped me implement a "five minute rule" with my mom on the phone. Talk for five minutes only, whether the conversation is going well or not. if it startes going bad, end the call early. go to a meeting or call an alanon friend instead. that worked wonders for me. now im back to being able to talk to my parents for longer periods of time because i've "taught" them I don't accept all that negativity. our conversations are way better. there's a saying...if you keep doing what you've always done...you'll keep getting what you always got. try changing things up a little bit, and see if that works for you :) keep coming back, bd! i laughed when you said your sister asked why you believe they will change. i have similar conversations with my brother. not about them changing but about what my "problem" with my parents is. he says he doesn't have a problem with them. of course, he has to drink a six pack in order to make this statement...lol. try not to compare yourself with your sister. she is who she is, and you are who you are. you both need your own answers and your own solutions. take some steps to take care of you, and you'll start feeling better. Kristen

What a wonderful way to look at it! Thank you so much.  I too have high hopes for my "A", umfortunately I have high expectations as well.  If I could keep it in the perspective that you just shared I might be able to handle things better.

I have recently found myself repeating "he won't be home, he won't be home, or he will be drunk or have had a beer--or worse" I repeat that all the way home hoping to brace myself so it won't hurt so much when I get home.  Then I am extremely happy when I get home and it's not that way, I was hoping I wouldn't be so upset when I got home and that turned out to be true.  I just look forward to the day I can accept just whatever I get and know I can or will be able to make it through.

hudsond

 

BD;

I am 28

My mom "abandoned" me when I was a baby.

Still, I wish she was someone she is not.  I don't understand how God could make my heart from the same mold that he used to make hers...mine is soo different.

HOWEVER; through alanon I have accepted my feelings of abandonment, and accepted the fact that she is not even the kind of person I would want to be a friend to, never mind have as a mother.  Yet, I also accepted that I may always "wish" she was someone different.  I am thankful that I was NOT raised by her (now that I have my own children).  My 6 yr old daughter now has started to ask questions about her, and I answer them as honest (yet sparingly :) as I can.  I call my Dad for support, and have even developed quite the mother-daughter relationship with my mother-in-law.  because she abandoned me, my kids know a mom that I never did.

Thanks for finding us, I needed your story.  I hope to hear more of your progress.

Aron in the Mountains
(Captcodee)

Hi! Thanks so much for your post to BD. Beautifully put. It would help me to consider that for myself as well. Kristen

hi bd, hey age has nothing to do with emotions. We are always kids to our parents. I mean inside we don't feel any less pain from abandonement, or disappointment. My dad ignores me and he is not even an A. I thought we were always close. He only used me to get to my mom. When she left him, he was nice to me, send cards etc then married a very very young Philipino lady and threw me away. Then my mom died and he did not even call me. I am 52 and believe me, this is a hard one. I can be all well accept it for what it is, then get so lonely for my family and wonder how he could do this. My brothers both disappeared when mother died too. so much for our nice family. We were a happy family too. strange. hugs, and lotsa love to you. And it was nice having a chance at your promotion! they will keep watching you so do not give up!! love,debilyn

Thank you for your words of encourgement.  It has been a really bad week.  I feel very lonely right now.  I keep staring at the phone but I know what I get on the other end will only make me feel worse.  Maybe its the holiday coming this weekend that has me so upset.  I miss the dinners we used to have as kids.  Your kindness has touched me deeply

 

bd

Wow, this post hit a chord. Abandonment has been an issue that has permeated two generations of women in my family. At 35, I am trying to break that cycle.  My mother and uncle were abandoned by their biological mother to be raised by another family. The father that raised them was an active alcoholic until the day he died and my uncle in turn became an alcoholic and addict as an adult. My mother taught me co-dependency from a young age, unbenownst to her. My father and she split when I was nine...he was not around much until I was 13 when he met my stepmother. My mother for many years was involved with a married man who often she concentrated on rather than me. An only child, I looked for fufillment with men, and from adolescence until adulthood I made choices in men based upon who liked me not who I liked. The relationship with my father was strained for many years, however, when my mother died (when I was 27) I was left with my father and stepmother (and two stepsisters) as my family. In many ways they have been wonderful, however, I always felt the need to be "perfect" so they wouldn't not love me. I have done this as well with the A and many others in my life because of my fear of abandonment.  I hid things, made excuses and built up this facade of the "happy family". Not to say that it was all bad...but they certainly didn't know any of the pain I was experiencing. My parents had no idea my husband was an A and even now that I have told them, they don't get it. They constantly make me feel guilty for putting my A out and say that my marriage will never work out if we are not living together.  I often feel as if I am not a person, that I am now identifed to them by being "separated".  They say they support me, but I honestly don't feel it. But I realize that this is them and I do love them and they are doing the best they can.  I limit my phone calls, I keep things light, it's all I can do. I work hard at not feeling abandoned, but it is always there. Therapy helps, as does this program. Thanks to you all.....