In my marriage there is close to none at all. In the begin about 6 yrs ago we were doing it alot. But now it like only 2 this year. It was like I got married and now there is no sex. I thought it would be the other way around. The things that have change is that he was doing drugs/drinker heavy when we were first meet. Which amazing that I stayed with him. What was I thinking. I do love him but this has been eating at me for the longest time. Each day I hope that he would be intersted and that we would do it, but each night nothing.

I have gain alittle weight not alot but I feel that he doesn't want me. I have been trying hard to lose some of the weight. I do sit ups and I am walking alittle because I don't have alot of time during my lunch.

Well it might be because he might be nervous since for the past couple of times he was out of breath. I am not sure. I have been very patince. He has gone for a stress test to see if it is his hard. I guess while writing this I guess I have answer some of my own question is one reason is that he problary doesn't have the interset because he isn't drinking (at this moment, past couple of days) or it could be that he really doesn't feel good. But it is still hard to deal with.

-- Edited by nycbt at 10:33, 2005-10-07

Hiya NYCBT,

What you just described is not unusual for alcoholics/addicts.  Sex/Intimacy is something we don't talk enough about in alanon, but many alcoholics become impotent from the drugs/alcohol.  We start feeling like we aren't attractive enough, or that they are seeing someone else, or our "stinking thinking" takes hold and we panic.  That's not the case, the drugs/alcohol are affecting his desire for sex and it's not a reflection on you. It was that way with  my alcoholic, and in fact developed some medical problems from the alcohol. I don't want you to panic about the medical problems and think the same will happen to your alcohlic, but understand that what you are experiencing is not unusual and it's time to "fire" the "itty bitty shitty committee". Take care hon, SenoraBob

How funny that I come on here today, and you have posted the EXACT issue I was thinking about.  I actually told my husband last  night that I miss the times when we used to crawl into bed early just to have more time to "have fun...."

He said he has just been "too tired", but through talks with my HP I feel it is just that he needs to feed his addiction first, before he can feed other things in his life, which means he gets high after the kids go to be first, and of course, i don't want to be intimate with someone who is high. 

So, I expressed my concerns to my hubby last night, and he actually said sorry, i didn't know you felt that way.  I used "i" statements, and my feelings... we didn't get intimate last night, but I do know that he actually heard what I said.  What happens now isn't in my court.  I let him know how I feel, it is up to US to come up with a solution, but it is up to him to meet me half way. 

I refuse to be beaten by his addiction, but I refuse also to try to control his addiction.  I know I can't, and I need the energy to LIVE while he is controlled by it.  I want to remain strong for the day that he either dies, or is saved from the addiction.  Of course i hope the latter comes first, but that is also out of my control.

Please, lets keep talking about this with each other, and encourage courage in others to bring it out.  If I knew in the beginning that this was normal, perhaps I wouldn't have had to visit so many "unfomfortable" stores with him...lol.  There is a CAL book (Conference Approved Literature) called Sexual Intimacy in the Alcoholic Marraige, and it is freaking unreal!  it is like someone borrowed my marraige to study the material needed for this book!(uh oh...lol)

 

Near the end of my marriage the last thing i wanted was for him to touch me....the was so much pain and he was such a miserable ass when he drank that I could never get over it when he as sober.  And the longer his drinking went on the less he wanted to have sex....which I was greatful for....but your right...my ego took a beating anyway. 

I just love this site and the honesty we can share at this message board. My husband is not an alcoholic but the sex issue has been a problem too for us. I have picked it as a topic here before at meetings and all I can say is it helps to get out how we are feeling and know that we are not alone! your friend in recovery, cdb :)

As a codependent to a multiple recovering addict (which includes sex addiction) this topic certainly got my attention.  I am used to the issue of having no sex.  While he has been concentrating on his SA program we have abstained from the act for over two years now.   We are slowly getting back to being on somewhat physical terms, but it takes time.  Anymore I am just as happy just  cuddling or holding hands, since I have been so extremely stressed out from other various situations going on of late.  It's a touchy issue and I'm always glad when someone brings this subject up.  Thanks.

Dana

-- Edited by DanaAngel at 21:43, 2005-10-07

I'm there too, and I notice the message below this one on the board is the same issue. Maybe we should change the name of the baord from MIP to WWS (Women Without Sex)!