It's the first thing I heard the first night I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon. At the time I didn't have a clue. My focus was all on the alcoholic in my life. The thought of it seemed selfish at the time because I felt it was my responsibily to take care of others, always putting my needs on the back burner. As it turned out taking care of myself first was not only the best thing I could do for myself but also the alcoholic in my life. That acceptance and clarity changed my life.
I would like to ask other members of MIP to give examples of what you have done to take care of yourself first and how it changed your life? Your experience, strength, and hope.
HUGS,
RLC
glad lee said
May 29, 2011
I had an enormous misunderstanding in early recovery about what it meant to take care of myself. Obviously, the real object is to keep the focus on ourselves, to honor ourselves, etc.... but I didn't understand that, I kept getting the suggestion to "take care" of myself and it confused me a great deal. Thats just my experience.
Even before I came through the doors of al-anon, I actually had a lovely habit of taking care of myself. As a stay at home wife/mom, I treated myself to weekly therapeutic massage and bodywork... I shopped 'til I dropped... scheduled an annual trip to the tropics... and during an annual visit to Aspen I began a collection of essential oils - a scent to treat any and every mood as I lounged in my whirlpool tub in the afternoons... or whenever he did what he did, and whenever the world disappointed me, which was often. The disease was progressing day after day, and I just didn't know how to stop riding the carousel... the high-highs kept me on the ride, but the low-lows always circled back around again and my version of self-care wasn't providing any long-term relief.
In fact.... it kept me in deep DENIAL..... I kept putting band-aids on the problem, kept sticking my head in the sand so that I didn't have to FEEL or address what was happening in my family. I just wanted to be happy, so I did these happy things. Instead of doing any REAL WORK to get out of my misery, I kept recycling my experiences.... for years!! I stayed in self-pity for a long, long time as I was taking "care" of myself. And I wondered why God wouldnt help me. I was so angry at God. I was so hopeless.
Once I crawled into the rooms and found a sponsor in al-anon, she explained to me that BEST way I could take care of myself was to "Get with the group... a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind.. you gotta practice something different.... you gotta make at least 3 meetings a week...."
"But I'm an introvert," I would complain. (The poor woman! I was a lil' slow in the beginning... "like a snail," we laugh together now)
Taking care of myself today is meditation twice daily (first things first, God and me.) Asking myself every day, "what step am I on?" doing a daily step 10, and asking God, "how best can I serve Thee?" I need to "get with the group" at least twice a week, phone my sponsor regularly and do service work. I need to exercise 4x/weekly, and I'm happiest when I eat nutritious food, food is my medicine.
Let me add, my life has gotten very busy since my divorce, I usually work over 50 hours a week. My sponsor is very good at noticing when I need to "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!" she likes to say, lol. That means, it's Gladlee Day... no one gets in, I turn off the phone, computer, etc... I make no attempt to meet any expectations of me... a day just for me. On these days, I usually try to get with nature, Higher power always restores me there. Or squeeze in a lavish soak in the tub.
When I can keep that all in balance, life is good. Doesn't always work out, but by now, I know what works and what doesn't. Using the suggested tools of the program, THAT is how I take care of myself today because...... it's working.
Thanks for the topic, RLC!
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 29th of May 2011 06:46:35 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 29th of May 2011 12:35:39 PM
hotrod said
May 29, 2011
Hi MIP
RLC great topic. I do believe that "Taking Care of myself is/ was and INSIDE job. I too was very capable of taking care of my physical wants and put on a great show of pretending to being healthy and happy.
My insides were dying because I was not taking care of my emotional or spiritual needs. I was so busy thinking that if I changed my husband, the world and everyone else then I could be happy and my world would be fine.
Alanon changed all that . It gave me the tools and the COURAGE to go inside and see WHO I was. What I needed emotionally, What I believed and what I wanted. It took the focus off the outside world and asked me to focus on MY INSIDES . With the slogans, the steps a sponsor meetings I finally found myself, my own emotional well being and developed a great capacity for empathy, compassion and understanding while still taking care of my needs first.
I had to let go of:
My unreallistic expectations, my anger, resentments, self pity and fear and pickup constructive tools of living one day at a time, prayer, saying what I mean and not saying it mean, living and letting live A full time job.
Thanks for the topic. I still must take care of myself every day one day at a time
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 29th of May 2011 09:00:50 AM
Crazy Frog said
May 29, 2011
Rlc I started by looking after myself physically because it's the easy one! My physical health was my first priority I started running and eating healthy and stopped drinking ( I drank too much to escape my PBS) but I was still not happy even though I looked great and healthy I went for therapy to try to understand what were my problems. That's when u learned I was co dependent was living with an alcoholic (I had no idea duh) and joined al anon in the fall only then I started seeing changes inside me. I finally had found the source of the issues so working the program finding a sponsor making decisions that are right for me have given me strength and hope. I am in charge of my life now not in charge of everybody else problems. I still run and even my running has changed I am still slow but I enjoy it now by feeling lighter inside and my endurance gas improved due to my increased inner strength. By focusing on my inner needs and letting go of lots of anger resentments learning how to face my fears and reaching to my higher power I feel I am taking care of myself, finally. Thank you for the post rlc Have a great week end
Debilyn said
May 29, 2011
Smoinks RLC.
I was hurting real bad. Then I went outside myself, looked at me as my best friend, and thought,"what does she need?" I got it for her. Have been ever since. For about 15 years or more.
Al Anon made it go further. I protect me, I don't allow anyone to treat me badly without letting them know it was inappropriate
Plus I honestly believe the Bible, study it intensely. I am a Jehovah's Witness and believe me ya gotta make a stand when you are!
Animals are my passion. I don't allow anyone to ruin that for me. I am me and I like the me my HP gave me, though I could do without my darn belly. haha
Good question, I look fw to reading the resposes.
Oh and I don't care if I look crazy, sound crazy if it comes from my heart, I own it and its my choice. I like being a bit eccentric and unique!
hugs hugs!! Debralyn
-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 29th of May 2011 10:25:13 AM
-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 29th of May 2011 10:26:28 AM
I like this post and the responses! Taking care of every one else is what I used to do first and foremost until I forgot who I was and what I wanted for my life. Now I have learned that I like me and I give myself a break and work my program first. I go to meetings and meet with my sponsor and work the steps. I am setting goals for myself and becoming independent. I enjoy my kids immensly, but now realize I need me time too. I realize that I will not put up with abuse of any kind and can and will walk away from it. I have set boundaries and I respect them. I am learning that other people are not my business and that straightening out myself and my life is all I can control and need to spend time dealing with. I have more energy now to put back into me and my kids and I am out smelling the dandelions thanks to letting go of the dramafied people in my life and letting them deal with their messes while I clean up my own! It is a process, but thank God I finally find myself in it fully!
Jerry F said
May 29, 2011
"What do you mean take care of myself first!! Why?!! There's nothing wrong with me...it's all her fault!!" What do they mean "Made a searching and fearless inventory of - ourselves - It's all her fault!!"
Rod the very first thing I had to do for me was to "keep an open mind and I would find help." That was the very first direction and promise made to Jerry F even when he "Didn't know and didn't know that he didn't know" what the problem was. I was clueless in the extreem and I needed to sit quietly and listen and become aware of this thing called Alcoholism and my part in it...past, present and....?
Sitting still and quietly and listening with an open mind and just considering that the people in the rooms knew what it was that I needed to know was taking care of myself. That was my first thing first. "My only problem is me and my only solution is God." I didn't think that up. One of our sisters in recovery gave me that without knowing she was. My open mind made my head nod up and down and now I know how better to take care of myself. You all learned it and knew it and were practicing it while I was trying to find the light switch so I could have some light on the subject.
Taking care of myself first mean keeping in mind that I cannot do this thing called recovery without God, my participation and others whose knees I am allowed to sit at and just listen, listen, listen and then practice, practice, practice.
Great thread. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
pineapple said
May 29, 2011
RLC, like you, I felt selfish at first for wanting to take care of myself before the A in my life. But with the help of alanon and this message board I learned to do just that. It started with small things, If we'd made plans to go shopping or visit a friend and ah was drunk or hungover, I went by myself. Slowly I started to do the things I wanted to do regardless of ah's condition. If he was drunk or passed out at dinnertime, I made myself a meal that I liked, instead of waking him up to a meal he would want. I plan my life for what I want to do. I always consider ah in my plans but if he can't participate for whatever reason, I go ahead on my own. I have to admit that in some ways it is a lonely way to live. But it is definitely better than the alternative of putting my life on hold until ah is ready to be sober enough to share it with me. I am only responsible for myself (and my pets because, hey, they're animals and need someone-me-to take care of them) and I am much better off when I take care of myself first. It took some practice, but i'm getting the hang of it and it's a GOOD thing!
Katy said
May 30, 2011
Dear RLC,
My family of origin gave me some great qualities, I learnt to be thrifty, and greatful, I learnt honesty and respect, those things I hold very dear, I also learnt pride comes before a fall, and I struggled with guilt, there was a very strict code of conduct in our home, and if you didn't follow it you were out, what I didn't know then was, I had the opportunity to change things to change me, and if my family would allow it, it might help them too, I was surrounded by people that didn't know they didn't know, and always the inquisitive one, I wanted to know, I can see that as a mother as a wife, I might feel threatened and feeling I wasn't doing my job when my children or husband need to go and find help and ask other people, outside of the family, I can be frightened that I am failing them, I know because I feel it and have done it, as much as I loved and respected my family my husband my mother my siblings, they could not give me the help I need to get better, on my 50th birthday I was swimming in the lake on a butiful summers day, with one of my friends non alanon, when she asked me, if I was drouning who would I save? I said everyone, she said I wouldn't, I said what? she said no, I would save myself first, and then help the others, jeez talk about wake up call, and that was only last year so I have a long way to go yet, you live in bubble with acholism in your family, it doesn't like it if you want to break out, but unless you do you won't, I think.
Katy
x
Conflicted said
Jun 29, 2018
Okay I'm going to post, because I'm not doing well taking care of myself.
Prior to my AH relapse after almost 20 years of sobriety this time on prescription abuse, I would say I was the one predominantly managing our home, cleaning, home maintenance, bringing my car in for repair, working, laundry, shopping, bills, landscaping, kids, all their care, followed by giving up working because my kids were sick too often with daycare and becoming a stay at home mom.
I've used Alanon to help me not be the crazy, crabby, overreacting mom and wife. I've gotten a lot better with that.
However, during the 3-4 years my husband was abusing prescription meds, unbeknownst to me I was starting on the path of doing less and less, because of my building resentment towards him and his unwillingness to help at all.
During the last year or two of his addiction and the last 4 years since, I've done less and less in relation to our home, etc... Now I handle the day to day things for the kids like meals, and when push comes to shove I shop, pay bills, laundry, etc... But it's getting harder and harder. A part of me wants to have our house in order and another part feels like what's the point. If nobody else cares why should I. However, not having the house in order stops me from socializing, having anyone over including family, as I'm embarrassed.
To some degree this unfairly impacts kids too related to my willingness to have friends over and areas for them to hang out. In general, the house is cluttered, disorganized, etc...
I'll have 2 graduating kids this year...still not motivating me to be on top of things.
I read our books, go to mtgs, have a sponser, listen online to recordings, pray, ... And it's helped me with anger and overreacting, but it isn't helping me with this at all. Nothing has gotten better, if anything it's gotten worse over these 4 years.
My AH is in recovery with mtgs, sponser, etc and so am I. So where do I go from here? I'm tired of this not changing and I feel like I don't know how to make progress on this area of self care. How do you get yourself to make these changes when there's no "UMPH" to get off your butt to do something different? I've prayed, read, talked, ... Still no change!!
Thank you.
a4l said
Jun 29, 2018
This is me off and on in life with recurring depression/anxiety. I've learned in these moments to not think at all and just start doing. Music helps. Waking up an hour or two earlier without thinking about the why nots and hitting the shower also helps. Just breaking out of the old habits really. I know its hard. Good luck! If you can afford home help, I'd do that too. Sometimes maintaining clean is easier than starting from chaos alone. Sending warm thoughts. You can do it.
mamalioness said
Jun 29, 2018
This is an awesome post. When I walked into the 12 step rooms, meetings, sharing on the boards here, I had no clue in the beginning as to what it meant to take care of myself first. But as I acclimated into the program I realize that I cant do anything for anyone else unless I take care of me first. And that meant setting boundaries what I will except and what I will not. Establishing responsibilities , Like what am I really responsible for and what I am not responsible for and standing to it. Learning how to say no was very difficult for me because I was forced as a child to always comply. Now I can say no and not even give an explanation if I do not feel like it. Some relationships I lost because I had a new sense of self and self respect and those relationships, looking back, I see were toxic. I excepted those toxic relationships in the past because I did not think I deserved any better. Now I do
The relationships that are keepers, are better than ever because I am holding up my own in the relationship as an equal, not somebody who is either trying to control or trying to be rescued and taken care of and being needy. Being needy and a control freak was not conducive to the good relationships I had but thank goodness they stuck by me because they saw that I was trying my best to heal
I think the concept of take care of myself first, is just simply meaning keep the focus on me, what I need to do to be the best and healthiest me that I can, and that the only thing I can change or control is me, and the only one who is going to really help me and take care of me is me.
Thank you for this great topic
maria k said
Jul 4, 2018
Conflicted, I can relate to your situation, because I too do the majority of the home-keeping. My AH cuts the grass. All else, including being the primary breadwinner, is on me. I have accepted and made peace with the situation after realizing that keeping my home in order makes ME happy. When I clean the bathrooms I am doing it for me. When I vacuum, dust, mop, weed the flower beds, clean out the attic, experiment with new recipes, decorate, invite company over, etc., I am doing it for me. Focusing on the joy a lovely home gives to me allows me to get beyond the sadness and the resentment that I have to do it all alone.
KT2015 said
Jul 4, 2018
Great topic. A member of my group used to ask me this question every time I was stressed or overwhelmed "What do you need right now and how can you get that for yourself".
It started with basics such as getting a full night's sleep instead of staying up all night worried about my AH. I started going to meetings, going to the gym, eating better.
Then it kept growing. I started to take a break when I was struggling or having a bad day, asking others for help so I didn't feel so overburdened. Clearly evaluating what I truly could take on and what I couldn't. Getting a sponsor and speaking to her.
Then it grew more. I started to have better focus at work and instead of procrastinating and complaining I started to get things done in advance and looked at them as little gifts to myself. I stopped accepting unacceptable behaviour from my AH who often criticized or made fun of me in a negative way. My life got so much better.
I used to look to others to take care of me emotionally and to support me. I've learned that I am my best support system.
Sometimes I get out of sync with taking care of myself but I feel it almost immediately (a feeling that was my former norm). When I catch myself I ask myself that question and start from there.
It's the first thing I heard the first night I walked into the rooms of Al-Anon. At the time I didn't have a clue. My focus was all on the alcoholic in my life. The thought of it seemed selfish at the time because I felt it was my responsibily to take care of others, always putting my needs on the back burner. As it turned out taking care of myself first was not only the best thing I could do for myself but also the alcoholic in my life. That acceptance and clarity changed my life.
I would like to ask other members of MIP to give examples of what you have done to take care of yourself first and how it changed your life? Your experience, strength, and hope.
HUGS,
RLC
I had an enormous misunderstanding in early recovery about what it meant to take care of myself. Obviously, the real object is to keep the focus on ourselves, to honor ourselves, etc.... but I didn't understand that, I kept getting the suggestion to "take care" of myself and it confused me a great deal. Thats just my experience.
Even before I came through the doors of al-anon, I actually had a lovely habit of taking care of myself. As a stay at home wife/mom, I treated myself to weekly therapeutic massage and bodywork... I shopped 'til I dropped... scheduled an annual trip to the tropics... and during an annual visit to Aspen I began a collection of essential oils - a scent to treat any and every mood as I lounged in my whirlpool tub in the afternoons... or whenever he did what he did, and whenever the world disappointed me, which was often. The disease was progressing day after day, and I just didn't know how to stop riding the carousel... the high-highs kept me on the ride, but the low-lows always circled back around again and my version of self-care wasn't providing any long-term relief.
In fact.... it kept me in deep DENIAL..... I kept putting band-aids on the problem, kept sticking my head in the sand so that I didn't have to FEEL or address what was happening in my family. I just wanted to be happy, so I did these happy things. Instead of doing any REAL WORK to get out of my misery, I kept recycling my experiences.... for years!! I stayed in self-pity for a long, long time as I was taking "care" of myself. And I wondered why God wouldnt help me. I was so angry at God. I was so hopeless.
Once I crawled into the rooms and found a sponsor in al-anon, she explained to me that BEST way I could take care of myself was to "Get with the group... a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind.. you gotta practice something different.... you gotta make at least 3 meetings a week...."
"But I'm an introvert," I would complain. (The poor woman! I was a lil' slow in the beginning... "like a snail," we laugh together now)
Taking care of myself today is meditation twice daily (first things first, God and me.) Asking myself every day, "what step am I on?" doing a daily step 10, and asking God, "how best can I serve Thee?" I need to "get with the group" at least twice a week, phone my sponsor regularly and do service work. I need to exercise 4x/weekly, and I'm happiest when I eat nutritious food, food is my medicine.
Let me add, my life has gotten very busy since my divorce, I usually work over 50 hours a week. My sponsor is very good at noticing when I need to "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!" she likes to say, lol. That means, it's Gladlee Day... no one gets in, I turn off the phone, computer, etc... I make no attempt to meet any expectations of me... a day just for me. On these days, I usually try to get with nature, Higher power always restores me there. Or squeeze in a lavish soak in the tub.
When I can keep that all in balance, life is good. Doesn't always work out, but by now, I know what works and what doesn't. Using the suggested tools of the program, THAT is how I take care of myself today because...... it's working.
Thanks for the topic, RLC!
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 29th of May 2011 06:46:35 AM
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 29th of May 2011 12:35:39 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 29th of May 2011 09:00:50 AM
I started by looking after myself physically because it's the easy one!
My physical health was my first priority I started running and eating healthy and stopped drinking ( I drank too much to escape my PBS)
but I was still not happy even though I looked great and healthy
I went for therapy to try to understand what were my problems. That's when u learned I was co dependent was living with an alcoholic (I had no idea duh) and joined al anon in the fall only then I started seeing changes inside me. I finally had found the source of the issues so working the program finding a sponsor making decisions that are right for me have given me strength and hope. I am in charge of my life now not in charge of everybody else problems. I still run and even my running has changed I am still slow but I enjoy it now by feeling lighter inside and my endurance gas improved due to my increased inner strength. By focusing on my inner needs and letting go of lots of anger resentments learning how to face my fears and reaching to my higher power I feel I am taking care of myself, finally.
Thank you for the post rlc
Have a great week end
Smoinks RLC.
I was hurting real bad. Then I went outside myself, looked at me as my best friend, and thought,"what does she need?" I got it for her. Have been ever since. For about 15 years or more.
Al Anon made it go further. I protect me, I don't allow anyone to treat me badly without letting them know it was inappropriate
Plus I honestly believe the Bible, study it intensely. I am a Jehovah's Witness and believe me ya gotta make a stand when you are!
Animals are my passion. I don't allow anyone to ruin that for me. I am me and I like the me my HP gave me, though I could do without my darn belly. haha
Good question, I look fw to reading the resposes.
Oh and I don't care if I look crazy, sound crazy if it comes from my heart, I own it and its my choice. I like being a bit eccentric and unique!
hugs hugs!! Debralyn
-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 29th of May 2011 10:25:13 AM
-- Edited by Debilyn on Sunday 29th of May 2011 10:26:28 AM
"Say what you MEAN, but don't say it mean"
Beautiful Hotrod
"What do you mean take care of myself first!! Why?!! There's nothing wrong with me...it's all her fault!!" What do they mean "Made a searching and fearless inventory of - ourselves - It's all her fault!!"
Rod the very first thing I had to do for me was to "keep an open mind and I would find help." That was the very first direction and promise made to Jerry F even when he "Didn't know and didn't know that he didn't know" what the problem was. I was clueless in the extreem and I needed to sit quietly and listen and become aware of this thing called Alcoholism and my part in it...past, present and....?
Sitting still and quietly and listening with an open mind and just considering that the people in the rooms knew what it was that I needed to know was taking care of myself. That was my first thing first. "My only problem is me and my only solution is God." I didn't think that up. One of our sisters in recovery gave me that without knowing she was. My open mind made my head nod up and down and now I know how better to take care of myself. You all learned it and knew it and were practicing it while I was trying to find the light switch so I could have some light on the subject.
Taking care of myself first mean keeping in mind that I cannot do this thing called recovery without God, my participation and others whose knees I am allowed to sit at and just listen, listen, listen and then practice, practice, practice.
Great thread. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
Dear RLC,
My family of origin gave me some great qualities, I learnt to be thrifty, and greatful, I learnt honesty and respect, those things I hold very dear, I also learnt pride comes before a fall, and I struggled with guilt, there was a very strict code of conduct in our home, and if you didn't follow it you were out, what I didn't know then was, I had the opportunity to change things to change me, and if my family would allow it, it might help them too, I was surrounded by people that didn't know they didn't know, and always the inquisitive one, I wanted to know, I can see that as a mother as a wife, I might feel threatened and feeling I wasn't doing my job when my children or husband need to go and find help and ask other people, outside of the family, I can be frightened that I am failing them, I know because I feel it and have done it, as much as I loved and respected my family my husband my mother my siblings, they could not give me the help I need to get better, on my 50th birthday I was swimming in the lake on a butiful summers day, with one of my friends non alanon, when she asked me, if I was drouning who would I save? I said everyone, she said I wouldn't, I said what? she said no, I would save myself first, and then help the others, jeez talk about wake up call, and that was only last year so I have a long way to go yet, you live in bubble with acholism in your family, it doesn't like it if you want to break out, but unless you do you won't, I think.
Katy
x
The relationships that are keepers, are better than ever because I am holding up my own in the relationship as an equal, not somebody who is either trying to control or trying to be rescued and taken care of and being needy. Being needy and a control freak was not conducive to the good relationships I had but thank goodness they stuck by me because they saw that I was trying my best to heal
I think the concept of take care of myself first, is just simply meaning keep the focus on me, what I need to do to be the best and healthiest me that I can, and that the only thing I can change or control is me, and the only one who is going to really help me and take care of me is me.
Thank you for this great topic
Conflicted, I can relate to your situation, because I too do the majority of the home-keeping. My AH cuts the grass. All else, including being the primary breadwinner, is on me. I have accepted and made peace with the situation after realizing that keeping my home in order makes ME happy. When I clean the bathrooms I am doing it for me. When I vacuum, dust, mop, weed the flower beds, clean out the attic, experiment with new recipes, decorate, invite company over, etc., I am doing it for me. Focusing on the joy a lovely home gives to me allows me to get beyond the sadness and the resentment that I have to do it all alone.
It started with basics such as getting a full night's sleep instead of staying up all night worried about my AH. I started going to meetings, going to the gym, eating better.
Then it kept growing. I started to take a break when I was struggling or having a bad day, asking others for help so I didn't feel so overburdened. Clearly evaluating what I truly could take on and what I couldn't. Getting a sponsor and speaking to her.
Then it grew more. I started to have better focus at work and instead of procrastinating and complaining I started to get things done in advance and looked at them as little gifts to myself. I stopped accepting unacceptable behaviour from my AH who often criticized or made fun of me in a negative way. My life got so much better.
I used to look to others to take care of me emotionally and to support me. I've learned that I am my best support system.
Sometimes I get out of sync with taking care of myself but I feel it almost immediately (a feeling that was my former norm). When I catch myself I ask myself that question and start from there.