Some thoughts from earlier meeting on changing what we can and letting go of the rest: I am focusing on what is mine to change today and had to do some looking at the stuff i have tried unsuccessfully to change as well   i have to come here to maintain my acceptance of those things i cannot change but also to get greater perspecctive and to...   take a look at the things i may be able to change(usually limited to my own behavior/attitude or level of unrealistic expectation)   my hubby is a great man whom i admire and luv dearly  he also has a high powered job that is both stressful and incredibly rewarding personally and financially   the goals he has had have affected our family life   there has been a lot of quality time but not that much consistent quantity of time with him and our sons   i have addressed my concerns about this in several ways over the yrs. from unhealthy blame gaming to serious heart to heart non-judgemental talks   usually it results in some temporary change that goes back to the old stuff eventually   and it is a lot like dealing with the A addictions in my family of origin     nothing changes really until the person sees within themselves the need to change   also  it is not 4 me to say whtether someone has an addiction or not   i can only address my concerns about how something affects my life or my children and then let the chips fall   so today i am sad cuz the chips are falling   my teen seems to have a drug problem and of course who do i want to blame?   and i hav at time blamed myself 4 not being firm enuff about family time, consistent family dinners etc.   but i come in here to hear all of your experience stength and hope (E S & H)   andd to get things into perspective...i can only do so much and then a child's relationship with his other parent is really between the two of them   --I have come to see but not exactly cherish that any attempt at control is temporary/illusiional if it doesn't come from the source   also, i know that genetics have a big part in the disease and some parents spend incredible time with their children...    and it still happens or some don't spend time at all and they spawn pillars of society   also, their have been wonderful bonding times between them that i cannot dismiss--beautiful discussions and hugs, etc.   i think my intellect just wants something to blame so i can have illusion of control again--like go after the culprit--fix it somehow   Addiction is unfixable by anyone but HP and i need to turn this over to HP and to trust the bigger picture of the things my son may learn from his choices   the incredible man he is capable of becoming--i htink gurta(spelling??) said something like...    "see a man as he is and that is all he'll ever be, but, see him as who he can become and he will become that"  that is a praphrase anyway of a good thot   i thank you for permission to be sad for a while if i need that cuz it brings me thru the process to the potential joy at other side, since feeling feelings means both the positive and negative ones  or we end up with neither. u guys give me permission to just feel thru what ever needs feeling thru. stuffing it only makes my life unmanagable and i'd probably take it out on an innocent cashier or co-worker or child, etc. if i didn't come here to process things or talk with sponsor or journal them out.  have a blessed day, luv123  or sha-angel   i have a lot more perspective from sharing all this stuff and can take that into today.

Hi luv123,

I think of my husband as yours. He seems so capable and smart. But for the twenty some years that we raised our sons it was always all about his work. Our last son left for college in August. I was always asking for more family time. Please come home, please say no to work, please do something with the boys, etc. I was just adamant about Sunday dinners and no TV time. My husband would eventually buy in to it and think that it was good for the boys. Holidays were another story - trying to have traditions for our own family and not our family of origins. Now that our sons are struggling with adulthood issues my husband seems less than interested and not very supportive. With this disease it seems all about the ego and self.

I do appreciate your insight on trying to blame your son's problems all on the father. I realize that I have a part in this disease too. It is ok to be sad and feel your feelings. This too shall pass.

In support,

Nancy

i think my intellect just wants something to blame so i can have illusion of control again--like go after the culprit--fix it somehow
 

My sentiment's exactly!!!  That is the head on the nail for what I am feeling today.  Thank you so much for your honest post!  Man, this board is FULL of exactly the words I need today...

 

Aron in the Mountains
(Captcodee)