As for the alcoholic, I could not separate from him, leave him, or even leave him alone, Wasnt it my right , my duty my obligation to stay by him, direct him, and guide him (otherwise known as trying to control to him?). Certainly "society not only condoned such efforts, I was sure "they " expected them of me. Afterall, a spouse must do everything possible to help the other spouse, mustn't she?
I can recall thinking the more I was able to "protect" the A from the adversities of life, the better he would be able to cope (therefor not drink so much). I was trying to throw a sheild around him and keep the whole world out.I remember thinking if I say such and such, he will think thus, and so, and so then he will drink. This was real uncomfortable for both of us. It was the controlling and unproductive, and I am not sure that it was all too well-intentioned, since my main goal was to keep him from drinking , rather than allow him to work on his problems while I worked on my own.
Still detachment eluded me, It was so hard to let go, so hard to give up old ways, so hard to admit that I didnt know what was best for someone else, The fact that I had tried for years to manage my A's life and had failed miserabley never discouraged me from thinking that this time it would be different ,,,if only I had another crack at it. The word surrender if not alien to me certainly had a negative ring to it.
It never occurred to me that at the time I was completely depriving my A of his dignity, It often said in Alanon that people must be allowed the dignity to fail.I think they must also be given the dignity to succeed. As long as I failed to detach- as long as I was always there trying to pick up the pieces, doing for him what he could do for himself, eliminating anything unpleasant from his path to help him avoid drinking---I stood in the way of his self esteem. I didnt give him the opportunity to do anything he might feel good about, I continued this self-righteous martyr-like fashion, imagining myself quite the hero. My intentions may have been impecible at time, BUT my misplaced sense of responsibility was monumental.
Even now a compulsive need to control is "one" of my most nagging character defects, one that I mention frequently at my meetings because I know that sharing about a defect often releases me from the need to act out.I also recognize that I have come a very long way over the years, thanks to this program called Alanon. It takes a long time to change old habits and replace them with more appropriate behaviour, and for me recognizing my character defects, and I am learning to put progress into perspective, while dealing with this cunning baffling insidious disease called alcoholism.,,,,It works if you work it,,,hope this helps,,,,gardengal
cdb said
Oct 4, 2005
Thank you for this post gg. What a very powerful message of detatchment! I learned here from abbyal about allowing the A dignity to fail or succeed too. It took awhile for me to " get what she meant " but once I did it sure helped me and the A alot. I do this with other people in my life now too such as my spouse. I am not sure when I became such a controlling person thinking I had the power to make everyone okay, but somewhere along the line that became me. I am a much better person now that I have learned these things in alanon and from the wise people here at Miracles In Progress. Freeing ourselves of our shortcomings is so empowering too. We finally find the time to take care of us and to quick wasting our energy on others. That is when serenity and peace came back into my life. I always have believed that knowledge is power. The more we learn in alanon, the more we are able to see our faults and assets and become better people. Thanks again for this post. cdb :)
Sallen said
Oct 4, 2005
Talk about societies expectations...my A is my teenage son and I was always making myself crazy trying to anticipate the next catastrophe, to do damage control and to tell him what he needed to be doing. There is something to this....I am legally responsible for his actions....but it was hard to learn how to detach...not abandon. To allow him to feel the full brunt of the consequences while keeping myself, my family safe and sane. So...I did the things that were right for me, attended meetings, read lots, got involved in community programs addressing adolescent substance abuse issues and loved him. But, and it was/is hard, I allowed him to fail, and stopped taking it personally. I am a good parent that has a young man with a horrible disease. I stopped trying to get him out of his messes, held him accountable for them and asked for help. It is soooo hard to not be stigmatized and minimized by the disease that I can only imagine how little he feels. I love him. But I can't change his mindset, his chemistry...so I work with what I have and have found some serenity and sanity. My craziness only added to the chaos in my home. I will always be there for him but I need to be healthy. I had become obsessive and unfocused. I was about to explode. Now I have become calmer and have a clearer outlook. If I can help him at all, it will be by keeping my own sanity intact...and that of my other children, friends, family, workmates. God! I must have been driving them crazy too. I am so glad to have folks like you to share with and get so much out of all of your posted ESHs. Thanks to each and everyone of you
Sue
garom said
Oct 4, 2005
This post has really struck a chord with me. Thank you, to you GG and those who have responded - it is so difficult , I agree, and you all have given me food for thought. Much gratitude.
garom xx
lin0606 said
Oct 4, 2005
It struck a chord with me, too. I was determined to make mine a happy family, if it killed us all! Sometimes it nearly did, too.
WakingUp said
Oct 5, 2005
This was a good share for me too. I'm finding detachment 'almost' easy as long as there is nothing to detach from. lol Last night the whole family came with me to Al-Anon except the current A in my life. While we were gone, she disappeared for the night. This morning I can feel the anxiety in my stomach. It makes no sense. She has done this (or some version of it) since she was 14. She's going to do it no matter what, so I may as well detach and be happy, right?
I'll keep coming back.
sg said
Oct 5, 2005
GREAT post. Left me w/a lot to think about. I read this last night and have thought about it since then.
If I am honest w/myself, which I am trying to do, I have to admit I have been trying to be controlling. Not so much w/the past drinking, but I fight it w/recovery. Thinking he should be doing more. Working harder. The alcohol is gone, but the "ism" is still there.
Then there are other issues that I am trying to be controlling over. Yesterday's reading in Hope for Today really hit home regarding this topic:
...."I tried to manipulate and control everyone in my life to change the shape of their personalities to suit mine."
"My goal is not to change others to fit me. I aim to change myself to fit my Higher Power's will"
One HUGE issue I am struggling with is the lonliness and lack of intimacy and communication that has been present in our home for many years. Looking back over this past year, I can see where I have tried to change my A's personality to fit mine. I am coming to the conclusion that his personality may not be of the kind to be able to meet my needs. This may be due to the disease, it may be due to just the personality. Either way, the realization of reality is somewhat a sad one. I feel somewhat of a grief washing over me.
As for the alcoholic, I could not separate from him, leave him, or even leave him alone, Wasnt it my right , my duty my obligation to stay by him, direct him, and guide him (otherwise known as trying to control to him?). Certainly "society not only condoned such efforts, I was sure "they " expected them of me. Afterall, a spouse must do everything possible to help the other spouse, mustn't she?
I can recall thinking the more I was able to "protect" the A from the adversities of life, the better he would be able to cope (therefor not drink so much). I was trying to throw a sheild around him and keep the whole world out.I remember thinking if I say such and such, he will think thus, and so, and so then he will drink. This was real uncomfortable for both of us. It was the controlling and unproductive, and I am not sure that it was all too well-intentioned, since my main goal was to keep him from drinking , rather than allow him to work on his problems while I worked on my own.
Still detachment eluded me, It was so hard to let go, so hard to give up old ways, so hard to admit that I didnt know what was best for someone else, The fact that I had tried for years to manage my A's life and had failed miserabley never discouraged me from thinking that this time it would be different ,,,if only I had another crack at it. The word surrender if not alien to me certainly had a negative ring to it.
It never occurred to me that at the time I was completely depriving my A of his dignity, It often said in Alanon that people must be allowed the dignity to fail.I think they must also be given the dignity to succeed. As long as I failed to detach- as long as I was always there trying to pick up the pieces, doing for him what he could do for himself, eliminating anything unpleasant from his path to help him avoid drinking---I stood in the way of his self esteem. I didnt give him the opportunity to do anything he might feel good about, I continued this self-righteous martyr-like fashion, imagining myself quite the hero. My intentions may have been impecible at time, BUT my misplaced sense of responsibility was monumental.
Even now a compulsive need to control is "one" of my most nagging character defects, one that I mention frequently at my meetings because I know that sharing about a defect often releases me from the need to act out.I also recognize that I have come a very long way over the years, thanks to this program called Alanon. It takes a long time to change old habits and replace them with more appropriate behaviour, and for me recognizing my character defects, and I am learning to put progress into perspective, while dealing with this cunning baffling insidious disease called alcoholism.,,,,It works if you work it,,,hope this helps,,,,gardengal
Thank you for this post gg. What a very powerful message of detatchment! I learned here from abbyal about allowing the A dignity to fail or succeed too. It took awhile for me to " get what she meant " but once I did it sure helped me and the A alot. I do this with other people in my life now too such as my spouse. I am not sure when I became such a controlling person thinking I had the power to make everyone okay, but somewhere along the line that became me. I am a much better person now that I have learned these things in alanon and from the wise people here at Miracles In Progress. Freeing ourselves of our shortcomings is so empowering too. We finally find the time to take care of us and to quick wasting our energy on others. That is when serenity and peace came back into my life. I always have believed that knowledge is power. The more we learn in alanon, the more we are able to see our faults and assets and become better people. Thanks again for this post. cdb :)
Talk about societies expectations...my A is my teenage son and I was always making myself crazy trying to anticipate the next catastrophe, to do damage control and to tell him what he needed to be doing. There is something to this....I am legally responsible for his actions....but it was hard to learn how to detach...not abandon. To allow him to feel the full brunt of the consequences while keeping myself, my family safe and sane. So...I did the things that were right for me, attended meetings, read lots, got involved in community programs addressing adolescent substance abuse issues and loved him. But, and it was/is hard, I allowed him to fail, and stopped taking it personally. I am a good parent that has a young man with a horrible disease. I stopped trying to get him out of his messes, held him accountable for them and asked for help. It is soooo hard to not be stigmatized and minimized by the disease that I can only imagine how little he feels. I love him. But I can't change his mindset, his chemistry...so I work with what I have and have found some serenity and sanity. My craziness only added to the chaos in my home. I will always be there for him but I need to be healthy. I had become obsessive and unfocused. I was about to explode. Now I have become calmer and have a clearer outlook. If I can help him at all, it will be by keeping my own sanity intact...and that of my other children, friends, family, workmates. God! I must have been driving them crazy too. I am so glad to have folks like you to share with and get so much out of all of your posted ESHs. Thanks to each and everyone of you
Sue
This post has really struck a chord with me. Thank you, to you GG and those who have responded - it is so difficult , I agree, and you all have given me food for thought. Much gratitude.
garom xx
This was a good share for me too. I'm finding detachment 'almost' easy as long as there is nothing to detach from. lol Last night the whole family came with me to Al-Anon except the current A in my life. While we were gone, she disappeared for the night. This morning I can feel the anxiety in my stomach. It makes no sense. She has done this (or some version of it) since she was 14. She's going to do it no matter what, so I may as well detach and be happy, right?
I'll keep coming back.