I am new to this group. I feel I need help from anyone out there willing to give me advice. I came home today, after working 12 hours, to my husband that was very drunk and angry. I stayed away from him and I was very quiet. He proceeded to yell at me and swear. I asked him please don’t swear. This made him call me a God Da… Bitc… ??? I was very confused. What have I done to deserve this? And , YES, he blamed it all on me? This after a long hard day. I feel like when He drinks that he hates me but when he doesn’t drink he is this wonderful man. Any suggestions?
notsonew1111 said
Oct 7, 2005
you have done nothing. none of this is your fault. it's a horrible disease. could you go for a walk to get away for a little bit? or lock yourself in the bathroom and have a long bubble bath. listen to your favorite music to drown his voice out. focus on yourself and not him.
megan said
Oct 7, 2005
Hi Cindy
Welcome. Alanon is a program for those affected by an alcoholic.
I too work long hours. My alcoholic would criticize me, put me down and emotionally abuse me.
He is addicted to alcohol and will do anything to keep drinking.
Alanon has taught me to focus on myself.
When he yells you have been given some good suggestions. Don't listen.
I used to lock myself in the bathroom with a portable radio.
I also left and went to the library or the mall or wherever I could walk away to.
Keep coming back, things will get better
lin0606 said
Oct 7, 2005
Blaming you is what they do - it is a symptom of the disease. Don't worry too much about trying to please him- he will always find something to blame you for.
Alcoholics know that their behaviour is destructive. However, if they faced up to that and changed, they would have to stop drinking, and they don't want to (can't) do that. Therefore, they find a way for it all to be YOUR fault, that way they don't have to face reality.
The only thing you can do is to take care of yourself, alanon can teach you how. If you can find a face to face meeting in your town, I urge you to go - there is a link at the top of this page to meeting schedules. Find out as much as you can about alcoholism - any alanon literature or AA literature can help you. You can get it at meetings, through this site, from Amazon or abay, or from your library. Welcome
nycbt said
Oct 7, 2005
Hi Cindy
When my husband drinks he is a very mean person to be with. He quizes me to death and he is never happy with the answer I give him. He says the most mean things to me and it is hard to think to youself that it is there diease talking. The next day my husband never remebers what he did or said. So that has helped me know since I go to the alanon program. I have learn that they are not yelling at you that are just mad. But like you I have to learn how to deal with him when he is mad and yelling. Of course they blame us for what is happen because then they really wouldn't have a reason to drink. They would have to think of some reason to keep on drinking. If they aren't ok with themself then they are going to drink.
Jeannie said
Oct 7, 2005
Hi Cindy,
Welcome,
You have done nothing wrong. An alcoholic will always look to find fault, it takes the focus off of them and their drinking.
There is nothing you can do to stop him from drinking. Threats, promises, bargains, nothing works. They will still find a way to keep drinking. The only thing you can do is to remember that it is not your fault, and to make changes in you. You can be happy and confident, no matter what he does.
Try and get to in person meetings near you and learn about the disease by reading literature or talking to people who are and have been where you are now.
Keep coming back. You are worth it.
Love jeannie
Diva said
Oct 7, 2005
It is as everyone has said, Cindy. You have done nothing wrong. Some people, under the influence of alcohol, will say such hurtful things, and usually they do not remember what they said when they become sober. My own A tells me I should not believe a thing he says when he is drunk, but it is hard to believe his true feelings are not escaping in unkind words. I know it hurts you, but do try to keep that behavior in perspective. It is part of the disease of alcoholism.
Very best wishes, Diva
canadianguy said
Oct 7, 2005
Hi Cindy.... your post shows just how much you (and we) all need a program of recovery, for ourselves.... You will learn lots here, at f2f Al-Anon meetings, and by reading books on the subject... The simple fact that you (as most of us do or have done) immediately go to the spot where we (almost) accept the rantings that it is "our fault", just underline the urgency that we need to get help for our own well being...
Great start by posting here..... He's doing what alcoholics do.... drink, and then blame others for his feelings... He may choose to get better, or he may not.... either way, YOU have the choice to help yourself here...
Take care
Tom
bd said
Oct 7, 2005
I was in same situtation awhile ago. There is nothing wrong with you and I know how hard it is to come home from work to that crap everyday or not knowing what your coming home to. I couldn't take it and felt it was not an enviroment I could live in. I would have anxiety attackes at work when Fri came because I knew I had to be at home for t 2 days with him. None of it is your fault.
I am new to this group. I feel I need help from anyone out there willing to give me advice. I came home today, after working 12 hours, to my husband that was very drunk and angry. I stayed away from him and I was very quiet. He proceeded to yell at me and swear. I asked him please don’t swear. This made him call me a God Da… Bitc… ??? I was very confused. What have I done to deserve this? And , YES, he blamed it all on me? This after a long hard day. I feel like when He drinks that he hates me but when he doesn’t drink he is this wonderful man. Any suggestions?
Hi Cindy
Welcome. Alanon is a program for those affected by an alcoholic.
I too work long hours. My alcoholic would criticize me, put me down and emotionally abuse me.
He is addicted to alcohol and will do anything to keep drinking.
Alanon has taught me to focus on myself.
When he yells you have been given some good suggestions. Don't listen.
I used to lock myself in the bathroom with a portable radio.
I also left and went to the library or the mall or wherever I could walk away to.
Keep coming back, things will get better
Hi Cindy
When my husband drinks he is a very mean person to be with. He quizes me to death and he is never happy with the answer I give him. He says the most mean things to me and it is hard to think to youself that it is there diease talking. The next day my husband never remebers what he did or said. So that has helped me know since I go to the alanon program. I have learn that they are not yelling at you that are just mad. But like you I have to learn how to deal with him when he is mad and yelling. Of course they blame us for what is happen because then they really wouldn't have a reason to drink. They would have to think of some reason to keep on drinking. If they aren't ok with themself then they are going to drink.
Hi Cindy,
Welcome,
You have done nothing wrong. An alcoholic will always look to find fault, it takes the focus off of them and their drinking.
There is nothing you can do to stop him from drinking. Threats, promises, bargains, nothing works. They will still find a way to keep drinking. The only thing you can do is to remember that it is not your fault, and to make changes in you. You can be happy and confident, no matter what he does.
Try and get to in person meetings near you and learn about the disease by reading literature or talking to people who are and have been where you are now.
Keep coming back. You are worth it.
Love jeannie
Hi Cindy.... your post shows just how much you (and we) all need a program of recovery, for ourselves.... You will learn lots here, at f2f Al-Anon meetings, and by reading books on the subject... The simple fact that you (as most of us do or have done) immediately go to the spot where we (almost) accept the rantings that it is "our fault", just underline the urgency that we need to get help for our own well being...
Great start by posting here..... He's doing what alcoholics do.... drink, and then blame others for his feelings... He may choose to get better, or he may not.... either way, YOU have the choice to help yourself here...
Take care
Tom
I was in same situtation awhile ago. There is nothing wrong with you and I know how hard it is to come home from work to that crap everyday or not knowing what your coming home to. I couldn't take it and felt it was not an enviroment I could live in. I would have anxiety attackes at work when Fri came because I knew I had to be at home for t 2 days with him. None of it is your fault.
bd