Hi everyone.

Well, just when I think I may be making just a little bit of progress working on myself, I slip and screw up. My husband and I have been split up for one month. We have not really seen each other during this time except for a few minutes here and there when he came to the house to pick something up. We have talked on the phone a few times. Sometimes he sounds like he's been drinking, sometimes he doesn't. But as I know so well, he can cover up pretty good when he wants to.

Last night he called to ask me something and he sounded fine. We talked for a while on the phone and we actually seemed to be getting along pretty good. We talked a little bit about what we were going to do about the relationship, working on it, giving up completely, etc. We do love each other, there is no doubt about that, but I just can't take the drinking anymore and shouldn't have to. That is why he lives someplace else now.

He said that he is so busy at work, that this is his busy season which I know is true since I've lived with him during this time of year many times, and starting next week his days will run anywhere from 10-14 hrs. each, usually six days a week. He said that he really isn't going to have much time to work on the relationship because his boss is counting on him to give 100%. I can pretty much understand that...pretty much.

Now is where I may have made a big mistake in a moment of weakness, being human, and just plain missing him. I asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner sometime next week. He said he would really like that since he really can't cook in his new place, actually he really can't cook period.

Tonight I had to call him about something, I hardly ever call him at all but had to tonight about a legal matter, papers he had to pick up. He had been drinking, not drunk, but enough that his voice and speech gave it away. I said to him, instead of me cooking dinner for us, why can't we go out to eat. He said he was broke..had no money. I said we don't have to go anywhere expensive, just out. Again..same answer.

Can someone please explain to me why he always has enough money to spend on himself, and obviously on his beer. But when I would like something, he's broke. When we were together I would tell him that I treated him better than he treated himself, but he rewarded himself more than me. I have cooked for and taken care of this man 365 days a year and he can't even come up with $15.00 to take me to at the very least a McDonalds!

I'm angry at myself because it was a stupid impulsive thing that I did by asking him over for dinner, and I'm angry thinking that I should spend money that I work my a** off for to give him a meal when he can't do anything for me.

I want to drop the legal papers off at his job and tell him that dinners off until he can begin to accept his selfishness and his drinking problems (which he feels he is in control of) but I'm not really sure of his reaction to this. I'm not sure if it would start world war three or if he would just tell me I am still the same b**** I always was. I just think that regardless of the amount of money he has, if he at all cared about this relationship, he would at least try to take me out. To make an effort.

You all have no idea how angry I am at myself, I feel like I boxed myself in just when I was beginning to see daylight. I am really sorry that this is so long but this is the only place that I say what I feel and people understand me. Thank you all (again) for listening. Please give me some feedback on this, I'm really upset over it.

hadit

Dear Hadit,

Please be kind to yourself! You're human and it's natural that in a moment of closeness you would reach out to the man you love!! In your post, I heard not someone who screwed up, but rather someone who was caring, who was trying very much to do the right thing, and who was hurting. It sounds like somehow underneath this incident, you feel like you somehow "lost" and he "won" because you were willing to do a big thing for him (cook dinner) and he isn't even willing to do a very small thing for you (take you out, etc.). It also sounds as if once you got on the phone and realized he had been drinking, there was a shift in you from--I'd like to do something nice for him/us to oh, oh, perhaps dinner at home isn't a good idea to he owes me! As someone who has played this kind of mathmatical game myself MANY, MANY, MANY times, there's always been only one end result for me: I lose. When I lose, I get angry and I end up hurt, mad as hell, and suffering--none of which seems to make that much of a dent on the addict. The A will ALWAYS choose alcohol over you. That's alcoholism!

Before you shifted to "he owes me," though, it seems as if a natural warning bell/boundary seemed to come up: Perhaps it isn't good to eat at home together at this time. This seems like an important message about your own boundaries and what you're able to give. You might consider what you need to do to take care of you FIRST. Plan your day around you, to take care of you (instead of around the A in the hopes that he will take care of you). Perhaps plan a wonderful day for you--lots of self-care, excellent dinner, and then, if you still want to, go meet your A. And you might consider creating a Plan B ahead of time, so that you know what you'll do to take care of yourself if you meet the A and he's drunk. I find when I plan my days in such a way that my happiness does not depend on the other person, I'm a lot saner and a lot happier.

I hope I haven't overstepped the bounds from support to advice; I just wanted to share what's worked for me.  

Take what's helpful and leave the rest!

BlueCloud

 

-- Edited by BlueCloud at 00:38, 2005-10-07

why don't you make YOURSELF a wonderful dinner and enjoy it by yourself. get in touch with yourself and realize even though you are alone you are not really alone.

you also said you all have no idea how angry i am at myself. i think i know exactly how you feel because i have been there too and i'm sure i am not the only one. please take care of yourself. you say you work your a$$ off for the money you make. so spoil yourself with it. instead of your a owing you something, why don't you owe yourself something, i think you deserve it. take care

I agree with Bluecloud - very natural to want to reach out to a person you love. I find things work best for me if I examine my motives for an action that I am concerned about. Often, I find that somewhere (sometimes buried pretty deep) is a desire to influence the behaviour of another person. This rarely works out well, and alanon is teaching me to stop doing it (at least stop doing it so much!) If you want to see him, and will be making dinner for yourself anyway, and feel safe having him at your house, then have him over. If you want to eat with him to sort of 'reward' him for being nice, or not drinking, or anything else you want from him, then it is probably not a good idea. Base your choices on what YOU actually want, not on what you feel he 'should' do, or on what you 'deserve' or anything like that. You certainly have no obligation to see him if it won't make you feel good. Keep the focus on you, that always works best.

Hadit,

Don't beat yourself up.

It is perfectly normal to want to cook for your husband. It is something you have done many times.

I agree with the others. If you are looking for the math to come out even, it never will with an alcoholic. If you enjoyed talking with him and would enjoy his company, and yes feel safe with him. Then what is the harm of cooking him dinner.

Don't have any expectations, don't look for promises, just look to spend some time with someone you love. If you think it is a bad idea, and it makes you uncomfortable, then call it off. You are his wife, and there are not rules or guidelines, you have to decide what works for you.

While we hate the disease we can still love and miss the man.

                                            Love jeannie

I've done it myself with my husband.   You love him.....it's totally natural....that's why he's your husband....one step back.....three steps forward....I felt the same way when I gave in....it doesn't mean all is lost...he is still not living with you....I would cancel dinner......tell him something came up....it did!!!!!  You came up with a new plan!!!!