first off i told you if you were going to be an assho_ _ and fall for his lies again i wanted nothing to do with you or him anymore. the only reason i called you that night is because YOUR DAUGHTER needed you,,,,,but i think you are FUC--- UP for choosing him over your daughter and pushing her away for ANYONE...He is not different, and yes i told YOUR BROTHER because he is a liar and a piece of shit and the next thing he will start doing is stealing and hurting people . but you will find that out for yourself . wait till he saves enough money to BINGE again. And no-one is going to want to hear your crying..... I called KELLY the other day to check up on SUSIE.....I was not talking about you, i dont care what you do anymore but i do care about what you r doing to your daughter and if you had any brains in your head you would send that kid to her fathers for good,.,she dosent deserve to be forced to love someone like that ..(good influence on her ) both of you should be ashamed of yourselves for what u put that kid through . , you'll learn one day CHRISSY and no-one cant say they didnt warn you ,, so take care and i hope everything works out for you. he will say and do anything at this point to get what he needs and wants..but GUARENTEE YOU<<<>>>>>>>> he strikes again....take care.

                        I am home with my daughter every night i don't know what her problem is.  i chose my daughter and myself first . when she goes to ber biological dad is when i will see my husband. my a has gone to aa every night and i told him i will only see him on saturdays.  this sunday i have my cousins wedding he was suppose to go but i am not brining him i am going with my daughter.what do i say to her im so hurt . any advise would be appreciated she was in my wedding we have always been there for each other she has had 3 bad relationships and i was there for all three disasters. i  think she is comparing mine to hers. its like i am a teenager again.
take care chrissy

-- Edited by chrissy at 17:39, 2005-10-05

(((((((((((Chrissy)))))))))))))) Sounds as though someone else is taking inventory for you....not nice at all.  You know when you work your program that you are doing the right thing.  You are the one who is living your life.  Quit listening to what other people think.  I have just recently come to the conclusion that the people that don't know me, I mean really know me, are judgmental.  My family, my in-laws, my children, know me!  They offer suggestions at times, they ask why, at times.  They do not condemn me  or put me down.  Ignore the ugliness that is in people.  I know my neighbors, that are retired sometimes suggest "not so nice" things about my life with my A, but you know they do it a little nicer then this person did to you...however sometimes it hurts me, they don't know my heart.  Say the Serenity Prayer and know that you can not change other people, including this person that wrote you this email.  Use your support system......be honest with your daughter, Hang in there....

Hugs Mary

 

Chrissy: Although nobody has a right to come down on anyone, I have to say that there were people in my life that without having come down on me, I would have never realized how much I was only thinking of myself really. I'm not saying that it justifies anyone elses judgment of us, but what I am saying is that sometimes things people say to us are meant to be heard and analyzed to determine if any of it has any validity in what they are saying. Of course, when it is mean and directed in a way that attacks who you are, it is not healthy, which is what it sounds like happened in this letter. So you have to leave that part of it and realize that the person writing it has issues with compassion and understanding--- And, also realizing that they probably have NO CONTROL even in their own life. Typically, people who are opinionated of others and so focused on others relationships, don't look at themselves. The same is true with relationships-- Typically, people who are so focused on their partners behaviors or faults, are not focused on theirs. I just want to close in saying that what I've found in myself is that some of my most defensive behavior came from my resistance to face some of the realizations within myself that were brought to my attention by people who REALLY, TRULY, loved me. I couldn't say that then, but I most definitely can say it now. My prayers are with you and your family. Take Care.

-- Edited by sanddie at 18:57, 2005-10-05

-- Edited by sanddie at 18:58, 2005-10-05

I can see why you are hurt, at the tone of this letter. However, maybe she would not be so angry if she did not care about you so much. I know that when my life was spinning out of control, I did not want to hear what the people who cared about me had to say, because I knew that they were worried about me. I couldn't accept that maybe they were right, because I didn't know any way to get back to sanity. If I could just pretend that they were being hurtful and awful, I wouldn't have to really take a long look at my own behaviour. You have the right to be spoken to respectfully, though. Maybe you could tell her that the tone of her letter hurt you, and see what she says.

thanks i will

Chrissy I agree with Lin.  Your friend should have spoken to you directly face to face or been selective in her choice of words.  If people talk to us in anger we lose the message as we instantly shut down and become defensive. We are learning here how to protect ourselves and put boundaries in place.  I feel your friend cares so much about you that this is her way of not getting hurt anymore.  Maybe she feels that she is the rescuer for you.  Thinking of you.

 

Leo

i agree that your friend is upset because she cares about you and doesn't want you to get hurt again. but keep in mind your friend does not understand the emotions you are feeling and the experience you are going through. i take it she does not live with an alcholic so really she doesnt see the whole picture. everyone here understands. you love your a and it is not easy to just throw that away. you are doing your best to work on yourself and to love yourself. that is the most important thing. take care.

Hi Chrissy,

It is common when we enter recovery and establish new boundaries based on what we learn, to find that we have a new perspective on longstanding relationships and that these relationships may be strained as we grow into a new and improved version of ourselves. Something else that is likely to change is the behavior we are willing to accept from others. 

Change can be difficult and scary. It is important to remember as these changes occur, the program says that we have taught the people in our lives how to treat us, and to change how they treat us we are best served to as patiently and calmly as possible retrain them with our new needs and boundaries without slipping into our own pre-program behavior. It is hard work, and it is vital to remember, especially when dealing with people who care for us but who do not have a program of their own to "Let it Begin With Me." Sometimes our relationships grow and change as we do, and sometimes we grow apart from  other people, even ones who have been really important to us in the past, because we want to heal and get better and live more positively, and others do not seek that same path.

Strong emotions sometimes come up in others as we change, because they are used to us being a certain way and to our responding to them a certain way. Try not to let their emotions or yours impact your resolution to make better choices for yourself and to learn to live a healthier life.

Take good care,

Emmie